Sunday, December 14, 2008

Gabby's broken heart

There is nothing worse than seeing your child legitimately heartbroken. My MIL gave us an ornament that said Merry Christmas from heaven. Gabby knows what it said and has been either picking up on our heightened sadness or is sad also. I am not sure she always seems to know when I am missing her. So she asked us if Santa delivered presents to Heaven. She was so concerned that Addilynn would not get any presents. It just breaks my heart when she misses her. I know that we miss her and really I have come to realize that my heart will always be a little bit busted. But she is my baby and I wish I could protect her from this heartache. She then proceeded to sing a song about her and saying how she misses her and she was her only sister and now she is alone. :( She then went on to sing how she will miss Christmas and the presents and that again she misses her and that she is in Heaven. I also know tonight that as I left the house and let my tears flow. I don't like to cry in front of her all the time I want her to be happy. I know you sent me signs saying you still were here. I don't know how I could ignore them. The most obvious was when I went to go get into the car and where I didn't see it before was the green pacifier that we used with you just sitting there. I sometimes feels as if you are always around and you know we need that extra hug and you let us know. I know we are all sad without you this Holiday. I can't help but think what should have been. I love you Baby Girl!

Friday, November 28, 2008


I feel so sad today I found out was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in a few hours. We weren't even trying and we didn't even know we were pregnant. We weren't planning on having anymore babies. But if I only new I would of took my medicine I need to take when we are trying. I know we would would of been happy and surprised if it went good. I just don't understand why this is happening to our family one bad thing after another. Is this suppose to make us stronger well it's not. I feel more depressed and at such a loss. God please we can't take any more. I just sit here and cry. no more! I'm empty inside......

Thursday, November 27, 2008


I am truely blessed! I have the best family and friends. I have a beautiful little girl. A nice house and things. I have a lot to be thankful but in my heart I feel a little bitter that your not here. I miss you so much today. although I am blessed and thankful I will always be missing that one peice that makes everything complete. That one peice that fills my heart with so much happiness I feel like it could burst at any moment. I realize I will always think of you and miss you and always be a little less complete.

Happy Thanksgiving baby girl. We all love you and miss you very much. As I promised you the last time I held you I will always carry you will me in my heart.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


Heather I was feeling the same way sad because when we were both pregnant we all talked about Christmas time. And how many kids this year to buy for and opening gifts around the tree. It is so hard because in the back of my mind I want so much to buy for Addilynn. I know this year has been the hardest on me I noticed I have become more protective of both Benjamin and Claire. I still can't sleep at night and I'm always checking on her to make sure she is still breathing. I don't like that fear it could happen and it did happen to us so close to us. I am always asking why God did this happen? It effected all of us. I want so much for Claire to be 1years old then maybe it wouldn't be me living in fear every night. I know we wanted Claire and Addilynn to be best buddies. In my mind I think about how it could of been and it will never be. I miss you Addilynn.

Friday, November 21, 2008

The holidays

Even though we are just beginning the season I am feeling very down about it. I hear the Christmas songs and they make me sad. This should be your first Christmas. I should be buying presents for two kids not just one. I should be buying you a holiday dress. Last year it was almost time for you to be born and I was looking forward to your arrival. We all talked about how many kids there would be by next Christmas. Everyone kept saying that in both families. Now we are celebrating Christmas with one less. Then I am reminded of your birthday and I am not sure how I will make it through the day I should have been celebrating your very first birthday. I wanted all of this so much and this time of year is just reminding me of how much I am missing. I miss you everyday regardless of the holidays but this just seems to magnify that. I think one of the hardest things about this is that I don't know how to respond to people. What do I say when they say how many children do you have? I don't want to make an awkward situation. I am still very blessed and am never ungrateful just sad. I want so badly to hold you some days it just rips my heart open.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Blah blah

Sometimes I don't write often because I feel it is the same thing over and over. Blah blah I miss you. Of course I miss you and that will never change. I am still thinking of what I would be doing if you were here. I am still missing you everyday. I still wish things weren't as they are. But all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. I still think of the night you left us over and over. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to change the outcome of that morning. It is still hard to beleive that hours before your death you were smiling and cooing. It is hard to beleive that was the last time i would ever hold you again. I search for signs from you. I don't know how to feel half the time but I can say the pain of your death is not at the forfront anymore. I can't say it hurts less but its not my focus. It will always hurt and I will always miss you. Not much has really changed except I guess accepted it because I have to. Miss you and love you always baby girl...

