Jan 15th

Thursday, January 15th, 2009 is supposed to be Addilynn's first birthday. I don't know what to do. I am completely torn. I should be having a party and she should be eating her first cake all by herself. Instead none of that will ever happen. She will never get to celebrate one or any birthdays. We will never buy her presents. It's not just another day but its not like we knew her so well we can go out and do her favorite thing or eat her favorite foods. I will never know any of those things about my daughter. I feel like her birthday is just a big fat reminder of the things I will never do and of the joy I used to have. My mom wants to release happy birthday balloons into the sky. My husband wants to drop flowers off at her grave. Part of me wants to just hibernate and wake up the 16th. I can't think about it without tearing up. I also think that now I have to go through another new phase. Now I have to relive the days Addilynn did live but with out her. Even though it is only January I am dreading her death date. Just like I never wanted that day to happen I more than anything wish it would forever be gone. As if I don't relive that day over and over enough. I think about it so often I start to second guess everything. I wonder why I wasn't allowed an answer as to how or why. I wonder why it had to be SIDS. I will definitely visit her that day but still it doesn't actually help. I just know I should because I am her mommy. It just reminds me that is has been that long already. Sure I am living and sure I still have fun and enjoy things in life because I don't want to waste it but I always have sadness. A great big gaping hole of sadness. I know she is in a better place and will never experience heartache but she will also never experience the great things life has to offer. It's not always a bowl of sunshine but there are many good things. I miss you so much Addilynn, we all do.