Friday, August 15, 2008

my heart is broken again!

The video of Addilynn is gone. It's all I had. It has her growth and memories on it. It had the day she was born and four days before she passed away. It was the single most precious thing I had left of her. I looked forward to the day I could bring myself to watch it again. Now I cry like I did the day she left us. It is almost as if she is leaving me again. I am angry with God. I feel like he is taking everything I have. Why is he allowing this to happen? How could he let this happen? Why can't I at least have that? It's not fair. I feel like I have seen it ten times in the last month not knowing that it was that tape. What if I threw it out by accident. I told gabby to never ever touch this tape and I put it up high. The only way she could get to it is if she stood on the table. I found the case with a bead and a yellow jewel in it so I know it was her. My heart breaks because now I can't even see her alive. I will never see that again. I will never see her smile at me. I will never see her cry or hear her cry again. I don't get to hear her voice ever again...can I live without that? my heart breaks again for the second time.

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