Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Should we try for another?

I wanted badly for Gabby to have a sibling. I have several and couldn't imagine life without them. I just want to make sure she has someone close besides me and jack to count on. I don't know if I can go through it all again. I am not a happy pregnant person. I am afraid of labor. I didn't have a good experience at all with Addilynn. I know it will all be worth it again. I want to have that joy again that a new baby brings. I wanted Addilynn so much. All my plans along with my heart were just shattered. I feel like my heart is like a glass window pain and it was smashed with a mallot. At that moment you could see my heart shatter and fall to the ground in tiny peices that even if put back together it will never be the same. As everyday goes by I try to pick the peices up but I can't find every last shard. It will never be whole again. I loved her so much and of course I still do. I don't know if I have another one how that will feel when I see that face that looks like hers. Gabby and Addilynn looked so much a like that sometimes looking at baby pictures of Gabby is hard. Will I be able to get close to the baby? I don't know how I will ever sleep with the a new baby in the house. How do I not worry that the same thing will happen again? How do I not feel like the second I close my eyes will be the last time I see my baby? How do I not fear it? No one ever thinks it will actually happen to them....but it did happen to me. My worst fear came true. I held my limp baby in my arms and couldn't even grasp what was actually happening but I knew she was gone. I tried to save her but it had no effect. How do I not see that scene in my head every night when I put my new baby to bed or in for a nap? Then the other question is,what if we don't have another, will I be happy only having one?

No comments: