Thursday, September 25, 2008

"If Roses Grow In Heaven"

If roses grow in heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my daughter's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy.
I do it everyday,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

5 months

It's been five months my precious baby since I last held you, touched you, and kissed you. Five months since I last heard you cry. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was feeling sick and I heard Daddy comforting you as you cried. I wish I had gotten up to comfort you myself. I wish I would have held you that last time. Maybe some how it would have changed the course of events. I know in the back of my mind there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but I just wish I could have. I still go over the events thinking about how they could have been different or how they could have changed. I think of the week before. I think of how I was preparing the garden in front of the house while you sat in the swing as happy as can be and kicked away. I think of the warm weather we had and how cute you looked in that little bunny jumper. I think of how that afternoon when you were playing in your gym and kicking away and smiling. If I only knew it was the last time you would. If I only knew I would have held you all day and begged God not to take you. I would have asked for more time. I wouldn't have done anything else but spend time with you. I would have made sure you knew I loved you so much. I have to believe that you know. I have to believe that for some reason this happened. I love you forever and always...till we meet again.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I still think of the events of that night. I think about why everything happened just so. I think of what Jack yelled to me as he ran you up to me. I think of what happened after. It all seems so surreal like it is some horrible nightmare. It still is a nightmare. It sometimes seems like it just couldn't have happened and I push it out of my mind. Then I remember how I used to hold you and you would look right into my face and talk to me. I wonder if every time I fed you, you held our hands because you knew that would have to be enough to last a lifetime. I cherish those times when I held you well after you had fallen a sleep. Is it enough to last me forever? Not a chance. I feel so robbed,

high school musical debut!

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Monday, September 15, 2008

I Need a Drink

Today I woke up to Patrick having a fever. So I had to keep him home from school. I have to drag him with me to take Brianna to school. I had to go to the pet store to put money on Patrick's Tarantula (yup he wanted one too so now we have two), then I had to grocery shop. I had put it off too much this weekend. We get home and one of my cats is up a tree. Yup way up there. I called the SPCA and they won't come out until the cat is up there for 24 hours.

Now Simba apparently is a LOUD cat. People could hear him from houses away. We tried for a long time to get my scared loud cat down from the tree and then all of a sudden I had to pick Brianna up from school. SO back in the car we go. Patrick is in tears because his cat is up the tree and we can't get him down. (this would have been a much better day if he had gone to school)

When we got home I saw that the fireman who lives across the street from me was home. So of course I think he can get the cat down. Firemen always get cats down don't they? So I ask him and he comes over and he comes up with the bright idea to squirt the cat with a hose because cats hate water and since he was on a lower branch he would jump down given a reason too.

Cats do hate water but apparently they go up rather than down when squirted with a hose. Now Simba is halfway up the tree and wet. If you thought he was loud before he is now. People from the next block over and trying to get him down from the yard behind ours. It has become a neighborhood event.

So I notice it is 3:15 and we have a 3:30 Dr. appointment for Patrick's yearly physical. Huge coincidence it was the same day he was home sick from school. Cat is up the tree, the fireman who I find out is VERY allergic to cats has to go to work and Dennis isn't home from work yet.

Yikes in all the excitement I still haven't unloaded the groceries from the car. Ooops there are cold things in those bags. As I am unloading the bags and putting the cold and frozen items away when daddy comes home. Both kids start talking to him at once. The cat is meowing and Dennis has no idea what is going on.

Now it is 3:20 and we have to leave to get to the appointment on time. I tell Dennis we can call the fire department when we get home (more tears from Patrick he wants his cat back). Dennis says "I can get the cat down." and starts to climb the tree.

Simba is happy to see Dennis but won't let Dennis pick him up. When Dennis picks up Simba at last he realizes the Oops in his plan. When you have a cat in your hands it is very hard to climb down a tree. Dennis manages to get close to the ground and drops the cat, Simba is of running but he is out of the tree.

I manage to get Simba into the house and notice it is now 3:25 and we have to go. Wow that only took 5 minutes it felt like forever. We manage to catch every green light on the way to the Drs. office. Pull into the parking lot and the inner entrance is all torn up and we have to drive all the way around the building to park. Patrick and I walk to the door while Daddy and Brianna pull the car around. Daddy drove, Brianna was in the back-seat.

The appointment went well and the doctor agreed with me. Sick from school = no outdoor activities like soccer. Daddy doesn't agree and let Patrick play at a friends house. I had to get him and explain again if you stay home from school you stay inside all day. Daddy then let Patrick play outside while I ran to the store. So again I have to be the bad guy. I am going to have to watch that Daddy.

Oh when we get home fro the doctors Time Warner is here. Ooops I forgot I scheduled an appointment because the cable was acting Wonky on Friday. The house is a mess, there are still groceries all over that I haven't put away (all boxes and canned goods) and Dennis has sent Patrick to that friends house.

I had to switch a lock in the basement to keep the kids from opening a door to our storage room. With the door open the cats can get outside through a broken window. Upstairs is supposed to fix it. So I manage to switch the lock and the key won't come out because the hole in the frame isn't long enough for the dead-bolt to go all the way into it. Now I have to figure out how to fix that. So the kids can still open that door. They know they aren't supposed to but that apparently doesn't matter.

Dennis announces he is going out at 8 p.m., coincidentally the kids bedtime and now I flip out. After this day I am not doing bedtime alone!!!! I won, he stayed until 8:30. The kids are in bed and I need a drink. Did I buy any while grocery shopping? Of course not!!!! What was I thinking!!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Busy week but I haven't forgotton you

There are many times when I want to mention you. I have no new stories to tell. I can't tell anyone how much you grew and for all they know I don't have a baby. They don't know that just 8 months ago I gave birth to you and now your gone. You have gone to be with jesus and that's where you live now. They don't know that we still cry for you and miss you. I wonder sometimes can they see the sadness in my eyes? There are so many days when I wish I could just smell you. I pass by the infant section in target and I think of turning down the diaper isle just so I can smell the pampers. instead I walk by. I look at the clothes for fall and think oh that would have looked cute on you. I wish someone was asking me oh hows the baby? got any new pictures? Then my face would light up as I told a funny story or your latest milestone. and then they would say aww how sweet. That doesn't happen and will never happen. I miss you baby girl.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

How it should have been?

The days go by and I get further from the last time I held you. I still think of how it should have been or how it would have been. I think of how I would be dropping you off at daycare and then taking Gabby with me. I think of how I would want to rush home to pick you up. I am still angry that for some reason none of this was in the plan. Some times it feels like it never happened. Like you were never here although my heart tells me differently as a part of it is filled with you. I am starting a new job which is a good distraction but I think what would they all think if they knew how broken I really am on the inside. I think how would they react if they knew. I think of how I should be showing you off instead I am missing you and trying not to blurt it out. I smile and wonder if anyone sees just how broken I am on the inside. I wonder if they see the inner sadness that is still there looming over my day. although everyday I get farther away from the day I last held you and kissed you I get closer to healing. Even though I move on with my days there is not a day that passes or more likely an hour that I don't think of you . I think of you and love you and miss you always.