How did this happen?

So what do you do when you put your life on hold for your family and then you wake up one day and want it back? For the last six plus years I have been a mom and wife. There have been ups and downs but everyday when I woke up I knew it was what I wanted to do. I had the support of my husband. He would work and I would stay home with the children and be a mom and a wife. Take care of the house, take care of our lives and be happy.

Well, I woke up today and wouldn't get out of bed. I looked at my house with clothes everywhere and piles of debris that are remnants of my past few years. Where did I lose control? How did my house end up like this, how did my life end up in similar piles of debris? Why did this happen to me again? I swore after I moved out of my parents house no one would have that kind of control over my life again. I wouldn't be another victim. No one would make me feel worthless on a daily basis again.

It took me a long time to let down my shields to let someone into my life that closely and I did. I fell in love, got married, had my family. I was what I always wanted to be a wife and mommy. Sue it would have been nice for me to work, to get the extra money but my hubby and I agreed I would stay home save on the daycare cost and I tried to do it all.

I always put the kids before cleaning. I never let it get this bad before though. I don't know how to start organizing or cleaning my house and the same goes for my life. So I sit on my bed and look at the piles of everything all over. How did it get so bad? How did I let my husband push me into the wall in front of my son and spit in my face? Why didn't I just walk away then?

I am afraid to walk away. I said for better or worse. Do I even remember the better? Why can't I take that last step? I am afraid I'll lose the kids. I am afraid of leaving him alone with the kids. Will he hurt them? I don't think so physically, but he can be so mean when he talks to them, or rather yells at them. Then I see the man I married playing with the kids with a smile on his face and I want to believe he can stay that way.

My therapist and I agree that there is something else there, be it Asperger's like my son or something similar. He was never treated and he won't seek help now. He refuses to work with me to fix our marriage because he believes it will either work out or it won't, There is no effort from him to keep me. He makes to effort to bring me back.

So I sit on my bed watching the spare TV, typing on my laptop and crying. I think I don't want to fix up. I think I give up. I feel wrong for giving up. I feel like I failed. I feel like I am about to lose everything.

My house is a wreck, my life is a wreck and I want to fix it, Why can't I?

so many questions lately?

Did that hat they put on you at the hospital get buried with you? That one has really been bothering me. I guess I didn't take it off cause I was in such shock! For some reason I thought it might make you warmer to the touch. It never occurred to me that it would get buried. Sometimes I wish I had seen you one last time besides in the hospital. Then I think it would not have been a good idea since your dead face is stuck enough in my head. Just like the last moments I had with you that dreadful morning. The moment I realized you would never be 4 months, 5 months or even a year. You are forever a baby in my mind.

I can't help but wonder if you do live on in another baby/child. Did your life save another? I some ways I feel like if it did not only does that baby get a piece of your heart but a piece if mine. I don't believe that your purpose in life was to save other babies. I don't know I just think there has to be another reason. Another really good reason for putting a family through such pain. For breaking a mother's heart. For leaving a father feeling guilty for the rest of his life, even though he is faultless. For leaving a sister lonely. Such a huge sacrifice for another. If that is the purpose then you truly are an angel.

More than anything I wish the impossible. I wish that you never left us. I wish I knew what it was like to be a mother of a one year old and a 5 year old. I wish I didn't know what it was like to loose a child. I wish that my worst fear didn't happen. I wish for more time with you. I wish I could kiss your head and hold you. I wish....

Missing you so deeply

It is almost your angel day and everyday I spend I realize how short of a time we had with you. I miss you even more. Next week will be the anniversary of your first smile. We were just about to leave for Gabby's birthday party and you looked at me and smiled. No one else saw it but me. It was so sweet! I spent the next few days trying to make you smile again. Most of the time you just starred into my face studying it. I loved looking into those big brown eyes. Sometimes I feel bad because you often cried nightly. I know you were loved but you spent most of your short time here unhappy. They say we only have a mcuh time here on earth and every life is predetermined. They also say that every life has a purpose. What was your purpose? Why did you only get so little time? I know these are questions I will never get answered till I meet you in heaven. 10 months since I last felt you in my arms and yet we are all still so very much broken hearted. I miss you sweet girl!

