Thursday, August 28, 2008

same ol same ol

I don't know where I am anymore. I feel like I should be further in the grief process or like I shouldn't miss you so much now. I feel like its been four long long months and I shouldn't think about you every second still. There are times when I am happy and excited about things but in the background I still feel sad. I still ache for you. I wish you were here more than anything almost everyday. I wish somehow I could go back in time and prevent it. I know they say when its your time its your time but still I wish I could. There are still days where I cry and cry. I just miss you and sometimes I think what else is there to say. I try to reason as to why it was your time. I try to understand and forgive. Even though I know there is no answer that I will know in my lifetime. I wonder if there is something I missed or some peice of information I didn't think of. Yet I know thier will be no answer that I find I still search. Then I search for peices of you left behind. I smell your clothes even though the smell has begun to fade. I look at your sweet face in pictures even though there will be no more pictures of you. I hold your blanket in my arms and put it up to my face and then to my heart. I search for signs...I search for you...I miss you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The things that are still difficult....(the 25th)

It has been four months since I have seen you and held you in my arms. Four months since I kissed you goodnight. Someday it will be four heartbreaking years. There are still many things that are difficult. I still have a hard time turning out the kitchen light because I used to leave it on to make you a bottle in the night. I can not sleep in the dark because I am afraid something will happen and I won't see it. I can not sleep with out you next to me. The sight of the television shows that were on that night as I heard you cry for the last time makes me sick. I can not be in a room with another baby for a long time because the ache for you becomes stronger. I can't look at another baby without comparing them to you. When I walk upstairs I see your crib which I can not bring myself to take down. I can still see you there talking to your mobile and crying when it turns off. I can't drive in the direction of your grave without stopping in to say hi. I can not take your sticker off the back of the car because you are still a part of our family. I can not yet look at your face on a daily basis. The heartache would be too great and my arms would feel how empty they are. I can not erase your pictures off the camera because then I would feel like you were never really here. I can't go to the same doctor you went too because I used to take you there. I remember all the memories of you but wish there were more. I savored the times you feel a sleep on me after I fed you. I would hold you a little longer and kiss your head. It may have been 3 am but I knew these times would not last forever. I remember your first shots how you cried but the second I scooped you up you stopped. I have to believe that it was because I was picking you up and you knew me as mommy. I remember your sweet gummy smile. I remember after you were born and how I had you all to myself and I would sing to you the same song I sang to Gabby. I will forever ache for you and hold you in my heart.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Family

As a single mom of two, there's one thing that would make me completely content with life at this point. I want the night to come that I tuck in my girls, and they're both able to say "Goodnight Mom and Dad". The day to come when they say to their friends "oh yeah, my parents will be there". I want so bad for them to have a Dad. For us to have a family. It has nothing to do with marraige, love, or money. I know love between a man and woman is the biggest thing, but if my girls could call someone Dad, and that man could smile at the word, that would mean more than love to me. Maybe I watch too many "chick flicks" or listen to too much country music. I always thought it was so simple and logical...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Missing you

I am just missing you today...I can't stop the tears from coming some days. I go to visit my mom in the same hospital we went with you for the last time. I think I wonder if they know about you when I look around to the staff. I don't think it's that often that they have that happen. I wonder if I mention it they will know. I see the balloons and flowers leaving with the new dads that say it's a girl and I remember when you were born. I miss you and still can't believe at times that this is what has happened. The question of why never leaves my mind. Some days the tears just roll down my face in an endless stream and onto my heart where you are. I hope you only feel the love I have for you and not the sadness that I feel when I ache for you. I hope you can feel how much we love you and I hope you felt that while we held you in our arms. I hope you knew how much we wanted you. I wish you were here.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Birth Certificate

We got the birth certificate for Addilynn today. My husband needed it for some insurance stuff so he called yesterday and explained we never got it. She said you must have and what not..anyway he ends up saying well we never got and she died. So she finally says I will send that right out to you. So it comes today and on it, it says certificate of live birth, DECEASED!!! I called and said is it supposed to say that cause she didn't die at birth. She said yes the state requires that we stamp it deceased. I was so upset..I will never have a regular one just one stamped with DECEASED...if they would have sent it out when they were supposed too, then we would have a normal one. I want a normal one that I can keep not one that said she died. I think I am well aware of that. There has got to be someone else I can talk to or ask about it. It seems to be the same lady who answers the phone. I just want a normal one...