ps. God please give Addilynn a kiss and a hug for me

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Death is the most concrete word there is. You are either dead or alive. However, it can sometimes be the most difficult to accept and understand. So hard to understand when someone dies suddenly. The question of why just circles your mind. When someone who was healthy gets a fatal diagnosis. When there is an accident and most of all when someone just dies. I don't really understand why babies of all people just all of a sudden die. There has to be a reason. Why does this happen? What can we do to stop it? Almost every other kind of death there is a way to prevent it. Of course there are still freak accidents. Is SIDS just some sort of freak accident? So many people assume that the baby was sick in some way. When I say it was SIDS they just say how sorry they are. Then I don't know how to respond. SIDS is something no one really knows that much about yet nothing can be done to find out. There are so many theories as to why it might happen in babies. Some people even say that their are possible neurological problems which I don't believe. I think that is just a theory. How can you have neurological problems but not a single symptom except you up and die. What if it is sleep apnea? I think that maybe they should do sleep studies on babies. It painless and harmless to the baby itself and the end result of course is not death. They could see if that is a possible connection. I just don't understand I guess why there is no information on this type of death except sorry your baby was healthy but she just stopped breathing. Why can't they do more? Why are they coming up empty. if death is so concrete then why can't there be a concrete reason?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Today was yucky!

I was kinda blindsided. I got a memo the other day saying we were going to give the one preggo girl in my building a book for the baby. Well I forgot and today I went to work and had a spare brand new one in my class that was Gabby's. It wasn't anything special really. No thought involved. It turned out to be like a mini baby shower for this lady which was ok but I really didn't want to be there. I didn't have much of a choice it was at lunch time and not everyone there knows my business. To top it off the special teacher had her baby there at lunch. her almost 8 month old baby. I nearly crawled out of my skin. I realize I can't avoid babies of course and there are few I can tolerate. Well only one I know of...he just melts my heart. What can I say he wore me down..LOL! but anyway most babies especially girls get to me. It is just horrible when they are there for extended periods of time. I don't want to miss out on seeing my niece I love her and she is family. So I am basically watching this baby shower and sitting next to this baby. I didn't choose to sit next to the baby the person next to me wanted to hold her. Then they start doing so big with her. I started getting misty eyed because the last time I saw addie I was doing that with her. I feel like I can't just get up and leave cause the entire faculty is sitting there watching her. Plus I felt weird with the people who knew sitting there. So I just sat there trying my hardest not to burst into tears. It was the worst situation I could ever think of except being on nursery duty or something. I know where I will be uncomfortable and I don't put myself in those types of situations. Really I should be able to have lunch at work without babies or baby showers. It was just awful and I never wanted to sprint out of a place more. I hope it gets better.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I had my first dream of you. I held you and all was well. In my dream I woke up and you were next to me in your basinette alive and well. The only down side was it wasn't true and I woke up terribly sad and missing you more. I had wished for that dream for so long and then when it came it was horrible. It threw my whole day off. I wish everyday you will send me a sign or something that you hear me or see me. I find your socks everywhere for some reason lately. They just keep popping up. I think that is you saying hello mom. Your garden still blooms and blooms even now in late october. There are still butterflies coming to the bushes. for some reason lately I can't stop thinking about that last time I held you both alive and not. I remember that night as I held you and you looked into my eyes and I looked into yours. Were you saying goodbye mommy? Then I focus on the last time I held you and wised I would have taken off that wierd knit hat they put on you and felt your hair for the last time. I suppose it doesn't matter much but I wish I would have. I wish everything could hold your sweet smell forever but I know it won't. I just wish somehow besides in my heart I could have something closer to you. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just know that everyday my heart and arms ache for you. I don't think there will ever be a day when this doesn't happen.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Our Little Flower Girl...

What an experience this has been!! Sara has been a flower girl twice, but never with so much "to do"... in the end, all worked out, and we had lots of fun... and got some GREAT pictures!!!

Scott even bought a new suit...

We rehearsed...

And Erin got the "princess treatment"!

Erin patiently waited while the bridal party got ready....

Finally, we got things underway!

The ceremony was beautiful - Erin and her cousin, Evan, did excellent!!
(and while Erin wasn't thrilled with having to hold hands or walk arm in arm with Evan, they made it down the isle without incident!)

After all was said and done, Erin got to take a break and I took some "relaxing" pictures too!!

