Monday, October 20, 2008
I had my first dream of you. I held you and all was well. In my dream I woke up and you were next to me in your basinette alive and well. The only down side was it wasn't true and I woke up terribly sad and missing you more. I had wished for that dream for so long and then when it came it was horrible. It threw my whole day off. I wish everyday you will send me a sign or something that you hear me or see me. I find your socks everywhere for some reason lately. They just keep popping up. I think that is you saying hello mom. Your garden still blooms and blooms even now in late october. There are still butterflies coming to the bushes. for some reason lately I can't stop thinking about that last time I held you both alive and not. I remember that night as I held you and you looked into my eyes and I looked into yours. Were you saying goodbye mommy? Then I focus on the last time I held you and wised I would have taken off that wierd knit hat they put on you and felt your hair for the last time. I suppose it doesn't matter much but I wish I would have. I wish everything could hold your sweet smell forever but I know it won't. I just wish somehow besides in my heart I could have something closer to you. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just know that everyday my heart and arms ache for you. I don't think there will ever be a day when this doesn't happen.