Monday, August 18, 2008

The results are in...

The results are in and I don't feel any better...It's the answer I didn't want. They are calling it Sudden Infant Unexplained Death...The only reason it isn't being called SIDS is because she was in Jack's lap when she died. Everything she found was consistent with SIDS..I don't feel better because that is not a reason. There is no one to be angry with. Our baby was perfect except she died. How unfair is that? All this time, all this waiting and nothing. There is no reason. No abnormalities, no defects, no virus, no disease...just perfect. So there is nothing no one could have done to prevent it. Does that make me feel better...not really. I am angry there is no real answer. I did everything right and still my baby died. I tried to be the best mommy and it didn't matter. I feel like there are a lot of people out there that do horrible things to their babies. Like somehow their infant ingested cocaine...what the heck? That woman gets to keep her child..How is that fair? Some people have babies that aren't wanted and they live. Why can't I have mine? Why wasn't I allowed to have her? I guess that night it was her time..The angel came and took her hand. She didn't suffer and there was nothing we could do to keep her here. She went to a place without pain, or sadness. Can I blame her, of course not. I just wish she had more time here on earth. More time so I could see her roll over, sit up, go to school and everything else that we hold precious with our children. I never thought it would happen to me. I knew about SIDS and I took the precautions they suggested but she still died. I just am not sure yet how I feel about this. I think it has to take time to sink in. I have so many emotions. I feel angry and sad. I always knew SIDS was a possibility of the "reason" why but I was hoping they would say something else. I don't even know if that would have helped because then I would have blamed the doctors or myself for not recognizing it. Maybe this is the best answer but it is an answer I don't understand. No one can say for sure what causes SIDS, it just happens. One second you are enjoying your baby and the next they are gone. It's every one's worst nightmare. It leaves you wondering why my baby? I don't know why and I will spend the rest of my days here trying to rationalize why. I spend everyday loving the child I will never hold again and missing her. I spend my days wishing this isn't happening. I spend my days trying to figure out who I am without her. I spend my days without you...sad and brokenhearted.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Addilynn Rose

In Memory Of Addilynn Rose

By Aunt Holly
Addilynn Rose
Addilynn your like a Rose in the Spring
God planted a seedling
Smelling oh so sweet
Each petal made unique
Your like a flower in the wind
A treasure indeed, this flower, the rose
With beauty abounding, as everyone knows
So, I'll possess it and press it as the moment itself,
Keeping it forever present,
Retaining all that was felt.
And although it lies in repose, I'll always remember
This flower, the Rose.

Friday, August 15, 2008

my heart is broken again!

The video of Addilynn is gone. It's all I had. It has her growth and memories on it. It had the day she was born and four days before she passed away. It was the single most precious thing I had left of her. I looked forward to the day I could bring myself to watch it again. Now I cry like I did the day she left us. It is almost as if she is leaving me again. I am angry with God. I feel like he is taking everything I have. Why is he allowing this to happen? How could he let this happen? Why can't I at least have that? It's not fair. I feel like I have seen it ten times in the last month not knowing that it was that tape. What if I threw it out by accident. I told gabby to never ever touch this tape and I put it up high. The only way she could get to it is if she stood on the table. I found the case with a bead and a yellow jewel in it so I know it was her. My heart breaks because now I can't even see her alive. I will never see that again. I will never see her smile at me. I will never see her cry or hear her cry again. I don't get to hear her voice ever again...can I live without that? my heart breaks again for the second time.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My snuggler