Finally.... after all this time, telling Erin to "BE CAREFUL" around her pretty dress, so as not to get a spot on it, this past weekend, Erin cut loose with the help of our friend photographer, Nancy Petrizzo... and we "trashed the dress" :)

And of course, Erin couldn't resist performing her patented flip!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

"If Roses Grow In Heaven"

If roses grow in heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my daughter's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy.
I do it everyday,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

5 months

It's been five months my precious baby since I last held you, touched you, and kissed you. Five months since I last heard you cry. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was feeling sick and I heard Daddy comforting you as you cried. I wish I had gotten up to comfort you myself. I wish I would have held you that last time. Maybe some how it would have changed the course of events. I know in the back of my mind there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but I just wish I could have. I still go over the events thinking about how they could have been different or how they could have changed. I think of the week before. I think of how I was preparing the garden in front of the house while you sat in the swing as happy as can be and kicked away. I think of the warm weather we had and how cute you looked in that little bunny jumper. I think of how that afternoon when you were playing in your gym and kicking away and smiling. If I only knew it was the last time you would. If I only knew I would have held you all day and begged God not to take you. I would have asked for more time. I wouldn't have done anything else but spend time with you. I would have made sure you knew I loved you so much. I have to believe that you know. I have to believe that for some reason this happened. I love you forever and always...till we meet again.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I still think of the events of that night. I think about why everything happened just so. I think of what Jack yelled to me as he ran you up to me. I think of what happened after. It all seems so surreal like it is some horrible nightmare. It still is a nightmare. It sometimes seems like it just couldn't have happened and I push it out of my mind. Then I remember how I used to hold you and you would look right into my face and talk to me. I wonder if every time I fed you, you held our hands because you knew that would have to be enough to last a lifetime. I cherish those times when I held you well after you had fallen a sleep. Is it enough to last me forever? Not a chance. I feel so robbed,

high school musical debut!

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Monday, September 15, 2008

I Need a Drink

Today I woke up to Patrick having a fever. So I had to keep him home from school. I have to drag him with me to take Brianna to school. I had to go to the pet store to put money on Patrick's Tarantula (yup he wanted one too so now we have two), then I had to grocery shop. I had put it off too much this weekend. We get home and one of my cats is up a tree. Yup way up there. I called the SPCA and they won't come out until the cat is up there for 24 hours.

Now Simba apparently is a LOUD cat. People could hear him from houses away. We tried for a long time to get my scared loud cat down from the tree and then all of a sudden I had to pick Brianna up from school. SO back in the car we go. Patrick is in tears because his cat is up the tree and we can't get him down. (this would have been a much better day if he had gone to school)

When we got home I saw that the fireman who lives across the street from me was home. So of course I think he can get the cat down. Firemen always get cats down don't they? So I ask him and he comes over and he comes up with the bright idea to squirt the cat with a hose because cats hate water and since he was on a lower branch he would jump down given a reason too.

Cats do hate water but apparently they go up rather than down when squirted with a hose. Now Simba is halfway up the tree and wet. If you thought he was loud before he is now. People from the next block over and trying to get him down from the yard behind ours. It has become a neighborhood event.

So I notice it is 3:15 and we have a 3:30 Dr. appointment for Patrick's yearly physical. Huge coincidence it was the same day he was home sick from school. Cat is up the tree, the fireman who I find out is VERY allergic to cats has to go to work and Dennis isn't home from work yet.

Yikes in all the excitement I still haven't unloaded the groceries from the car. Ooops there are cold things in those bags. As I am unloading the bags and putting the cold and frozen items away when daddy comes home. Both kids start talking to him at once. The cat is meowing and Dennis has no idea what is going on.

Now it is 3:20 and we have to leave to get to the appointment on time. I tell Dennis we can call the fire department when we get home (more tears from Patrick he wants his cat back). Dennis says "I can get the cat down." and starts to climb the tree.

Simba is happy to see Dennis but won't let Dennis pick him up. When Dennis picks up Simba at last he realizes the Oops in his plan. When you have a cat in your hands it is very hard to climb down a tree. Dennis manages to get close to the ground and drops the cat, Simba is of running but he is out of the tree.

I manage to get Simba into the house and notice it is now 3:25 and we have to go. Wow that only took 5 minutes it felt like forever. We manage to catch every green light on the way to the Drs. office. Pull into the parking lot and the inner entrance is all torn up and we have to drive all the way around the building to park. Patrick and I walk to the door while Daddy and Brianna pull the car around. Daddy drove, Brianna was in the back-seat.

