same ol same ol

I don't know where I am anymore. I feel like I should be further in the grief process or like I shouldn't miss you so much now. I feel like its been four long long months and I shouldn't think about you every second still. There are times when I am happy and excited about things but in the background I still feel sad. I still ache for you. I wish you were here more than anything almost everyday. I wish somehow I could go back in time and prevent it. I know they say when its your time its your time but still I wish I could. There are still days where I cry and cry. I just miss you and sometimes I think what else is there to say. I try to reason as to why it was your time. I try to understand and forgive. Even though I know there is no answer that I will know in my lifetime. I wonder if there is something I missed or some peice of information I didn't think of. Yet I know thier will be no answer that I find I still search. Then I search for peices of you left behind. I smell your clothes even though the smell has begun to fade. I look at your sweet face in pictures even though there will be no more pictures of you. I hold your blanket in my arms and put it up to my face and then to my heart. I search for signs...I search for you...I miss you.

The things that are still difficult....(the 25th)

It has been four months since I have seen you and held you in my arms. Four months since I kissed you goodnight. Someday it will be four heartbreaking years. There are still many things that are difficult. I still have a hard time turning out the kitchen light because I used to leave it on to make you a bottle in the night. I can not sleep in the dark because I am afraid something will happen and I won't see it. I can not sleep with out you next to me. The sight of the television shows that were on that night as I heard you cry for the last time makes me sick. I can not be in a room with another baby for a long time because the ache for you becomes stronger. I can't look at another baby without comparing them to you. When I walk upstairs I see your crib which I can not bring myself to take down. I can still see you there talking to your mobile and crying when it turns off. I can't drive in the direction of your grave without stopping in to say hi. I can not take your sticker off the back of the car because you are still a part of our family. I can not yet look at your face on a daily basis. The heartache would be too great and my arms would feel how empty they are. I can not erase your pictures off the camera because then I would feel like you were never really here. I can't go to the same doctor you went too because I used to take you there. I remember all the memories of you but wish there were more. I savored the times you feel a sleep on me after I fed you. I would hold you a little longer and kiss your head. It may have been 3 am but I knew these times would not last forever. I remember your first shots how you cried but the second I scooped you up you stopped. I have to believe that it was because I was picking you up and you knew me as mommy. I remember your sweet gummy smile. I remember after you were born and how I had you all to myself and I would sing to you the same song I sang to Gabby. I will forever ache for you and hold you in my heart.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

A Family

As a single mom of two, there's one thing that would make me completely content with life at this point. I want the night to come that I tuck in my girls, and they're both able to say "Goodnight Mom and Dad". The day to come when they say to their friends "oh yeah, my parents will be there". I want so bad for them to have a Dad. For us to have a family. It has nothing to do with marraige, love, or money. I know love between a man and woman is the biggest thing, but if my girls could call someone Dad, and that man could smile at the word, that would mean more than love to me. Maybe I watch too many "chick flicks" or listen to too much country music. I always thought it was so simple and logical...

Missing you

I am just missing you today...I can't stop the tears from coming some days. I go to visit my mom in the same hospital we went with you for the last time. I think I wonder if they know about you when I look around to the staff. I don't think it's that often that they have that happen. I wonder if I mention it they will know. I see the balloons and flowers leaving with the new dads that say it's a girl and I remember when you were born. I miss you and still can't believe at times that this is what has happened. The question of why never leaves my mind. Some days the tears just roll down my face in an endless stream and onto my heart where you are. I hope you only feel the love I have for you and not the sadness that I feel when I ache for you. I hope you can feel how much we love you and I hope you felt that while we held you in our arms. I hope you knew how much we wanted you. I wish you were here.

Birth Certificate

We got the birth certificate for Addilynn today. My husband needed it for some insurance stuff so he called yesterday and explained we never got it. She said you must have and what not..anyway he ends up saying well we never got and she died. So she finally says I will send that right out to you. So it comes today and on it, it says certificate of live birth, DECEASED!!! I called and said is it supposed to say that cause she didn't die at birth. She said yes the state requires that we stamp it deceased. I was so upset..I will never have a regular one just one stamped with DECEASED...if they would have sent it out when they were supposed too, then we would have a normal one. I want a normal one that I can keep not one that said she died. I think I am well aware of that. There has got to be someone else I can talk to or ask about it. It seems to be the same lady who answers the phone. I just want a normal one...

The results are in...

The results are in and I don't feel any better...It's the answer I didn't want. They are calling it Sudden Infant Unexplained Death...The only reason it isn't being called SIDS is because she was in Jack's lap when she died. Everything she found was consistent with SIDS..I don't feel better because that is not a reason. There is no one to be angry with. Our baby was perfect except she died. How unfair is that? All this time, all this waiting and nothing. There is no reason. No abnormalities, no defects, no virus, no disease...just perfect. So there is nothing no one could have done to prevent it. Does that make me feel better...not really. I am angry there is no real answer. I did everything right and still my baby died. I tried to be the best mommy and it didn't matter. I feel like there are a lot of people out there that do horrible things to their babies. Like somehow their infant ingested cocaine...what the heck? That woman gets to keep her child..How is that fair? Some people have babies that aren't wanted and they live. Why can't I have mine? Why wasn't I allowed to have her? I guess that night it was her time..The angel came and took her hand. She didn't suffer and there was nothing we could do to keep her here. She went to a place without pain, or sadness. Can I blame her, of course not. I just wish she had more time here on earth. More time so I could see her roll over, sit up, go to school and everything else that we hold precious with our children. I never thought it would happen to me. I knew about SIDS and I took the precautions they suggested but she still died. I just am not sure yet how I feel about this. I think it has to take time to sink in. I have so many emotions. I feel angry and sad. I always knew SIDS was a possibility of the "reason" why but I was hoping they would say something else. I don't even know if that would have helped because then I would have blamed the doctors or myself for not recognizing it. Maybe this is the best answer but it is an answer I don't understand. No one can say for sure what causes SIDS, it just happens. One second you are enjoying your baby and the next they are gone. It's every one's worst nightmare. It leaves you wondering why my baby? I don't know why and I will spend the rest of my days here trying to rationalize why. I spend everyday loving the child I will never hold again and missing her. I spend my days wishing this isn't happening. I spend my days trying to figure out who I am without her. I spend my days without you...sad and brokenhearted.

Addilynn Rose

In Memory Of Addilynn Rose

By Aunt Holly

Addilynn Rose

Addilynn your like a Rose in the Spring

God planted a seedling

Smelling oh so sweet

Each petal made unique

Your like a flower in the wind

A treasure indeed, this flower, the rose

With beauty abounding, as everyone knows

So, I'll possess it and press it as the moment itself,

Keeping it forever present,

Retaining all that was felt.

And although it lies in repose, I'll always remember

This flower, the Rose.