two years later...and still not a day goes by

It's been two years already and still not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wonder what you would look like now and how different my life would be if you were still here. I think of you daily and that need to hold you is still there. Those unanswered questions still loom. There are times when I feel the lose of you more than others. I always feel it. I always feel a little less than full and complete and happy. I watch Gabriella grow up and it is so bitter sweet. I will never see you do the things she is doing. I will always feel slated and robbed of this. I see the families that are bigger than one child and wonder if they know how blessed they are. I know I am blessed with Gabriella and you but I still long to have you here with us. I know you are in an awesome place but sometimes that really isn't soothing to me. Maybe that is selfish of me to want you here with us. You will never have to feel the pain we do and I am grateful for that. I will always miss you. The smell of you ..the feel of you...the sound of you... I love you, Addie!

Mother's Day

I have been emotional about Mother's Day coming up. Not for me being a mom but for my mom not being here with me. I know she is probably looking down from Haven. I try and think of good things we did on Mother's Day but it only ends up in tears. Sometimes I see myself doing or saying things my mom did with me I do with my own children. I ended up buying myself a gift in memory of my mom. It's a heart locket engraved on the front "Loved ones may leave you but memories remain in our hearts" and on the back it has her name and date she passed away. Then inside I'm going to put a picture of her in it. Then she will always be close to my heart. I Love You Mom and miss you deeply.

Sugar Snow and the Forgetful Tooth Fairy

I have been reading from the "My First Little House Books" for the last month to my children at bedtime. I wanted to introduce them to Little House on the Prairie and the main books were still too much for them. These books were full of brilliant illustrations and really engaged my children. I didn't know how much until I read the book titled "Sugar Snow". Patrick focused right on that book and had me read it over an over again.

The book was about making Maple Syrup from sap. Immediately Patrick wanted to tap the maple tree in our backyard and make our own syrup. To get him off that track I started looking for places near us to go and see how it was done. Serendipity was with me and one of the moms in my mommy group posted about the Maple Weekend at the end of the month. It took some time and help from friends but I managed to find a maple farm relatively close to us.

This weekend was the when we decided to go, the morning started out a bit rocky though. Worse it was my fault. Patrick lost a tooth yesterday and was so excited about the imminent Tooth Fairy visit. He put his tooth under his pillow and went to sleep with dreams of money in his head. He woke up from a bad dream and came into my room, he brought the tooth with him and put it under my pillow. I went to sleep and so did he, I never, opps I mean the tooth fairy never came.

He woke up and eagerly reached under his pillow expecting a dollar, he found his tooth still in the box he put it in. He sadly woke me up and had such a sad face and voice. "Mommy, why didn't the Tooth Fairy take my tooth. He was in tears. I asked if he checked in his room, and he ran into his room to check. I quickly put the money under the pillow hoping that if I tucked it in the corner maybe I could fix it.

He came back in my room so sad. I felt like the worse mommy ever. How could I forget to make the switch? I had completely blown it, I forgot about the missing tooth and broke my son's heart. I asked him to show me how he looked under the pillow and he showed me, but he didn't see the now present money under the pillow. I had to direct him to it. Now I had to think of a reason to explain why he still had the tooth. That actually wasn't even a concern for him after he was the dollar I had just hidden there.

He came up with several theory's about why he still had the tooth. I loved hearing him tell us all about it. The one he has latched onto is she forgot it and will back tonight get it and will of course leave him some more money. I think that might just happen, An extra dollar from the Tooth Fairy seems like a fair price to pay for being such a forgetful mommy.

So the morning was not the best start. Then the day didn't get much better. I couldn't find our camera, so I had to borrow my mom's camera. The directions I wrote down to get to the maple farm were wrong and we drove around for such a long time. Worse we were heading the right way by accident and I said we should turn around because my directions said something different. Finally we sucked it up and called the farm for directions.