The appointment went well and the doctor agreed with me. Sick from school = no outdoor activities like soccer. Daddy doesn't agree and let Patrick play at a friends house. I had to get him and explain again if you stay home from school you stay inside all day. Daddy then let Patrick play outside while I ran to the store. So again I have to be the bad guy. I am going to have to watch that Daddy.

Oh when we get home fro the doctors Time Warner is here. Ooops I forgot I scheduled an appointment because the cable was acting Wonky on Friday. The house is a mess, there are still groceries all over that I haven't put away (all boxes and canned goods) and Dennis has sent Patrick to that friends house.

I had to switch a lock in the basement to keep the kids from opening a door to our storage room. With the door open the cats can get outside through a broken window. Upstairs is supposed to fix it. So I manage to switch the lock and the key won't come out because the hole in the frame isn't long enough for the dead-bolt to go all the way into it. Now I have to figure out how to fix that. So the kids can still open that door. They know they aren't supposed to but that apparently doesn't matter.

Dennis announces he is going out at 8 p.m., coincidentally the kids bedtime and now I flip out. After this day I am not doing bedtime alone!!!! I won, he stayed until 8:30. The kids are in bed and I need a drink. Did I buy any while grocery shopping? Of course not!!!! What was I thinking!!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Busy week but I haven't forgotton you

There are many times when I want to mention you. I have no new stories to tell. I can't tell anyone how much you grew and for all they know I don't have a baby. They don't know that just 8 months ago I gave birth to you and now your gone. You have gone to be with jesus and that's where you live now. They don't know that we still cry for you and miss you. I wonder sometimes can they see the sadness in my eyes? There are so many days when I wish I could just smell you. I pass by the infant section in target and I think of turning down the diaper isle just so I can smell the pampers. instead I walk by. I look at the clothes for fall and think oh that would have looked cute on you. I wish someone was asking me oh hows the baby? got any new pictures? Then my face would light up as I told a funny story or your latest milestone. and then they would say aww how sweet. That doesn't happen and will never happen. I miss you baby girl.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

How it should have been?

The days go by and I get further from the last time I held you. I still think of how it should have been or how it would have been. I think of how I would be dropping you off at daycare and then taking Gabby with me. I think of how I would want to rush home to pick you up. I am still angry that for some reason none of this was in the plan. Some times it feels like it never happened. Like you were never here although my heart tells me differently as a part of it is filled with you. I am starting a new job which is a good distraction but I think what would they all think if they knew how broken I really am on the inside. I think how would they react if they knew. I think of how I should be showing you off instead I am missing you and trying not to blurt it out. I smile and wonder if anyone sees just how broken I am on the inside. I wonder if they see the inner sadness that is still there looming over my day. although everyday I get farther away from the day I last held you and kissed you I get closer to healing. Even though I move on with my days there is not a day that passes or more likely an hour that I don't think of you . I think of you and love you and miss you always.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

same ol same ol

I don't know where I am anymore. I feel like I should be further in the grief process or like I shouldn't miss you so much now. I feel like its been four long long months and I shouldn't think about you every second still. There are times when I am happy and excited about things but in the background I still feel sad. I still ache for you. I wish you were here more than anything almost everyday. I wish somehow I could go back in time and prevent it. I know they say when its your time its your time but still I wish I could. There are still days where I cry and cry. I just miss you and sometimes I think what else is there to say. I try to reason as to why it was your time. I try to understand and forgive. Even though I know there is no answer that I will know in my lifetime. I wonder if there is something I missed or some peice of information I didn't think of. Yet I know thier will be no answer that I find I still search. Then I search for peices of you left behind. I smell your clothes even though the smell has begun to fade. I look at your sweet face in pictures even though there will be no more pictures of you. I hold your blanket in my arms and put it up to my face and then to my heart. I search for signs...I search for you...I miss you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The things that are still difficult....(the 25th)

