Christmas

Heather I was feeling the same way sad because when we were both pregnant we all talked about Christmas time. And how many kids this year to buy for and opening gifts around the tree. It is so hard because in the back of my mind I want so much to buy for Addilynn. I know this year has been the hardest on me I noticed I have become more protective of both Benjamin and Claire. I still can't sleep at night and I'm always checking on her to make sure she is still breathing. I don't like that fear it could happen and it did happen to us so close to us. I am always asking why God did this happen? It effected all of us. I want so much for Claire to be 1years old then maybe it wouldn't be me living in fear every night. I know we wanted Claire and Addilynn to be best buddies. In my mind I think about how it could of been and it will never be. I miss you Addilynn.

The holidays

Even though we are just beginning the season I am feeling very down about it. I hear the Christmas songs and they make me sad. This should be your first Christmas. I should be buying presents for two kids not just one. I should be buying you a holiday dress. Last year it was almost time for you to be born and I was looking forward to your arrival. We all talked about how many kids there would be by next Christmas. Everyone kept saying that in both families. Now we are celebrating Christmas with one less. Then I am reminded of your birthday and I am not sure how I will make it through the day I should have been celebrating your very first birthday. I wanted all of this so much and this time of year is just reminding me of how much I am missing. I miss you everyday regardless of the holidays but this just seems to magnify that. I think one of the hardest things about this is that I don't know how to respond to people. What do I say when they say how many children do you have? I don't want to make an awkward situation. I am still very blessed and am never ungrateful just sad. I want so badly to hold you some days it just rips my heart open.

Blah blah

Sometimes I don't write often because I feel it is the same thing over and over. Blah blah I miss you. Of course I miss you and that will never change. I am still thinking of what I would be doing if you were here. I am still missing you everyday. I still wish things weren't as they are. But all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. I still think of the night you left us over and over. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to change the outcome of that morning. It is still hard to beleive that hours before your death you were smiling and cooing. It is hard to beleive that was the last time i would ever hold you again. I search for signs from you. I don't know how to feel half the time but I can say the pain of your death is not at the forfront anymore. I can't say it hurts less but its not my focus. It will always hurt and I will always miss you. Not much has really changed except I guess accepted it because I have to. Miss you and love you always baby girl...

ps. God please give Addilynn a kiss and a hug for me

Death

Death is the most concrete word there is. You are either dead or alive. However, it can sometimes be the most difficult to accept and understand. So hard to understand when someone dies suddenly. The question of why just circles your mind. When someone who was healthy gets a fatal diagnosis. When there is an accident and most of all when someone just dies. I don't really understand why babies of all people just all of a sudden die. There has to be a reason. Why does this happen? What can we do to stop it? Almost every other kind of death there is a way to prevent it. Of course there are still freak accidents. Is SIDS just some sort of freak accident? So many people assume that the baby was sick in some way. When I say it was SIDS they just say how sorry they are. Then I don't know how to respond. SIDS is something no one really knows that much about yet nothing can be done to find out. There are so many theories as to why it might happen in babies. Some people even say that their are possible neurological problems which I don't believe. I think that is just a theory. How can you have neurological problems but not a single symptom except you up and die. What if it is sleep apnea? I think that maybe they should do sleep studies on babies. It painless and harmless to the baby itself and the end result of course is not death. They could see if that is a possible connection. I just don't understand I guess why there is no information on this type of death except sorry your baby was healthy but she just stopped breathing. Why can't they do more? Why are they coming up empty. if death is so concrete then why can't there be a concrete reason?

Today was yucky!

I was kinda blindsided. I got a memo the other day saying we were going to give the one preggo girl in my building a book for the baby. Well I forgot and today I went to work and had a spare brand new one in my class that was Gabby's. It wasn't anything special really. No thought involved. It turned out to be like a mini baby shower for this lady which was ok but I really didn't want to be there. I didn't have much of a choice it was at lunch time and not everyone there knows my business. To top it off the special teacher had her baby there at lunch. her almost 8 month old baby. I nearly crawled out of my skin. I realize I can't avoid babies of course and there are few I can tolerate. Well only one I know of...he just melts my heart. What can I say he wore me down..LOL! but anyway most babies especially girls get to me. It is just horrible when they are there for extended periods of time. I don't want to miss out on seeing my niece I love her and she is family. So I am basically watching this baby shower and sitting next to this baby. I didn't choose to sit next to the baby the person next to me wanted to hold her. Then they start doing so big with her. I started getting misty eyed because the last time I saw addie I was doing that with her. I feel like I can't just get up and leave cause the entire faculty is sitting there watching her. Plus I felt weird with the people who knew sitting there. So I just sat there trying my hardest not to burst into tears. It was the worst situation I could ever think of except being on nursery duty or something. I know where I will be uncomfortable and I don't put myself in those types of situations. Really I should be able to have lunch at work without babies or baby showers. It was just awful and I never wanted to sprint out of a place more. I hope it gets better.

I had my first dream of you. I held you and all was well. In my dream I woke up and you were next to me in your basinette alive and well. The only down side was it wasn't true and I woke up terribly sad and missing you more. I had wished for that dream for so long and then when it came it was horrible. It threw my whole day off. I wish everyday you will send me a sign or something that you hear me or see me. I find your socks everywhere for some reason lately. They just keep popping up. I think that is you saying hello mom. Your garden still blooms and blooms even now in late october. There are still butterflies coming to the bushes. for some reason lately I can't stop thinking about that last time I held you both alive and not. I remember that night as I held you and you looked into my eyes and I looked into yours. Were you saying goodbye mommy? Then I focus on the last time I held you and wised I would have taken off that wierd knit hat they put on you and felt your hair for the last time. I suppose it doesn't matter much but I wish I would have. I wish everything could hold your sweet smell forever but I know it won't. I just wish somehow besides in my heart I could have something closer to you. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just know that everyday my heart and arms ache for you. I don't think there will ever be a day when this doesn't happen.

Our Little Flower Girl...

What an experience this has been!! Sara has been a flower girl twice, but never with so much "to do"... in the end, all worked out, and we had lots of fun... and got some GREAT pictures!!!

Scott even bought a new suit...



We rehearsed...


And Erin got the "princess treatment"!


Erin patiently waited while the bridal party got ready....



Finally, we got things underway!



The ceremony was beautiful - Erin and her cousin, Evan, did excellent!!
(and while Erin wasn't thrilled with having to hold hands or walk arm in arm with Evan, they made it down the isle without incident!)





After all was said and done, Erin got to take a break and I took some "relaxing" pictures too!!






Finally.... after all this time, telling Erin to "BE CAREFUL" around her pretty dress, so as not to get a spot on it, this past weekend, Erin cut loose with the help of our friend photographer, Nancy Petrizzo... and we "trashed the dress" :)










And of course, Erin couldn't resist performing her patented flip!