Happy Birthday, Addilynn Rose. I love you today, tomorrow, and always.

Tiny Angels
Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so"

.Author Unknown

Jan 15th

Thursday, January 15th, 2009 is supposed to be Addilynn's first birthday. I don't know what to do. I am completely torn. I should be having a party and she should be eating her first cake all by herself. Instead none of that will ever happen. She will never get to celebrate one or any birthdays. We will never buy her presents. It's not just another day but its not like we knew her so well we can go out and do her favorite thing or eat her favorite foods. I will never know any of those things about my daughter. I feel like her birthday is just a big fat reminder of the things I will never do and of the joy I used to have. My mom wants to release happy birthday balloons into the sky. My husband wants to drop flowers off at her grave. Part of me wants to just hibernate and wake up the 16th. I can't think about it without tearing up. I also think that now I have to go through another new phase. Now I have to relive the days Addilynn did live but with out her. Even though it is only January I am dreading her death date. Just like I never wanted that day to happen I more than anything wish it would forever be gone. As if I don't relive that day over and over enough. I think about it so often I start to second guess everything. I wonder why I wasn't allowed an answer as to how or why. I wonder why it had to be SIDS. I will definitely visit her that day but still it doesn't actually help. I just know I should because I am her mommy. It just reminds me that is has been that long already. Sure I am living and sure I still have fun and enjoy things in life because I don't want to waste it but I always have sadness. A great big gaping hole of sadness. I know she is in a better place and will never experience heartache but she will also never experience the great things life has to offer. It's not always a bowl of sunshine but there are many good things. I miss you so much Addilynn, we all do.

Its a new year

It is a new year and I have mixed feelings. Not that I can control how slow or fast the days pass. I can't control too many aspects of my life. It is not in my hands. I wonder if your heart valves have yet saved a life or when they will. I wonder when you will live on in the heart of another baby and save their parents from the heartache we feel everyday. That was an easy question...I knew I had to let you live on and prevent this kind of heartache from others. I feel sad that you will never live in 2009 I will never hold you in 2009. Part of me feels like I have left 2008 behind and I have to leave you behind. I never will as your mother. I know I see you around me. You are the white rose that sticks out of the snow on Christmas day. You are the warm sun on my face that wakes me up in the morning. You are the warmth I feel on a cold winter night. You are forever with me in my heart just not in my arms. I will never again get to kiss your sweet soft cheek. 2008 brings mixed feelings because it was the year we said hello and goodbye to you all at once. It was the year that started out to be the best year I had yet to have once to blow up and crash and burn in the spring. The year I am forever changed and the year that made me a different person. A year that made one single event define who I am .

Gabby's broken heart

There is nothing worse than seeing your child legitimately heartbroken. My MIL gave us an ornament that said Merry Christmas from heaven. Gabby knows what it said and has been either picking up on our heightened sadness or is sad also. I am not sure she always seems to know when I am missing her. So she asked us if Santa delivered presents to Heaven. She was so concerned that Addilynn would not get any presents. It just breaks my heart when she misses her. I know that we miss her and really I have come to realize that my heart will always be a little bit busted. But she is my baby and I wish I could protect her from this heartache. She then proceeded to sing a song about her and saying how she misses her and she was her only sister and now she is alone. :( She then went on to sing how she will miss Christmas and the presents and that again she misses her and that she is in Heaven. I also know tonight that as I left the house and let my tears flow. I don't like to cry in front of her all the time I want her to be happy. I know you sent me signs saying you still were here. I don't know how I could ignore them. The most obvious was when I went to go get into the car and where I didn't see it before was the green pacifier that we used with you just sitting there. I sometimes feels as if you are always around and you know we need that extra hug and you let us know. I know we are all sad without you this Holiday. I can't help but think what should have been. I love you Baby Girl!