miscarriage

I feel so sad today I found out was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in a few hours. We weren't even trying and we didn't even know we were pregnant. We weren't planning on having anymore babies. But if I only new I would of took my medicine I need to take when we are trying. I know we would would of been happy and surprised if it went good. I just don't understand why this is happening to our family one bad thing after another. Is this suppose to make us stronger well it's not. I feel more depressed and at such a loss. God please we can't take any more. I just sit here and cry. no more! I'm empty inside......

Thanksgiving

I am truely blessed! I have the best family and friends. I have a beautiful little girl. A nice house and things. I have a lot to be thankful but in my heart I feel a little bitter that your not here. I miss you so much today. although I am blessed and thankful I will always be missing that one peice that makes everything complete. That one peice that fills my heart with so much happiness I feel like it could burst at any moment. I realize I will always think of you and miss you and always be a little less complete.

Happy Thanksgiving baby girl. We all love you and miss you very much. As I promised you the last time I held you I will always carry you will me in my heart.

Christmas

Heather I was feeling the same way sad because when we were both pregnant we all talked about Christmas time. And how many kids this year to buy for and opening gifts around the tree. It is so hard because in the back of my mind I want so much to buy for Addilynn. I know this year has been the hardest on me I noticed I have become more protective of both Benjamin and Claire. I still can't sleep at night and I'm always checking on her to make sure she is still breathing. I don't like that fear it could happen and it did happen to us so close to us. I am always asking why God did this happen? It effected all of us. I want so much for Claire to be 1years old then maybe it wouldn't be me living in fear every night. I know we wanted Claire and Addilynn to be best buddies. In my mind I think about how it could of been and it will never be. I miss you Addilynn.

The holidays

Even though we are just beginning the season I am feeling very down about it. I hear the Christmas songs and they make me sad. This should be your first Christmas. I should be buying presents for two kids not just one. I should be buying you a holiday dress. Last year it was almost time for you to be born and I was looking forward to your arrival. We all talked about how many kids there would be by next Christmas. Everyone kept saying that in both families. Now we are celebrating Christmas with one less. Then I am reminded of your birthday and I am not sure how I will make it through the day I should have been celebrating your very first birthday. I wanted all of this so much and this time of year is just reminding me of how much I am missing. I miss you everyday regardless of the holidays but this just seems to magnify that. I think one of the hardest things about this is that I don't know how to respond to people. What do I say when they say how many children do you have? I don't want to make an awkward situation. I am still very blessed and am never ungrateful just sad. I want so badly to hold you some days it just rips my heart open.

Blah blah

Sometimes I don't write often because I feel it is the same thing over and over. Blah blah I miss you. Of course I miss you and that will never change. I am still thinking of what I would be doing if you were here. I am still missing you everyday. I still wish things weren't as they are. But all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. I still think of the night you left us over and over. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to change the outcome of that morning. It is still hard to beleive that hours before your death you were smiling and cooing. It is hard to beleive that was the last time i would ever hold you again. I search for signs from you. I don't know how to feel half the time but I can say the pain of your death is not at the forfront anymore. I can't say it hurts less but its not my focus. It will always hurt and I will always miss you. Not much has really changed except I guess accepted it because I have to. Miss you and love you always baby girl...

ps. God please give Addilynn a kiss and a hug for me