It has been four months since I have seen you and held you in my arms. Four months since I kissed you goodnight. Someday it will be four heartbreaking years. There are still many things that are difficult. I still have a hard time turning out the kitchen light because I used to leave it on to make you a bottle in the night. I can not sleep in the dark because I am afraid something will happen and I won't see it. I can not sleep with out you next to me. The sight of the television shows that were on that night as I heard you cry for the last time makes me sick. I can not be in a room with another baby for a long time because the ache for you becomes stronger. I can't look at another baby without comparing them to you. When I walk upstairs I see your crib which I can not bring myself to take down. I can still see you there talking to your mobile and crying when it turns off. I can't drive in the direction of your grave without stopping in to say hi. I can not take your sticker off the back of the car because you are still a part of our family. I can not yet look at your face on a daily basis. The heartache would be too great and my arms would feel how empty they are. I can not erase your pictures off the camera because then I would feel like you were never really here. I can't go to the same doctor you went too because I used to take you there. I remember all the memories of you but wish there were more. I savored the times you feel a sleep on me after I fed you. I would hold you a little longer and kiss your head. It may have been 3 am but I knew these times would not last forever. I remember your first shots how you cried but the second I scooped you up you stopped. I have to believe that it was because I was picking you up and you knew me as mommy. I remember your sweet gummy smile. I remember after you were born and how I had you all to myself and I would sing to you the same song I sang to Gabby. I will forever ache for you and hold you in my heart.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Family

As a single mom of two, there's one thing that would make me completely content with life at this point. I want the night to come that I tuck in my girls, and they're both able to say "Goodnight Mom and Dad". The day to come when they say to their friends "oh yeah, my parents will be there". I want so bad for them to have a Dad. For us to have a family. It has nothing to do with marraige, love, or money. I know love between a man and woman is the biggest thing, but if my girls could call someone Dad, and that man could smile at the word, that would mean more than love to me. Maybe I watch too many "chick flicks" or listen to too much country music. I always thought it was so simple and logical...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Missing you

I am just missing you today...I can't stop the tears from coming some days. I go to visit my mom in the same hospital we went with you for the last time. I think I wonder if they know about you when I look around to the staff. I don't think it's that often that they have that happen. I wonder if I mention it they will know. I see the balloons and flowers leaving with the new dads that say it's a girl and I remember when you were born. I miss you and still can't believe at times that this is what has happened. The question of why never leaves my mind. Some days the tears just roll down my face in an endless stream and onto my heart where you are. I hope you only feel the love I have for you and not the sadness that I feel when I ache for you. I hope you can feel how much we love you and I hope you felt that while we held you in our arms. I hope you knew how much we wanted you. I wish you were here.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Birth Certificate

We got the birth certificate for Addilynn today. My husband needed it for some insurance stuff so he called yesterday and explained we never got it. She said you must have and what not..anyway he ends up saying well we never got and she died. So she finally says I will send that right out to you. So it comes today and on it, it says certificate of live birth, DECEASED!!! I called and said is it supposed to say that cause she didn't die at birth. She said yes the state requires that we stamp it deceased. I was so upset..I will never have a regular one just one stamped with DECEASED...if they would have sent it out when they were supposed too, then we would have a normal one. I want a normal one that I can keep not one that said she died. I think I am well aware of that. There has got to be someone else I can talk to or ask about it. It seems to be the same lady who answers the phone. I just want a normal one...

Monday, August 18, 2008

The results are in...

The results are in and I don't feel any better...It's the answer I didn't want. They are calling it Sudden Infant Unexplained Death...The only reason it isn't being called SIDS is because she was in Jack's lap when she died. Everything she found was consistent with SIDS..I don't feel better because that is not a reason. There is no one to be angry with. Our baby was perfect except she died. How unfair is that? All this time, all this waiting and nothing. There is no reason. No abnormalities, no defects, no virus, no disease...just perfect. So there is nothing no one could have done to prevent it. Does that make me feel better...not really. I am angry there is no real answer. I did everything right and still my baby died. I tried to be the best mommy and it didn't matter. I feel like there are a lot of people out there that do horrible things to their babies. Like somehow their infant ingested cocaine...what the heck? That woman gets to keep her child..How is that fair? Some people have babies that aren't wanted and they live. Why can't I have mine? Why wasn't I allowed to have her? I guess that night it was her time..The angel came and took her hand. She didn't suffer and there was nothing we could do to keep her here. She went to a place without pain, or sadness. Can I blame her, of course not. I just wish she had more time here on earth. More time so I could see her roll over, sit up, go to school and everything else that we hold precious with our children. I never thought it would happen to me. I knew about SIDS and I took the precautions they suggested but she still died. I just am not sure yet how I feel about this. I think it has to take time to sink in. I have so many emotions. I feel angry and sad. I always knew SIDS was a possibility of the "reason" why but I was hoping they would say something else. I don't even know if that would have helped because then I would have blamed the doctors or myself for not recognizing it. Maybe this is the best answer but it is an answer I don't understand. No one can say for sure what causes SIDS, it just happens. One second you are enjoying your baby and the next they are gone. It's every one's worst nightmare. It leaves you wondering why my baby? I don't know why and I will spend the rest of my days here trying to rationalize why. I spend everyday loving the child I will never hold again and missing her. I spend my days wishing this isn't happening. I spend my days trying to figure out who I am without her. I spend my days without you...sad and brokenhearted.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Addilynn Rose

