Tuesday, March 31, 2009

As the sun sets think about your day!

As the sun goes down think about the day you had. Was it extraordinary? Was it the same ol thing just another day? Think about if when you child went to sleep tonight it would be the last time you would ever see them alive. Would you remember every detail of your day? Would you tell them over and over you loved them? What would you change about your day? Would you try to stop it? I think about the day I last spent with Addie. It was a Thursday. I got up fed her and took and we took Gabby to school. It was a warm day and we didn't need jackets. I took her to the gym with me and she slept almost all morning which was unusual but I thought wow time to myself. If I had known I would have held her while she slept. I would have held her all day and told her over and over I loved her. I would have savored every moment. She woke up and I fed her then soon after we went to pick up Gabby. I got everyone in the car when I discovered Gabby had left her blankie in the school. So I picked the baby up outta her car seat and angrily dragged the kids back in the school. I remember some girls say aww at Addie. I think she was awake I am not sure. Then I probably made dinner and I wasn't feeling well. I remember most of all the last few minutes I last spent with her. We were on the couch and my mom came over cause I didn't feel great and jack wasn't home. I was reading books to them then my mom was reading some. We were doing so big with Addie. She was happy. Then jack called and he came home and I went up to bed with Gabby. I am not sure I kissed her goodnight. I just know I was relieved when he got there. I remember laying in bed watching greys. Then about halfway through I turned it off. Jack had brought the baby upstairs to rock her and she was crying and I remember being annoyed. Then he came back down to make her a bottle and I still heard her cry but I fell a sleep. Then I was awoke by the most horrible words I ever heard. Jack was screaming my name and saying she wasn't breathing. I remember the rest all too well. It's not something I am ready to write in words yet. It's not something I want to read over and over. It already plays out in my head far to many times than I care to admit. Almost a year later and I still over analyze it over and over. It's probably not healthy but I wonder what could have been missed. Will I always wonder? probably. I wonder when this will stop consuming my thoughts? I wonder when it will not be in the back of my mind every second of the day? I wonder so many things some have answers and some there will never be an answer.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Almost a year without you!

I am told not to mark this day. Don't go to the cemetery, don't grieve, don't make it more difficult than it already is. Treat this day as any other. Once I have decided to do this I feel relieved. I feel a sense of yeah its coming up and yeah it doesn't change anything. Some good things have happened as a result of your death. I will not let your passing just fade away. I will not let your memory fade and I certainly won't forget or let anyone else forget. We were all robbed of knowing you but we will not be robbed of you. Every time I feel you have left me I am reminded you have not. I have learned so much about myself this last year. I have learned my faith is strong but I am still angry. No matter what good comes from your death I still don't see your life as collateral for these great things that have happened. I know that some things in life we don't get an answer because it is not one we can understand. I have learned the kindness of other people and that when you need it most they do come through. I have learned to pull strength from God's comfort even though I am mad at him and wonder where he was? Some say he was there. I prefer to think maybe he was taking a nap. I fear that if I don't my anger will grow. I look at pictures of you often and remember how it was to hold you. I leave the kitchen light on because I always did in case you needed a bottle at night. I can't bring myself to turn it off. I sleep with your pink bunny you got for Easter in hopes you will visit me in my sleep. As I go to sleep I am reminded every night how you are not here. I look into the empty crib the only reminder of your recent presence and I turn out the light as if it were symbolic. Night time still seems to be the worst time. It is the time of day that my thoughts are left to myself. I lay still trying to shut my thoughts off. Then I remember how long ago it seems that you slept next to me. I remember rocking you in the chair as I am wearing the same jammies I wore then. I feel the need to touch the spot where you head lay as if it was just there. The last time I held you always works its way into my mind and then the other horrible burned in memories flood my mind. The warm tears slide down my cheeks and onto my pillow. I lay awake in silence soaking my pillow. I finally give in to something to help and slip into a restless night of sleep only hoping that one of my dreams is of you. Goodnight my sweet baby!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How did this happen?

So what do you do when you put your life on hold for your family and then you wake up one day and want it back? For the last six plus years I have been a mom and wife. There have been ups and downs but everyday when I woke up I knew it was what I wanted to do. I had the support of my husband. He would work and I would stay home with the children and be a mom and a wife. Take care of the house, take care of our lives and be happy.

Well, I woke up today and wouldn't get out of bed. I looked at my house with clothes everywhere and piles of debris that are remnants of my past few years. Where did I lose control? How did my house end up like this, how did my life end up in similar piles of debris? Why did this happen to me again? I swore after I moved out of my parents house no one would have that kind of control over my life again. I wouldn't be another victim. No one would make me feel worthless on a daily basis again.

It took me a long time to let down my shields to let someone into my life that closely and I did. I fell in love, got married, had my family. I was what I always wanted to be a wife and mommy. Sue it would have been nice for me to work, to get the extra money but my hubby and I agreed I would stay home save on the daycare cost and I tried to do it all.

I always put the kids before cleaning. I never let it get this bad before though. I don't know how to start organizing or cleaning my house and the same goes for my life. So I sit on my bed and look at the piles of everything all over. How did it get so bad? How did I let my husband push me into the wall in front of my son and spit in my face? Why didn't I just walk away then?

I am afraid to walk away. I said for better or worse. Do I even remember the better? Why can't I take that last step? I am afraid I'll lose the kids. I am afraid of leaving him alone with the kids. Will he hurt them? I don't think so physically, but he can be so mean when he talks to them, or rather yells at them. Then I see the man I married playing with the kids with a smile on his face and I want to believe he can stay that way.

My therapist and I agree that there is something else there, be it Asperger's like my son or something similar. He was never treated and he won't seek help now. He refuses to work with me to fix our marriage because he believes it will either work out or it won't, There is no effort from him to keep me. He makes to effort to bring me back.

So I sit on my bed watching the spare TV, typing on my laptop and crying. I think I don't want to fix up. I think I give up. I feel wrong for giving up. I feel like I failed. I feel like I am about to lose everything.

My house is a wreck, my life is a wreck and I want to fix it, Why can't I?