Monday, August 25, 2008

The things that are still difficult....(the 25th)

It has been four months since I have seen you and held you in my arms. Four months since I kissed you goodnight. Someday it will be four heartbreaking years. There are still many things that are difficult. I still have a hard time turning out the kitchen light because I used to leave it on to make you a bottle in the night. I can not sleep in the dark because I am afraid something will happen and I won't see it. I can not sleep with out you next to me. The sight of the television shows that were on that night as I heard you cry for the last time makes me sick. I can not be in a room with another baby for a long time because the ache for you becomes stronger. I can't look at another baby without comparing them to you. When I walk upstairs I see your crib which I can not bring myself to take down. I can still see you there talking to your mobile and crying when it turns off. I can't drive in the direction of your grave without stopping in to say hi. I can not take your sticker off the back of the car because you are still a part of our family. I can not yet look at your face on a daily basis. The heartache would be too great and my arms would feel how empty they are. I can not erase your pictures off the camera because then I would feel like you were never really here. I can't go to the same doctor you went too because I used to take you there. I remember all the memories of you but wish there were more. I savored the times you feel a sleep on me after I fed you. I would hold you a little longer and kiss your head. It may have been 3 am but I knew these times would not last forever. I remember your first shots how you cried but the second I scooped you up you stopped. I have to believe that it was because I was picking you up and you knew me as mommy. I remember your sweet gummy smile. I remember after you were born and how I had you all to myself and I would sing to you the same song I sang to Gabby. I will forever ache for you and hold you in my heart.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"


wny_mommy said...

HUGS Heather - I know today - and every is so hard for you.

Jamie said...

Thinking of you and praying that someday the pain will be diminished. but for now..we love you, HUGS

hollyhobbie said...

My heart aches for you everyday and I pray for all of the family that someday it will get a little easier.

bunnyhop said...

Heather, you are in my thoughts and I pray that you have at least a few moments here and there when the pain is not so acute...just some respite for you and your loved ones.