Missing her

It's hard lately because I really miss those phone calls from her and hearing her voice. Today I went to visit my dad and he seems fine in some sense but he tells me things that I know he misses her too. Sometimes I find myself talking to her about anything I'm thinking. I just miss those talks we use to have. I wish she lived longer than she did. I just wanted her to see her grandchildren grow and meet her newest grand baby. I Love You! I know you are in a better place and I want to believe you are looking over us.

My Mom

It's been almost a month since my mothers death (Jan. 20, 2010). She is greatly missed. It is surreal when I walk into my parents house where I grew up. Everywhere I turn I expect to see my mom. When I'm sitting there I almost hear my mom say "Do you want something to eat or drink?" Even though she couldn't get out to visit family in the last 5 years she always kept contact by phone. I miss those calls to check on me and the family. It was very hard when it was 10 days later and we were celebrating my kids' birthday. I kept thinking she was going to be there at our house when we came back from Rollie Pollies. My mother-in-law was one of the last to leave the party and that was when it hit me. I broke down into tears and couldn't stop holding her and saying how much I miss my mom. Not a day goes by where she is in my thoughts. Every night before I go to sleep I tell her I miss and love her very much.

Thankful Thursday

Today this mom is thankful for...

• My son who makes me smile and reminds me what is important in life.


• Chocolate (yes, a recurring theme in my "Thankful Thursday" posts)


• My amazing friends


• The feel of Fall in the air


• Memories, clear as day...

Some things I can't give up

While it seems like so much time has gone by there are some things I can not give up. I still leave the kitchen light on. I left it on every night you were born in case I had to make a bottle for you in the middle of the night. I still leave it on. Maybe I do it so you know if you need me I am still here. I know you need nothing and you are happy but I can't give it up. The things in your drawer no longer smell like you . They smell like the drawer but it doesn't matter sometimes I still need them. I can no longer hold you but I can hold the clothes you last wore. I still can't let the nightmare that haunts my night time go. I still see you being carried into my room and I hear the words that were spoken. I know you are happy but I can't let go of my own selfish desires to have you here. There are times even now that I still can't believe all of this has happened. I wonder what you would look like if you were here. Would you have those big brown eyes still? Would you have said mama or daddy first? I know that as time goes on my heart will heal but my heart will also never let you go. I will always hold you in my heart. I remember as a tears streamed down my cheeks and I whispered my last words. I wonder what my actual last words were to you alive. Did I kiss you goodnight? Did I tell you I loved you? Do you know how much I love you? These questions still haunt me. There is one thing I never stop wishing for and that is to hold you again. I know that would only leaving me wishing for more.

The baby news

Well I went for another sonogram at a different place. This time they found the baby but no heartbeat this time. The baby has died. It it a very strange feeling knowing there is a baby in me that I'll never see. I guess it was better that it happened early. Then have a baby with a lot of problems. Like I keep telling myself thank God I have 2 healthy beautiful children. It doesn't make it any easier but I love the family I do have.

good and bad

I'll start out with the bad news I found out I was prego then saw the baby on the sono. Then the next week had another sono then nothing no baby. It just never developed.
Then there's the good news my dh is opening up a gallery/retail store downtown on Elmwood. He is starting to get it ready. Wish us the best.
You know I am thankful for what I have now 2 beautiful healthy children.

Still missing you

I never have a day where I don't think of you and tell you I love you. I am your mother and will always think of you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I woke up to the sound of your cry and there you were. I was at the store today and I was standing right next to the little girls section and there was this pretty pink and brown dress. I dunno why but I picked it up. It immediatly brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had two girls to buy clothes for. I wish I could see you in that dress and know what you would look like. Although I am sure there would be days I would loose my mind because I was shopping with both of you, I only wish that were my life. What I wouldn't give to be shopping for something and be annoyed cause my girls were acting up. What I wouldn't give to just use the term, my girls. I know that we all miss you. I will always feel like my family is not complete. I miss you baby girl!