Thankful Thursday

Today this mom is thankful for...

• My son who makes me smile and reminds me what is important in life.


• Chocolate (yes, a recurring theme in my "Thankful Thursday" posts)


• My amazing friends


• The feel of Fall in the air


• Memories, clear as day...

Some things I can't give up

While it seems like so much time has gone by there are some things I can not give up. I still leave the kitchen light on. I left it on every night you were born in case I had to make a bottle for you in the middle of the night. I still leave it on. Maybe I do it so you know if you need me I am still here. I know you need nothing and you are happy but I can't give it up. The things in your drawer no longer smell like you . They smell like the drawer but it doesn't matter sometimes I still need them. I can no longer hold you but I can hold the clothes you last wore. I still can't let the nightmare that haunts my night time go. I still see you being carried into my room and I hear the words that were spoken. I know you are happy but I can't let go of my own selfish desires to have you here. There are times even now that I still can't believe all of this has happened. I wonder what you would look like if you were here. Would you have those big brown eyes still? Would you have said mama or daddy first? I know that as time goes on my heart will heal but my heart will also never let you go. I will always hold you in my heart. I remember as a tears streamed down my cheeks and I whispered my last words. I wonder what my actual last words were to you alive. Did I kiss you goodnight? Did I tell you I loved you? Do you know how much I love you? These questions still haunt me. There is one thing I never stop wishing for and that is to hold you again. I know that would only leaving me wishing for more.

The baby news

Well I went for another sonogram at a different place. This time they found the baby but no heartbeat this time. The baby has died. It it a very strange feeling knowing there is a baby in me that I'll never see. I guess it was better that it happened early. Then have a baby with a lot of problems. Like I keep telling myself thank God I have 2 healthy beautiful children. It doesn't make it any easier but I love the family I do have.

good and bad

I'll start out with the bad news I found out I was prego then saw the baby on the sono. Then the next week had another sono then nothing no baby. It just never developed.
Then there's the good news my dh is opening up a gallery/retail store downtown on Elmwood. He is starting to get it ready. Wish us the best.
You know I am thankful for what I have now 2 beautiful healthy children.

Still missing you

I never have a day where I don't think of you and tell you I love you. I am your mother and will always think of you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I woke up to the sound of your cry and there you were. I was at the store today and I was standing right next to the little girls section and there was this pretty pink and brown dress. I dunno why but I picked it up. It immediatly brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had two girls to buy clothes for. I wish I could see you in that dress and know what you would look like. Although I am sure there would be days I would loose my mind because I was shopping with both of you, I only wish that were my life. What I wouldn't give to be shopping for something and be annoyed cause my girls were acting up. What I wouldn't give to just use the term, my girls. I know that we all miss you. I will always feel like my family is not complete. I miss you baby girl!

As the sun sets think about your day!

As the sun goes down think about the day you had. Was it extraordinary? Was it the same ol thing just another day? Think about if when you child went to sleep tonight it would be the last time you would ever see them alive. Would you remember every detail of your day? Would you tell them over and over you loved them? What would you change about your day? Would you try to stop it? I think about the day I last spent with Addie. It was a Thursday. I got up fed her and took and we took Gabby to school. It was a warm day and we didn't need jackets. I took her to the gym with me and she slept almost all morning which was unusual but I thought wow time to myself. If I had known I would have held her while she slept. I would have held her all day and told her over and over I loved her. I would have savored every moment. She woke up and I fed her then soon after we went to pick up Gabby. I got everyone in the car when I discovered Gabby had left her blankie in the school. So I picked the baby up outta her car seat and angrily dragged the kids back in the school. I remember some girls say aww at Addie. I think she was awake I am not sure. Then I probably made dinner and I wasn't feeling well. I remember most of all the last few minutes I last spent with her. We were on the couch and my mom came over cause I didn't feel great and jack wasn't home. I was reading books to them then my mom was reading some. We were doing so big with Addie. She was happy. Then jack called and he came home and I went up to bed with Gabby. I am not sure I kissed her goodnight. I just know I was relieved when he got there. I remember laying in bed watching greys. Then about halfway through I turned it off. Jack had brought the baby upstairs to rock her and she was crying and I remember being annoyed. Then he came back down to make her a bottle and I still heard her cry but I fell a sleep. Then I was awoke by the most horrible words I ever heard. Jack was screaming my name and saying she wasn't breathing. I remember the rest all too well. It's not something I am ready to write in words yet. It's not something I want to read over and over. It already plays out in my head far to many times than I care to admit. Almost a year later and I still over analyze it over and over. It's probably not healthy but I wonder what could have been missed. Will I always wonder? probably. I wonder when this will stop consuming my thoughts? I wonder when it will not be in the back of my mind every second of the day? I wonder so many things some have answers and some there will never be an answer.

Almost a year without you!

I am told not to mark this day. Don't go to the cemetery, don't grieve, don't make it more difficult than it already is. Treat this day as any other. Once I have decided to do this I feel relieved. I feel a sense of yeah its coming up and yeah it doesn't change anything. Some good things have happened as a result of your death. I will not let your passing just fade away. I will not let your memory fade and I certainly won't forget or let anyone else forget. We were all robbed of knowing you but we will not be robbed of you. Every time I feel you have left me I am reminded you have not. I have learned so much about myself this last year. I have learned my faith is strong but I am still angry. No matter what good comes from your death I still don't see your life as collateral for these great things that have happened. I know that some things in life we don't get an answer because it is not one we can understand. I have learned the kindness of other people and that when you need it most they do come through. I have learned to pull strength from God's comfort even though I am mad at him and wonder where he was? Some say he was there. I prefer to think maybe he was taking a nap. I fear that if I don't my anger will grow. I look at pictures of you often and remember how it was to hold you. I leave the kitchen light on because I always did in case you needed a bottle at night. I can't bring myself to turn it off. I sleep with your pink bunny you got for Easter in hopes you will visit me in my sleep. As I go to sleep I am reminded every night how you are not here. I look into the empty crib the only reminder of your recent presence and I turn out the light as if it were symbolic. Night time still seems to be the worst time. It is the time of day that my thoughts are left to myself. I lay still trying to shut my thoughts off. Then I remember how long ago it seems that you slept next to me. I remember rocking you in the chair as I am wearing the same jammies I wore then. I feel the need to touch the spot where you head lay as if it was just there. The last time I held you always works its way into my mind and then the other horrible burned in memories flood my mind. The warm tears slide down my cheeks and onto my pillow. I lay awake in silence soaking my pillow. I finally give in to something to help and slip into a restless night of sleep only hoping that one of my dreams is of you. Goodnight my sweet baby!