Thursday, January 15, 2009

Happy Birthday, Addilynn Rose. I love you today, tomorrow, and always.

Tiny Angels
Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so"

.Author Unknown

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Jan 15th

Thursday, January 15th, 2009 is supposed to be Addilynn's first birthday. I don't know what to do. I am completely torn. I should be having a party and she should be eating her first cake all by herself. Instead none of that will ever happen. She will never get to celebrate one or any birthdays. We will never buy her presents. It's not just another day but its not like we knew her so well we can go out and do her favorite thing or eat her favorite foods. I will never know any of those things about my daughter. I feel like her birthday is just a big fat reminder of the things I will never do and of the joy I used to have. My mom wants to release happy birthday balloons into the sky. My husband wants to drop flowers off at her grave. Part of me wants to just hibernate and wake up the 16th. I can't think about it without tearing up. I also think that now I have to go through another new phase. Now I have to relive the days Addilynn did live but with out her. Even though it is only January I am dreading her death date. Just like I never wanted that day to happen I more than anything wish it would forever be gone. As if I don't relive that day over and over enough. I think about it so often I start to second guess everything. I wonder why I wasn't allowed an answer as to how or why. I wonder why it had to be SIDS. I will definitely visit her that day but still it doesn't actually help. I just know I should because I am her mommy. It just reminds me that is has been that long already. Sure I am living and sure I still have fun and enjoy things in life because I don't want to waste it but I always have sadness. A great big gaping hole of sadness. I know she is in a better place and will never experience heartache but she will also never experience the great things life has to offer. It's not always a bowl of sunshine but there are many good things. I miss you so much Addilynn, we all do.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Its a new year

It is a new year and I have mixed feelings. Not that I can control how slow or fast the days pass. I can't control too many aspects of my life. It is not in my hands. I wonder if your heart valves have yet saved a life or when they will. I wonder when you will live on in the heart of another baby and save their parents from the heartache we feel everyday. That was an easy question...I knew I had to let you live on and prevent this kind of heartache from others. I feel sad that you will never live in 2009 I will never hold you in 2009. Part of me feels like I have left 2008 behind and I have to leave you behind. I never will as your mother. I know I see you around me. You are the white rose that sticks out of the snow on Christmas day. You are the warm sun on my face that wakes me up in the morning. You are the warmth I feel on a cold winter night. You are forever with me in my heart just not in my arms. I will never again get to kiss your sweet soft cheek. 2008 brings mixed feelings because it was the year we said hello and goodbye to you all at once. It was the year that started out to be the best year I had yet to have once to blow up and crash and burn in the spring. The year I am forever changed and the year that made me a different person. A year that made one single event define who I am .