Monday, August 18, 2008

The results are in...

The results are in and I don't feel any better...It's the answer I didn't want. They are calling it Sudden Infant Unexplained Death...The only reason it isn't being called SIDS is because she was in Jack's lap when she died. Everything she found was consistent with SIDS..I don't feel better because that is not a reason. There is no one to be angry with. Our baby was perfect except she died. How unfair is that? All this time, all this waiting and nothing. There is no reason. No abnormalities, no defects, no virus, no disease...just perfect. So there is nothing no one could have done to prevent it. Does that make me feel better...not really. I am angry there is no real answer. I did everything right and still my baby died. I tried to be the best mommy and it didn't matter. I feel like there are a lot of people out there that do horrible things to their babies. Like somehow their infant ingested cocaine...what the heck? That woman gets to keep her child..How is that fair? Some people have babies that aren't wanted and they live. Why can't I have mine? Why wasn't I allowed to have her? I guess that night it was her time..The angel came and took her hand. She didn't suffer and there was nothing we could do to keep her here. She went to a place without pain, or sadness. Can I blame her, of course not. I just wish she had more time here on earth. More time so I could see her roll over, sit up, go to school and everything else that we hold precious with our children. I never thought it would happen to me. I knew about SIDS and I took the precautions they suggested but she still died. I just am not sure yet how I feel about this. I think it has to take time to sink in. I have so many emotions. I feel angry and sad. I always knew SIDS was a possibility of the "reason" why but I was hoping they would say something else. I don't even know if that would have helped because then I would have blamed the doctors or myself for not recognizing it. Maybe this is the best answer but it is an answer I don't understand. No one can say for sure what causes SIDS, it just happens. One second you are enjoying your baby and the next they are gone. It's every one's worst nightmare. It leaves you wondering why my baby? I don't know why and I will spend the rest of my days here trying to rationalize why. I spend everyday loving the child I will never hold again and missing her. I spend my days wishing this isn't happening. I spend my days trying to figure out who I am without her. I spend my days without you...sad and brokenhearted.

2 comments:

twiggs said...

You are a good mommy. You DID DO everything right. You took wonderful care of her and loved her so very much. The SIDS results are indefinite, and disappointing for you. I know you were hoping for something more definitive, more conclusive. I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you hoped for, but as you said, it was just Addilynn's time. She fell asleep in the arms of her earthly father and awoke in the arms of her Heavenly Father. Sweet, beautiful angels escorted her there; one of those angels was Susie. Your broken heart may heal somewhat, with time, but the space in your heart Addilynn filled will always be hers. She'll always be with you. Those memories will comfort you, if you'll let them; they'll be that smile that comes to your face when you need a lift; that ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Let her comfort you. She loves you and wants to bring you peace. Let her....

hollyhobbie said...

Someday we will understand and get answers when we die. I know that the short time she was here, she touched alot of people in different ways. She will always be in our hearts and will be missed.