In Memory Of Addilynn Rose

By Aunt Holly
Addilynn Rose
Addilynn your like a Rose in the Spring
God planted a seedling
Smelling oh so sweet
Each petal made unique
Your like a flower in the wind
A treasure indeed, this flower, the rose
With beauty abounding, as everyone knows
So, I'll possess it and press it as the moment itself,
Keeping it forever present,
Retaining all that was felt.
And although it lies in repose, I'll always remember
This flower, the Rose.

Friday, August 15, 2008

my heart is broken again!

The video of Addilynn is gone. It's all I had. It has her growth and memories on it. It had the day she was born and four days before she passed away. It was the single most precious thing I had left of her. I looked forward to the day I could bring myself to watch it again. Now I cry like I did the day she left us. It is almost as if she is leaving me again. I am angry with God. I feel like he is taking everything I have. Why is he allowing this to happen? How could he let this happen? Why can't I at least have that? It's not fair. I feel like I have seen it ten times in the last month not knowing that it was that tape. What if I threw it out by accident. I told gabby to never ever touch this tape and I put it up high. The only way she could get to it is if she stood on the table. I found the case with a bead and a yellow jewel in it so I know it was her. My heart breaks because now I can't even see her alive. I will never see that again. I will never see her smile at me. I will never see her cry or hear her cry again. I don't get to hear her voice ever again...can I live without that? my heart breaks again for the second time.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My snuggler

Today I am in a sad mood and I can't seem to get out of it. I guess it's to be expected but doesn't mean I have to like it. I am just missing her. I am missing her cry. We were in the store today and there was a newborn baby crying and Gabby said, "doesn't that sound like Addilynn?" I said, "yes it does". It made me miss her more. I felt like running to that woman and telling her how lucky she was and making sure she knew it or telling her my baby died. Of course that would make me just seem nuts. Some days there is nothing I can do to stuff my sadness away. I try but it sneaks up on me. I am missing her tiny hand holding my hand. Every single time I fed her she would hold my hand. Her tiny warm hand would wrap around my fingers and it would just fill my heart. When I held her after her bottle she would rub her face on my shirt and I would rub her head on my cheek. I miss that so much. Some days its so sad and unbearable and I want to cry every five seconds. Sometimes I am afraid that I will forget her. I remember holding her that last time. I remember the tear drops rolling down my cheek onto the blanket they wrapped her in. Even though it was a stupid thought I hoped that somehow my tear of sadness and love would fix her. It didn't and more tears rolled onto her blanket and were soaked up. I whispered in her ear mommy will always love you and I will always keep you in my heart. I rubbed her face for the last time.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The dresser drawer

There it sits the drawer that is never opened. It has the only items left of Addilynn. Those are the most special things. The things that smell like her. Her bedsheets, clothes, spit rags...and hat. They all lay there in bags. All I have left are Ziploc bags of clothes. I no longer have my sweet baby to kiss and hold. I can't rub my face against her fuzzy head like I used too. I miss that everyday. I can't sniff her up after her bath because she smells so fresh and baby like. The only thing I can so is hold her clothes to my chest and pretend I am holding her. Then I smell them and remember her and wish she were here all the more. It doesn't help to have these things but it helps to have a piece of her. I have some of her hair but I have not been able to look at it. They also made us a foot print which I haven't seen since that day either. All of her baby things besides those I specifically requested are not here. I can't see them. right now my baby should be swinging in her swing or sleeping in her crib. Instead her sheets have been taken away and crib remains empty like the hole she has left behind. I walk upstairs and I still can picture her there. I can hear her tiny cry wanting a bottle or attention. I walk past the drawer and it remains closed. I walk past the rocking chair and it is vacant. I get into bed and look to where her bassinet was and say goodnight to her. Then my only prayer is that I will dream about her. That maybe in my dream I can hold her, smell her, hug her, and kiss her. Goodnight sweet baby girl, my perfect rose.

Should we try for another?

