Gabby's broken heart

There is nothing worse than seeing your child legitimately heartbroken. My MIL gave us an ornament that said Merry Christmas from heaven. Gabby knows what it said and has been either picking up on our heightened sadness or is sad also. I am not sure she always seems to know when I am missing her. So she asked us if Santa delivered presents to Heaven. She was so concerned that Addilynn would not get any presents. It just breaks my heart when she misses her. I know that we miss her and really I have come to realize that my heart will always be a little bit busted. But she is my baby and I wish I could protect her from this heartache. She then proceeded to sing a song about her and saying how she misses her and she was her only sister and now she is alone. :( She then went on to sing how she will miss Christmas and the presents and that again she misses her and that she is in Heaven. I also know tonight that as I left the house and let my tears flow. I don't like to cry in front of her all the time I want her to be happy. I know you sent me signs saying you still were here. I don't know how I could ignore them. The most obvious was when I went to go get into the car and where I didn't see it before was the green pacifier that we used with you just sitting there. I sometimes feels as if you are always around and you know we need that extra hug and you let us know. I know we are all sad without you this Holiday. I can't help but think what should have been. I love you Baby Girl!

miscarriage

I feel so sad today I found out was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in a few hours. We weren't even trying and we didn't even know we were pregnant. We weren't planning on having anymore babies. But if I only new I would of took my medicine I need to take when we are trying. I know we would would of been happy and surprised if it went good. I just don't understand why this is happening to our family one bad thing after another. Is this suppose to make us stronger well it's not. I feel more depressed and at such a loss. God please we can't take any more. I just sit here and cry. no more! I'm empty inside......

Thanksgiving

I am truely blessed! I have the best family and friends. I have a beautiful little girl. A nice house and things. I have a lot to be thankful but in my heart I feel a little bitter that your not here. I miss you so much today. although I am blessed and thankful I will always be missing that one peice that makes everything complete. That one peice that fills my heart with so much happiness I feel like it could burst at any moment. I realize I will always think of you and miss you and always be a little less complete.

Happy Thanksgiving baby girl. We all love you and miss you very much. As I promised you the last time I held you I will always carry you will me in my heart.

Christmas

Heather I was feeling the same way sad because when we were both pregnant we all talked about Christmas time. And how many kids this year to buy for and opening gifts around the tree. It is so hard because in the back of my mind I want so much to buy for Addilynn. I know this year has been the hardest on me I noticed I have become more protective of both Benjamin and Claire. I still can't sleep at night and I'm always checking on her to make sure she is still breathing. I don't like that fear it could happen and it did happen to us so close to us. I am always asking why God did this happen? It effected all of us. I want so much for Claire to be 1years old then maybe it wouldn't be me living in fear every night. I know we wanted Claire and Addilynn to be best buddies. In my mind I think about how it could of been and it will never be. I miss you Addilynn.

The holidays

Even though we are just beginning the season I am feeling very down about it. I hear the Christmas songs and they make me sad. This should be your first Christmas. I should be buying presents for two kids not just one. I should be buying you a holiday dress. Last year it was almost time for you to be born and I was looking forward to your arrival. We all talked about how many kids there would be by next Christmas. Everyone kept saying that in both families. Now we are celebrating Christmas with one less. Then I am reminded of your birthday and I am not sure how I will make it through the day I should have been celebrating your very first birthday. I wanted all of this so much and this time of year is just reminding me of how much I am missing. I miss you everyday regardless of the holidays but this just seems to magnify that. I think one of the hardest things about this is that I don't know how to respond to people. What do I say when they say how many children do you have? I don't want to make an awkward situation. I am still very blessed and am never ungrateful just sad. I want so badly to hold you some days it just rips my heart open.

Blah blah

Sometimes I don't write often because I feel it is the same thing over and over. Blah blah I miss you. Of course I miss you and that will never change. I am still thinking of what I would be doing if you were here. I am still missing you everyday. I still wish things weren't as they are. But all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. I still think of the night you left us over and over. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to change the outcome of that morning. It is still hard to beleive that hours before your death you were smiling and cooing. It is hard to beleive that was the last time i would ever hold you again. I search for signs from you. I don't know how to feel half the time but I can say the pain of your death is not at the forfront anymore. I can't say it hurts less but its not my focus. It will always hurt and I will always miss you. Not much has really changed except I guess accepted it because I have to. Miss you and love you always baby girl...

ps. God please give Addilynn a kiss and a hug for me

Death

Death is the most concrete word there is. You are either dead or alive. However, it can sometimes be the most difficult to accept and understand. So hard to understand when someone dies suddenly. The question of why just circles your mind. When someone who was healthy gets a fatal diagnosis. When there is an accident and most of all when someone just dies. I don't really understand why babies of all people just all of a sudden die. There has to be a reason. Why does this happen? What can we do to stop it? Almost every other kind of death there is a way to prevent it. Of course there are still freak accidents. Is SIDS just some sort of freak accident? So many people assume that the baby was sick in some way. When I say it was SIDS they just say how sorry they are. Then I don't know how to respond. SIDS is something no one really knows that much about yet nothing can be done to find out. There are so many theories as to why it might happen in babies. Some people even say that their are possible neurological problems which I don't believe. I think that is just a theory. How can you have neurological problems but not a single symptom except you up and die. What if it is sleep apnea? I think that maybe they should do sleep studies on babies. It painless and harmless to the baby itself and the end result of course is not death. They could see if that is a possible connection. I just don't understand I guess why there is no information on this type of death except sorry your baby was healthy but she just stopped breathing. Why can't they do more? Why are they coming up empty. if death is so concrete then why can't there be a concrete reason?