same ol same ol

I don't know where I am anymore. I feel like I should be further in the grief process or like I shouldn't miss you so much now. I feel like its been four long long months and I shouldn't think about you every second still. There are times when I am happy and excited about things but in the background I still feel sad. I still ache for you. I wish you were here more than anything almost everyday. I wish somehow I could go back in time and prevent it. I know they say when its your time its your time but still I wish I could. There are still days where I cry and cry. I just miss you and sometimes I think what else is there to say. I try to reason as to why it was your time. I try to understand and forgive. Even though I know there is no answer that I will know in my lifetime. I wonder if there is something I missed or some peice of information I didn't think of. Yet I know thier will be no answer that I find I still search. Then I search for peices of you left behind. I smell your clothes even though the smell has begun to fade. I look at your sweet face in pictures even though there will be no more pictures of you. I hold your blanket in my arms and put it up to my face and then to my heart. I search for signs...I search for you...I miss you.