Today I am in a sad mood and I can't seem to get out of it. I guess it's to be expected but doesn't mean I have to like it. I am just missing her. I am missing her cry. We were in the store today and there was a newborn baby crying and Gabby said, "doesn't that sound like Addilynn?" I said, "yes it does". It made me miss her more. I felt like running to that woman and telling her how lucky she was and making sure she knew it or telling her my baby died. Of course that would make me just seem nuts. Some days there is nothing I can do to stuff my sadness away. I try but it sneaks up on me. I am missing her tiny hand holding my hand. Every single time I fed her she would hold my hand. Her tiny warm hand would wrap around my fingers and it would just fill my heart. When I held her after her bottle she would rub her face on my shirt and I would rub her head on my cheek. I miss that so much. Some days its so sad and unbearable and I want to cry every five seconds. Sometimes I am afraid that I will forget her. I remember holding her that last time. I remember the tear drops rolling down my cheek onto the blanket they wrapped her in. Even though it was a stupid thought I hoped that somehow my tear of sadness and love would fix her. It didn't and more tears rolled onto her blanket and were soaked up. I whispered in her ear mommy will always love you and I will always keep you in my heart. I rubbed her face for the last time.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The dresser drawer

There it sits the drawer that is never opened. It has the only items left of Addilynn. Those are the most special things. The things that smell like her. Her bedsheets, clothes, spit rags...and hat. They all lay there in bags. All I have left are Ziploc bags of clothes. I no longer have my sweet baby to kiss and hold. I can't rub my face against her fuzzy head like I used too. I miss that everyday. I can't sniff her up after her bath because she smells so fresh and baby like. The only thing I can so is hold her clothes to my chest and pretend I am holding her. Then I smell them and remember her and wish she were here all the more. It doesn't help to have these things but it helps to have a piece of her. I have some of her hair but I have not been able to look at it. They also made us a foot print which I haven't seen since that day either. All of her baby things besides those I specifically requested are not here. I can't see them. right now my baby should be swinging in her swing or sleeping in her crib. Instead her sheets have been taken away and crib remains empty like the hole she has left behind. I walk upstairs and I still can picture her there. I can hear her tiny cry wanting a bottle or attention. I walk past the drawer and it remains closed. I walk past the rocking chair and it is vacant. I get into bed and look to where her bassinet was and say goodnight to her. Then my only prayer is that I will dream about her. That maybe in my dream I can hold her, smell her, hug her, and kiss her. Goodnight sweet baby girl, my perfect rose.

Should we try for another?

I wanted badly for Gabby to have a sibling. I have several and couldn't imagine life without them. I just want to make sure she has someone close besides me and jack to count on. I don't know if I can go through it all again. I am not a happy pregnant person. I am afraid of labor. I didn't have a good experience at all with Addilynn. I know it will all be worth it again. I want to have that joy again that a new baby brings. I wanted Addilynn so much. All my plans along with my heart were just shattered. I feel like my heart is like a glass window pain and it was smashed with a mallot. At that moment you could see my heart shatter and fall to the ground in tiny peices that even if put back together it will never be the same. As everyday goes by I try to pick the peices up but I can't find every last shard. It will never be whole again. I loved her so much and of course I still do. I don't know if I have another one how that will feel when I see that face that looks like hers. Gabby and Addilynn looked so much a like that sometimes looking at baby pictures of Gabby is hard. Will I be able to get close to the baby? I don't know how I will ever sleep with the a new baby in the house. How do I not worry that the same thing will happen again? How do I not feel like the second I close my eyes will be the last time I see my baby? How do I not fear it? No one ever thinks it will actually happen to them....but it did happen to me. My worst fear came true. I held my limp baby in my arms and couldn't even grasp what was actually happening but I knew she was gone. I tried to save her but it had no effect. How do I not see that scene in my head every night when I put my new baby to bed or in for a nap? Then the other question is,what if we don't have another, will I be happy only having one?

In a bad mood today

I know my problems are minor (Heather, you're a tough act to follow)... but I'm just crabby today and thought I'd vent it out anyway.

I guess today I am frustrated because I have come to the realization that I've raised my kids to expect far too much. Thinking I am doing the right thing for them, I made sure that (at least Sara) was in some sort of structured social type thing since she was very young (never all at once, of course but...) - gymnastics, Girl Scouts, Swim Classes, Cheerleading and various things here and there... Now, when I want to try and do the same for Erin (like put her in gymnastics), Sara conveniently has forgotten about the 3 years she spent in gymnastics herself, the time I spend with her and her Brownie troop, not to mention the commitment we've made to cheerleading.

