my heart is broken again!

The video of Addilynn is gone. It's all I had. It has her growth and memories on it. It had the day she was born and four days before she passed away. It was the single most precious thing I had left of her. I looked forward to the day I could bring myself to watch it again. Now I cry like I did the day she left us. It is almost as if she is leaving me again. I am angry with God. I feel like he is taking everything I have. Why is he allowing this to happen? How could he let this happen? Why can't I at least have that? It's not fair. I feel like I have seen it ten times in the last month not knowing that it was that tape. What if I threw it out by accident. I told gabby to never ever touch this tape and I put it up high. The only way she could get to it is if she stood on the table. I found the case with a bead and a yellow jewel in it so I know it was her. My heart breaks because now I can't even see her alive. I will never see that again. I will never see her smile at me. I will never see her cry or hear her cry again. I don't get to hear her voice ever again...can I live without that? my heart breaks again for the second time.

My snuggler

Today I am in a sad mood and I can't seem to get out of it. I guess it's to be expected but doesn't mean I have to like it. I am just missing her. I am missing her cry. We were in the store today and there was a newborn baby crying and Gabby said, "doesn't that sound like Addilynn?" I said, "yes it does". It made me miss her more. I felt like running to that woman and telling her how lucky she was and making sure she knew it or telling her my baby died. Of course that would make me just seem nuts. Some days there is nothing I can do to stuff my sadness away. I try but it sneaks up on me. I am missing her tiny hand holding my hand. Every single time I fed her she would hold my hand. Her tiny warm hand would wrap around my fingers and it would just fill my heart. When I held her after her bottle she would rub her face on my shirt and I would rub her head on my cheek. I miss that so much. Some days its so sad and unbearable and I want to cry every five seconds. Sometimes I am afraid that I will forget her. I remember holding her that last time. I remember the tear drops rolling down my cheek onto the blanket they wrapped her in. Even though it was a stupid thought I hoped that somehow my tear of sadness and love would fix her. It didn't and more tears rolled onto her blanket and were soaked up. I whispered in her ear mommy will always love you and I will always keep you in my heart. I rubbed her face for the last time.

The dresser drawer

There it sits the drawer that is never opened. It has the only items left of Addilynn. Those are the most special things. The things that smell like her. Her bedsheets, clothes, spit rags...and hat. They all lay there in bags. All I have left are Ziploc bags of clothes. I no longer have my sweet baby to kiss and hold. I can't rub my face against her fuzzy head like I used too. I miss that everyday. I can't sniff her up after her bath because she smells so fresh and baby like. The only thing I can so is hold her clothes to my chest and pretend I am holding her. Then I smell them and remember her and wish she were here all the more. It doesn't help to have these things but it helps to have a piece of her. I have some of her hair but I have not been able to look at it. They also made us a foot print which I haven't seen since that day either. All of her baby things besides those I specifically requested are not here. I can't see them. right now my baby should be swinging in her swing or sleeping in her crib. Instead her sheets have been taken away and crib remains empty like the hole she has left behind. I walk upstairs and I still can picture her there. I can hear her tiny cry wanting a bottle or attention. I walk past the drawer and it remains closed. I walk past the rocking chair and it is vacant. I get into bed and look to where her bassinet was and say goodnight to her. Then my only prayer is that I will dream about her. That maybe in my dream I can hold her, smell her, hug her, and kiss her. Goodnight sweet baby girl, my perfect rose.

Should we try for another?

I wanted badly for Gabby to have a sibling. I have several and couldn't imagine life without them. I just want to make sure she has someone close besides me and jack to count on. I don't know if I can go through it all again. I am not a happy pregnant person. I am afraid of labor. I didn't have a good experience at all with Addilynn. I know it will all be worth it again. I want to have that joy again that a new baby brings. I wanted Addilynn so much. All my plans along with my heart were just shattered. I feel like my heart is like a glass window pain and it was smashed with a mallot. At that moment you could see my heart shatter and fall to the ground in tiny peices that even if put back together it will never be the same. As everyday goes by I try to pick the peices up but I can't find every last shard. It will never be whole again. I loved her so much and of course I still do. I don't know if I have another one how that will feel when I see that face that looks like hers. Gabby and Addilynn looked so much a like that sometimes looking at baby pictures of Gabby is hard. Will I be able to get close to the baby? I don't know how I will ever sleep with the a new baby in the house. How do I not worry that the same thing will happen again? How do I not feel like the second I close my eyes will be the last time I see my baby? How do I not fear it? No one ever thinks it will actually happen to them....but it did happen to me. My worst fear came true. I held my limp baby in my arms and couldn't even grasp what was actually happening but I knew she was gone. I tried to save her but it had no effect. How do I not see that scene in my head every night when I put my new baby to bed or in for a nap? Then the other question is,what if we don't have another, will I be happy only having one?