We managed to get there before they shut down for the day. We met a turkey, and the kids got to pet him. They were surprised at how soft the feathers were. His head was a wrinkly and we touched it expecting it to be rough and cold, instead his head was soft and warm. Funny how you expect one thing from visual cues and prior knowledge and then it is so different from what you expect. I touched that poor turkeys head several times because it was so very different from what I expected. Patrick too was fascinated by the turkey, brianna however was afraid of it. I can understand that too. It was a big bird, and when he fluffed up his feather's he looked even bigger.

We took a tractor ride to see where they tapped the trees. I was expecting buckets and found out they use tubing conencted to many trees and the sap flows into large containers. This tubing can stay in place for ten years, they just hve to change where they tap the tree every year. We heard about how the weather has to be cold at night and not too warm during the day. This was also discussed in the book Patrick kept having me read over and over again. He even told the tractor driver all about the book.



Now Brianna loved the furry animals. She pet the bunnies, guinea pigs, llamas and of course the pony. She didn't want to ride the pony and we didn't make he, but she sure loved to pet that pony. She would have brought the pony home with us had we let her.

So even with a rocky start I think the day ended up pretty good. Patrick went right to bed as soon as we came home. That never happens. Usually he is in my room at leat ten times trying to stay up as long as he can.

The Three Little Pigs

Last week my son was in a school play. He had joined an after school theater program. He was so excited when he came home from the first meeting. My son proudly announced to me that he was going to be in a school play in front of the whole school. Practice was once a week and finally one day a script came home. Patrick was playing Little Pig 1 in the Three Little Pigs.

The play was a bit different than the Three Little Pig story most of us know. The Big Bad Wolf in this story was trying to bake his grandma a cake and ran out of eggs. He went to the Little Pig's houses to borrow eggs. So basically it was a big misunderstanding. Patrick's character was a little on the lazy side, and just built his house out of sticks to save time. Hmmm.

Patrick and I practiced his lines every night. He knew them with no problems. I could feed him a line from anywhere in the play and he could recite his line from memory. I couldn't wait to see the play. I knew he would perform wonderfully. The day was getting closer and sadly I had a conflict.

I was asked to start observing in a classroom on the same morning as the play. I knew it would be bad form to call off for the first morning, even if it was to see my son perform in a play. I had to miss it. Luckily all his grandparents, Dennis and Brianna went to the first performance and Patrick was wonderful I hear.

All the characters read from the scripts, I was a little disappointed when I heard that. Why had we practiced for so long if they were going to use their scripts. In my heart I knew Patrick didn't need it, even if he used it. I heard from multiple sources that Patrick was loud enough for the audience to hear him with no problems. This made his grandparents very proud.

After the play he had a chance to mingle with the audience and he was thrilled to have so many family members there. My father shook his hand and told him that he was a wonderful actor.



It broke my heart that I couldn't be there to watch my son on stage. I am so proud of him.

Missing her

It's hard lately because I really miss those phone calls from her and hearing her voice. Today I went to visit my dad and he seems fine in some sense but he tells me things that I know he misses her too. Sometimes I find myself talking to her about anything I'm thinking. I just miss those talks we use to have. I wish she lived longer than she did. I just wanted her to see her grandchildren grow and meet her newest grand baby. I Love You! I know you are in a better place and I want to believe you are looking over us.

My Mom

It's been almost a month since my mothers death (Jan. 20, 2010). She is greatly missed. It is surreal when I walk into my parents house where I grew up. Everywhere I turn I expect to see my mom. When I'm sitting there I almost hear my mom say "Do you want something to eat or drink?" Even though she couldn't get out to visit family in the last 5 years she always kept contact by phone. I miss those calls to check on me and the family. It was very hard when it was 10 days later and we were celebrating my kids' birthday. I kept thinking she was going to be there at our house when we came back from Rollie Pollies. My mother-in-law was one of the last to leave the party and that was when it hit me. I broke down into tears and couldn't stop holding her and saying how much I miss my mom. Not a day goes by where she is in my thoughts. Every night before I go to sleep I tell her I miss and love her very much.