Tuesday, March 31, 2009
As the sun sets think about your day!
As the sun goes down think about the day you had. Was it extraordinary? Was it the same ol thing just another day? Think about if when you child went to sleep tonight it would be the last time you would ever see them alive. Would you remember every detail of your day? Would you tell them over and over you loved them? What would you change about your day? Would you try to stop it? I think about the day I last spent with Addie. It was a Thursday. I got up fed her and took and we took Gabby to school. It was a warm day and we didn't need jackets. I took her to the gym with me and she slept almost all morning which was unusual but I thought wow time to myself. If I had known I would have held her while she slept. I would have held her all day and told her over and over I loved her. I would have savored every moment. She woke up and I fed her then soon after we went to pick up Gabby. I got everyone in the car when I discovered Gabby had left her blankie in the school. So I picked the baby up outta her car seat and angrily dragged the kids back in the school. I remember some girls say aww at Addie. I think she was awake I am not sure. Then I probably made dinner and I wasn't feeling well. I remember most of all the last few minutes I last spent with her. We were on the couch and my mom came over cause I didn't feel great and jack wasn't home. I was reading books to them then my mom was reading some. We were doing so big with Addie. She was happy. Then jack called and he came home and I went up to bed with Gabby. I am not sure I kissed her goodnight. I just know I was relieved when he got there. I remember laying in bed watching greys. Then about halfway through I turned it off. Jack had brought the baby upstairs to rock her and she was crying and I remember being annoyed. Then he came back down to make her a bottle and I still heard her cry but I fell a sleep. Then I was awoke by the most horrible words I ever heard. Jack was screaming my name and saying she wasn't breathing. I remember the rest all too well. It's not something I am ready to write in words yet. It's not something I want to read over and over. It already plays out in my head far to many times than I care to admit. Almost a year later and I still over analyze it over and over. It's probably not healthy but I wonder what could have been missed. Will I always wonder? probably. I wonder when this will stop consuming my thoughts? I wonder when it will not be in the back of my mind every second of the day? I wonder so many things some have answers and some there will never be an answer.