In a bad mood today

I know my problems are minor (Heather, you're a tough act to follow)... but I'm just crabby today and thought I'd vent it out anyway.

I guess today I am frustrated because I have come to the realization that I've raised my kids to expect far too much. Thinking I am doing the right thing for them, I made sure that (at least Sara) was in some sort of structured social type thing since she was very young (never all at once, of course but...) - gymnastics, Girl Scouts, Swim Classes, Cheerleading and various things here and there... Now, when I want to try and do the same for Erin (like put her in gymnastics), Sara conveniently has forgotten about the 3 years she spent in gymnastics herself, the time I spend with her and her Brownie troop, not to mention the commitment we've made to cheerleading.

Every morning, they wake up asking "where are we going today".... it's expected, and when we do go someplace, they're complaining and asking about the next day. So frustrating.

So what do I do? Stop? Punish them by not letting them participate in sports or group activities? Take away all of their worldly goods and let them see what it's really like to 'want'? Remove myself from their organizations? Sometimes I wonder.

Today I feel like they are thankless brats, and I know it's horrible to say - I know they are good kids, but when they want more more more, it hurts my feelings, and just makes me feel like I can't do anything right.

{{sigh}}

Thanks for reading.

No results again!

It's another Monday and I call again. I ask if there are any results and when will they be sent out. Again they have no answers and I have no answers. The sad part is it's the only time I get to refer to her. I get to say her beautiful name but not to her. It's the name I never get to call out and she will answer. It's the name I loved from first sight but now I can barely speak it. I wanted to tell everyone what her name was and show her off. I didn't want to tell the medical examiner over and over. I didn't want to spell it for her grave stone. I thought she was so smart and adorable. Probably as every mother does. I knew what I had from the day she was born. I knew I was so blessed and for almost 4 months I lived in a world of bliss. Now I live in a state of limbo wondering what happened. How could she be cooing and smiling and then dead? How could she leave us without a goodbye or warning? I don't think she would have chosen it but I am sure the angel took her hand and she walked away with him. I remember so vividly how she was sitting in my lap that night in her little got milk Jammies and she was facing outward. I was thinking how big she had gotten and I was putting her arms up and saying so big. I just want to know why and sometimes I don't think I will ever get an answer. I wonder if my instincts were right...was something wrong? That whole week before I said to everyone I don't know what's wrong with her but something is off. I took her to the doctor and nothing stood out. There was nothing that whole week that screamed take me to the hospital. When will I know? Will it help? Will I feel resolution? will it make it worse, if that's possible? I have no choice but to sit and wait and whisper her name in hopes that she hears me. I whisper I love you, Addilynn Rose. I whisper I miss you.

What should have been

It's been a very long hard road and still I see a long road ahead before my broken heart begins to mend. I still feel very broken and lost. I am not sure of who I am now. I am not the same nor will I ever be the same. I have lost some of my carefreeness (is that a word?). I have gained new anxiety and a great sadness that looms over my days. Summer has been hard because every where I turn there are cute babies and I think of mine. I think of how she should have been right here with me. last summer I kept thinking next year at the fair I will have the baby and next year at the picinic I will be showing off my baby. Instead I get the dreaded question of how are you doing? and those looks of sadness and awkward niceness. I wonder if people are analyzing me and saying things. she looks thin, or fat or tired or sad. I wonder what they think even though I don't care. They will never be in my position. I wish she was here every second of the day and wonder what I would be doing if she was. I wonder if she would like her cereal or what fruits and veggies she would like. I wonder if she would eat her toes because she ate her hands. I wonder how big she would be and if she would light up when I walked in the room. I found her tiny sock in my dresser drawer today. I smelled it and remembered her again for the 80th time today. I remember her every second of the day and wish this wasnt my reality. It is and somehow I get through the day.