I wanted badly for Gabby to have a sibling. I have several and couldn't imagine life without them. I just want to make sure she has someone close besides me and jack to count on. I don't know if I can go through it all again. I am not a happy pregnant person. I am afraid of labor. I didn't have a good experience at all with Addilynn. I know it will all be worth it again. I want to have that joy again that a new baby brings. I wanted Addilynn so much. All my plans along with my heart were just shattered. I feel like my heart is like a glass window pain and it was smashed with a mallot. At that moment you could see my heart shatter and fall to the ground in tiny peices that even if put back together it will never be the same. As everyday goes by I try to pick the peices up but I can't find every last shard. It will never be whole again. I loved her so much and of course I still do. I don't know if I have another one how that will feel when I see that face that looks like hers. Gabby and Addilynn looked so much a like that sometimes looking at baby pictures of Gabby is hard. Will I be able to get close to the baby? I don't know how I will ever sleep with the a new baby in the house. How do I not worry that the same thing will happen again? How do I not feel like the second I close my eyes will be the last time I see my baby? How do I not fear it? No one ever thinks it will actually happen to them....but it did happen to me. My worst fear came true. I held my limp baby in my arms and couldn't even grasp what was actually happening but I knew she was gone. I tried to save her but it had no effect. How do I not see that scene in my head every night when I put my new baby to bed or in for a nap? Then the other question is,what if we don't have another, will I be happy only having one?

In a bad mood today

I know my problems are minor (Heather, you're a tough act to follow)... but I'm just crabby today and thought I'd vent it out anyway.

I guess today I am frustrated because I have come to the realization that I've raised my kids to expect far too much. Thinking I am doing the right thing for them, I made sure that (at least Sara) was in some sort of structured social type thing since she was very young (never all at once, of course but...) - gymnastics, Girl Scouts, Swim Classes, Cheerleading and various things here and there... Now, when I want to try and do the same for Erin (like put her in gymnastics), Sara conveniently has forgotten about the 3 years she spent in gymnastics herself, the time I spend with her and her Brownie troop, not to mention the commitment we've made to cheerleading.

Every morning, they wake up asking "where are we going today".... it's expected, and when we do go someplace, they're complaining and asking about the next day. So frustrating.

So what do I do? Stop? Punish them by not letting them participate in sports or group activities? Take away all of their worldly goods and let them see what it's really like to 'want'? Remove myself from their organizations? Sometimes I wonder.

Today I feel like they are thankless brats, and I know it's horrible to say - I know they are good kids, but when they want more more more, it hurts my feelings, and just makes me feel like I can't do anything right.


Thanks for reading.

Monday, August 11, 2008

No results again!

It's another Monday and I call again. I ask if there are any results and when will they be sent out. Again they have no answers and I have no answers. The sad part is it's the only time I get to refer to her. I get to say her beautiful name but not to her. It's the name I never get to call out and she will answer. It's the name I loved from first sight but now I can barely speak it. I wanted to tell everyone what her name was and show her off. I didn't want to tell the medical examiner over and over. I didn't want to spell it for her grave stone. I thought she was so smart and adorable. Probably as every mother does. I knew what I had from the day she was born. I knew I was so blessed and for almost 4 months I lived in a world of bliss. Now I live in a state of limbo wondering what happened. How could she be cooing and smiling and then dead? How could she leave us without a goodbye or warning? I don't think she would have chosen it but I am sure the angel took her hand and she walked away with him. I remember so vividly how she was sitting in my lap that night in her little got milk Jammies and she was facing outward. I was thinking how big she had gotten and I was putting her arms up and saying so big. I just want to know why and sometimes I don't think I will ever get an answer. I wonder if my instincts were right...was something wrong? That whole week before I said to everyone I don't know what's wrong with her but something is off. I took her to the doctor and nothing stood out. There was nothing that whole week that screamed take me to the hospital. When will I know? Will it help? Will I feel resolution? will it make it worse, if that's possible? I have no choice but to sit and wait and whisper her name in hopes that she hears me. I whisper I love you, Addilynn Rose. I whisper I miss you.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

What should have been

It's been a very long hard road and still I see a long road ahead before my broken heart begins to mend. I still feel very broken and lost. I am not sure of who I am now. I am not the same nor will I ever be the same. I have lost some of my carefreeness (is that a word?). I have gained new anxiety and a great sadness that looms over my days. Summer has been hard because every where I turn there are cute babies and I think of mine. I think of how she should have been right here with me. last summer I kept thinking next year at the fair I will have the baby and next year at the picinic I will be showing off my baby. Instead I get the dreaded question of how are you doing? and those looks of sadness and awkward niceness. I wonder if people are analyzing me and saying things. she looks thin, or fat or tired or sad. I wonder what they think even though I don't care. They will never be in my position. I wish she was here every second of the day and wonder what I would be doing if she was. I wonder if she would like her cereal or what fruits and veggies she would like. I wonder if she would eat her toes because she ate her hands. I wonder how big she would be and if she would light up when I walked in the room. I found her tiny sock in my dresser drawer today. I smelled it and remembered her again for the 80th time today. I remember her every second of the day and wish this wasnt my reality. It is and somehow I get through the day.

