Sunday, August 23, 2009

Some things I can't give up

While it seems like so much time has gone by there are some things I can not give up. I still leave the kitchen light on. I left it on every night you were born in case I had to make a bottle for you in the middle of the night. I still leave it on. Maybe I do it so you know if you need me I am still here. I know you need nothing and you are happy but I can't give it up. The things in your drawer no longer smell like you . They smell like the drawer but it doesn't matter sometimes I still need them. I can no longer hold you but I can hold the clothes you last wore. I still can't let the nightmare that haunts my night time go. I still see you being carried into my room and I hear the words that were spoken. I know you are happy but I can't let go of my own selfish desires to have you here. There are times even now that I still can't believe all of this has happened. I wonder what you would look like if you were here. Would you have those big brown eyes still? Would you have said mama or daddy first? I know that as time goes on my heart will heal but my heart will also never let you go. I will always hold you in my heart. I remember as a tears streamed down my cheeks and I whispered my last words. I wonder what my actual last words were to you alive. Did I kiss you goodnight? Did I tell you I loved you? Do you know how much I love you? These questions still haunt me. There is one thing I never stop wishing for and that is to hold you again. I know that would only leaving me wishing for more.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The baby news

Well I went for another sonogram at a different place. This time they found the baby but no heartbeat this time. The baby has died. It it a very strange feeling knowing there is a baby in me that I'll never see. I guess it was better that it happened early. Then have a baby with a lot of problems. Like I keep telling myself thank God I have 2 healthy beautiful children. It doesn't make it any easier but I love the family I do have.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

good and bad

I'll start out with the bad news I found out I was prego then saw the baby on the sono. Then the next week had another sono then nothing no baby. It just never developed.
Then there's the good news my dh is opening up a gallery/retail store downtown on Elmwood. He is starting to get it ready. Wish us the best.
You know I am thankful for what I have now 2 beautiful healthy children.