Monday, August 11, 2008

No results again!

It's another Monday and I call again. I ask if there are any results and when will they be sent out. Again they have no answers and I have no answers. The sad part is it's the only time I get to refer to her. I get to say her beautiful name but not to her. It's the name I never get to call out and she will answer. It's the name I loved from first sight but now I can barely speak it. I wanted to tell everyone what her name was and show her off. I didn't want to tell the medical examiner over and over. I didn't want to spell it for her grave stone. I thought she was so smart and adorable. Probably as every mother does. I knew what I had from the day she was born. I knew I was so blessed and for almost 4 months I lived in a world of bliss. Now I live in a state of limbo wondering what happened. How could she be cooing and smiling and then dead? How could she leave us without a goodbye or warning? I don't think she would have chosen it but I am sure the angel took her hand and she walked away with him. I remember so vividly how she was sitting in my lap that night in her little got milk Jammies and she was facing outward. I was thinking how big she had gotten and I was putting her arms up and saying so big. I just want to know why and sometimes I don't think I will ever get an answer. I wonder if my instincts were right...was something wrong? That whole week before I said to everyone I don't know what's wrong with her but something is off. I took her to the doctor and nothing stood out. There was nothing that whole week that screamed take me to the hospital. When will I know? Will it help? Will I feel resolution? will it make it worse, if that's possible? I have no choice but to sit and wait and whisper her name in hopes that she hears me. I whisper I love you, Addilynn Rose. I whisper I miss you.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

I love you sweety...your stronger than you think. I hope you get some answers, and they fill even the tiniest place in your heart.