So begins crazy season!

Well after only a few short weeks of "vacation".... an abbreviated trip to Allegany that was cut short due to strep throat outbreaks, a quick overnight trip to Niagara Falls, a 7th birthday celebration and a few trips to Fantasy Island with friends... now the work starts!

Cheerleading is underway - and this year I am assisting with the coaching of my daughters' pee wee squad. We have a huge team this year, and it's proving to be quite challenging... but so far, things are coming together, and we're moving along! Luckily, I have my daughter to help "coach" me on the words and the movements, as I am learning as I go!

I admit... I've never been one to enjoy cheerleading. In fact, I made fun of cheerleaders when I was in school! I now have a greater appreciation for the sport, and how hard these girls work - even at the pee wee level - and I love how much Sara enjoys and excels at it!

In only a couple of weeks, we'll also start Brownies! This is Sara's second year as a Brownie, and also my second year leading her troop. Thank goodness I will have a great co-leader this year, who is conveniently a good friend of mine!

I am looking forward to this year with my second grader and my preschooler! So much planned!!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Why is the cat pink?

I wake up this morning bright and early. It was before the alarm rang and everything. Was it early enough? NO!!!!!!!!! I find Patrick in the kitchen, he dragged a chair over to the countertop, climbed up and I caught him opening up a container of brown sugar.

That wasn't the worst of it the floor was covered in food coloring. The cat had pink polka dots on it and there were trails of multi-colored kitty footprints all over the rug. Thus begins my day.


Then I have to trace down a tax ID for one of our doctors so our insurance would cover it. Of course then I have to call the insurance company. Why does it take so long to get a pre-notification number? That sucked up my whole free morning.

In fact this is my first quiet moment to myself all day. After a doctors appointment and watching my nephews add to that soccer practice, gardening and the normal mommy duties this was quite an eventful day.

Oh and the poor kitty is still covered in pink polka-dots.


Monday, May 5, 2008

It all Started at McDonald's

Friday I went through McDonald's Drive-Thru at breakfast. Brianna just wanted a sausage. We picked up our order and I drove home so we could eat. Did I check the bag? NO!!!!!

So When we get home Brianna doesn't have any sausage. I gave her the sausage from my McGriddle and called to complain. They told me to ask for a new one when I am next there for breakfast.

So this morning on the way to her school we go through Drive-Thru and Brianna wants a toy too. Usually they will give them to us no charge if I ask and there is a child in the car. Not all McDonald's do that even though they are supposed to. At least that is what my brother tells me, he is an overnight manager there. They won't give me one cause I didn't buy anything.

So to avoid tears and I was hungry anyway I order a dollar menu item. Do I have money with me? Again, NO!!!!! So out comes the bank card. Ooops I forgot the money in the bank is waiting for the never cashed check that still hasn't been cashed.

I remember the bag of pop bottles in the car and when I picked Brianna up from school the bak in the store was finally open so I turned in pop bottles to get the dollar to deposit in the bank before the Tonawanda Soccer Club cashes the check during the few hours that we are under the amount in the bank. Somehow that is always when the checks are cashed, LOL!!!

We end up with $1.55 in bottles so I bought some M&M's for us to share. They were 2/.88 so I knew I would still have that $1.00 to put in the bank. The cashier hands me .98 change!!!! We can clearly see the M&M's are .44 a bag, not the .62 they rang up as. SUPER REFUND!!!!!

I ended up with $2.10 plus .23 back from the refund. Bonus when I was at the bank I found out our checks were still free and we just ran out so I got new checks too.

It all started with a sausage order at McDonald's end ended with a profit for me and free checks. Not a bad mornings work, LOL!!!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Lens Envy...

Well I finally did it! I broke down and bought that SLR I've been eying for so long... yes, I have given in to the lens envy pressure of the other mama-razzis : ) I finally settled on the Canon Rebel XT - which so far is suiting me well.

I am still learning the basics of the features, and have discovered that I will need to use some more of the custom settings to get the results I want, but so far, here's some of the pictures I've gotten from using this camera...



Both Kiddos...