Thursday, August 14, 2008
Today I am in a sad mood and I can't seem to get out of it. I guess it's to be expected but doesn't mean I have to like it. I am just missing her. I am missing her cry. We were in the store today and there was a newborn baby crying and Gabby said, "doesn't that sound like Addilynn?" I said, "yes it does". It made me miss her more. I felt like running to that woman and telling her how lucky she was and making sure she knew it or telling her my baby died. Of course that would make me just seem nuts. Some days there is nothing I can do to stuff my sadness away. I try but it sneaks up on me. I am missing her tiny hand holding my hand. Every single time I fed her she would hold my hand. Her tiny warm hand would wrap around my fingers and it would just fill my heart. When I held her after her bottle she would rub her face on my shirt and I would rub her head on my cheek. I miss that so much. Some days its so sad and unbearable and I want to cry every five seconds. Sometimes I am afraid that I will forget her. I remember holding her that last time. I remember the tear drops rolling down my cheek onto the blanket they wrapped her in. Even though it was a stupid thought I hoped that somehow my tear of sadness and love would fix her. It didn't and more tears rolled onto her blanket and were soaked up. I whispered in her ear mommy will always love you and I will always keep you in my heart. I rubbed her face for the last time.