Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The dresser drawer

There it sits the drawer that is never opened. It has the only items left of Addilynn. Those are the most special things. The things that smell like her. Her bedsheets, clothes, spit rags...and hat. They all lay there in bags. All I have left are Ziploc bags of clothes. I no longer have my sweet baby to kiss and hold. I can't rub my face against her fuzzy head like I used too. I miss that everyday. I can't sniff her up after her bath because she smells so fresh and baby like. The only thing I can so is hold her clothes to my chest and pretend I am holding her. Then I smell them and remember her and wish she were here all the more. It doesn't help to have these things but it helps to have a piece of her. I have some of her hair but I have not been able to look at it. They also made us a foot print which I haven't seen since that day either. All of her baby things besides those I specifically requested are not here. I can't see them. right now my baby should be swinging in her swing or sleeping in her crib. Instead her sheets have been taken away and crib remains empty like the hole she has left behind. I walk upstairs and I still can picture her there. I can hear her tiny cry wanting a bottle or attention. I walk past the drawer and it remains closed. I walk past the rocking chair and it is vacant. I get into bed and look to where her bassinet was and say goodnight to her. Then my only prayer is that I will dream about her. That maybe in my dream I can hold her, smell her, hug her, and kiss her. Goodnight sweet baby girl, my perfect rose.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Heather words can't express what I think/feel when I read your blog. I remember holding Addilynn that night at my house and know that she was perfect. I can tell you that I have learned from your tragedy. I know that I appreciate my girls so much more. Moments that used to be sad for me (like packing away outgrown clothes) are now filled with joy. I know you would give anything to bring addilynn back and I hope you know that I would do anything to give that to you.