Sunday, August 10, 2008

What should have been

It's been a very long hard road and still I see a long road ahead before my broken heart begins to mend. I still feel very broken and lost. I am not sure of who I am now. I am not the same nor will I ever be the same. I have lost some of my carefreeness (is that a word?). I have gained new anxiety and a great sadness that looms over my days. Summer has been hard because every where I turn there are cute babies and I think of mine. I think of how she should have been right here with me. last summer I kept thinking next year at the fair I will have the baby and next year at the picinic I will be showing off my baby. Instead I get the dreaded question of how are you doing? and those looks of sadness and awkward niceness. I wonder if people are analyzing me and saying things. she looks thin, or fat or tired or sad. I wonder what they think even though I don't care. They will never be in my position. I wish she was here every second of the day and wonder what I would be doing if she was. I wonder if she would like her cereal or what fruits and veggies she would like. I wonder if she would eat her toes because she ate her hands. I wonder how big she would be and if she would light up when I walked in the room. I found her tiny sock in my dresser drawer today. I smelled it and remembered her again for the 80th time today. I remember her every second of the day and wish this wasnt my reality. It is and somehow I get through the day.

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