Every morning, they wake up asking "where are we going today".... it's expected, and when we do go someplace, they're complaining and asking about the next day. So frustrating.

So what do I do? Stop? Punish them by not letting them participate in sports or group activities? Take away all of their worldly goods and let them see what it's really like to 'want'? Remove myself from their organizations? Sometimes I wonder.

Today I feel like they are thankless brats, and I know it's horrible to say - I know they are good kids, but when they want more more more, it hurts my feelings, and just makes me feel like I can't do anything right.


Thanks for reading.

Monday, August 11, 2008

No results again!

It's another Monday and I call again. I ask if there are any results and when will they be sent out. Again they have no answers and I have no answers. The sad part is it's the only time I get to refer to her. I get to say her beautiful name but not to her. It's the name I never get to call out and she will answer. It's the name I loved from first sight but now I can barely speak it. I wanted to tell everyone what her name was and show her off. I didn't want to tell the medical examiner over and over. I didn't want to spell it for her grave stone. I thought she was so smart and adorable. Probably as every mother does. I knew what I had from the day she was born. I knew I was so blessed and for almost 4 months I lived in a world of bliss. Now I live in a state of limbo wondering what happened. How could she be cooing and smiling and then dead? How could she leave us without a goodbye or warning? I don't think she would have chosen it but I am sure the angel took her hand and she walked away with him. I remember so vividly how she was sitting in my lap that night in her little got milk Jammies and she was facing outward. I was thinking how big she had gotten and I was putting her arms up and saying so big. I just want to know why and sometimes I don't think I will ever get an answer. I wonder if my instincts were right...was something wrong? That whole week before I said to everyone I don't know what's wrong with her but something is off. I took her to the doctor and nothing stood out. There was nothing that whole week that screamed take me to the hospital. When will I know? Will it help? Will I feel resolution? will it make it worse, if that's possible? I have no choice but to sit and wait and whisper her name in hopes that she hears me. I whisper I love you, Addilynn Rose. I whisper I miss you.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

What should have been

It's been a very long hard road and still I see a long road ahead before my broken heart begins to mend. I still feel very broken and lost. I am not sure of who I am now. I am not the same nor will I ever be the same. I have lost some of my carefreeness (is that a word?). I have gained new anxiety and a great sadness that looms over my days. Summer has been hard because every where I turn there are cute babies and I think of mine. I think of how she should have been right here with me. last summer I kept thinking next year at the fair I will have the baby and next year at the picinic I will be showing off my baby. Instead I get the dreaded question of how are you doing? and those looks of sadness and awkward niceness. I wonder if people are analyzing me and saying things. she looks thin, or fat or tired or sad. I wonder what they think even though I don't care. They will never be in my position. I wish she was here every second of the day and wonder what I would be doing if she was. I wonder if she would like her cereal or what fruits and veggies she would like. I wonder if she would eat her toes because she ate her hands. I wonder how big she would be and if she would light up when I walked in the room. I found her tiny sock in my dresser drawer today. I smelled it and remembered her again for the 80th time today. I remember her every second of the day and wish this wasnt my reality. It is and somehow I get through the day.

So begins crazy season!

Well after only a few short weeks of "vacation".... an abbreviated trip to Allegany that was cut short due to strep throat outbreaks, a quick overnight trip to Niagara Falls, a 7th birthday celebration and a few trips to Fantasy Island with friends... now the work starts!

Cheerleading is underway - and this year I am assisting with the coaching of my daughters' pee wee squad. We have a huge team this year, and it's proving to be quite challenging... but so far, things are coming together, and we're moving along! Luckily, I have my daughter to help "coach" me on the words and the movements, as I am learning as I go!

I admit... I've never been one to enjoy cheerleading. In fact, I made fun of cheerleaders when I was in school! I now have a greater appreciation for the sport, and how hard these girls work - even at the pee wee level - and I love how much Sara enjoys and excels at it!

In only a couple of weeks, we'll also start Brownies! This is Sara's second year as a Brownie, and also my second year leading her troop. Thank goodness I will have a great co-leader this year, who is conveniently a good friend of mine!

I am looking forward to this year with my second grader and my preschooler! So much planned!!!