wnymommies

two years later...and still not a day goes by

2010-06-17T16:21:00.002-04:00

It's been two years already and still not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wonder what you would look like now and how different my life would be if you were still here. I think of you daily and that need to hold you is still there. Those unanswered questions still loom. There are times when I feel the lose of you more than others. I always feel it. I always feel a little less than full and complete and happy. I watch Gabriella grow up and it is so bitter sweet. I will never see you do the things she is doing. I will always feel slated and robbed of this. I see the families that are bigger than one child and wonder if they know how blessed they are. I know I am blessed with Gabriella and you but I still long to have you here with us. I know you are in an awesome place but sometimes that really isn't soothing to me. Maybe that is selfish of me to want you here with us. You will never have to feel the pain we do and I am grateful for that. I will always miss you. The smell of you ..the feel of you...the sound of you... I love you, Addie!

Mother's Day

2010-05-06T21:57:00.002-04:00

I have been emotional about Mother's Day coming up. Not for me being a mom but for my mom not being here with me. I know she is probably looking down from Haven. I try and think of good things we did on Mother's Day but it only ends up in tears. Sometimes I see myself doing or saying things my mom did with me I do with my own children. I ended up buying myself a gift in memory of my mom. It's a heart locket engraved on the front "Loved ones may leave you but memories remain in our hearts" and on the back it has her name and date she passed away. Then inside I'm going to put a picture of her in it. Then she will always be close to my heart. I Love You Mom and miss you deeply.

Sugar Snow and the Forgetful Tooth Fairy

2010-03-28T01:55:00.005-04:00

I have been reading from the "My First Little House Books" for the last month to my children at bedtime. I wanted to introduce them to Little House on the Prairie and the main books were still too much for them. These books were full of brilliant illustrations and really engaged my children. I didn't know how much until I read the book titled "Sugar Snow". Patrick focused right on that book and had me read it over an over again.

The book was about making Maple Syrup from sap. Immediately Patrick wanted to tap the maple tree in our backyard and make our own syrup. To get him off that track I started looking for places near us to go and see how it was done. Serendipity was with me and one of the moms in my mommy group posted about the Maple Weekend at the end of the month. It took some time and help from friends but I managed to find a maple farm relatively close to us.

This weekend was the when we decided to go, the morning started out a bit rocky though. Worse it was my fault. Patrick lost a tooth yesterday and was so excited about the imminent Tooth Fairy visit. He put his tooth under his pillow and went to sleep with dreams of money in his head. He woke up from a bad dream and came into my room, he brought the tooth with him and put it under my pillow. I went to sleep and so did he, I never, opps I mean the tooth fairy never came.

He woke up and eagerly reached under his pillow expecting a dollar, he found his tooth still in the box he put it in. He sadly woke me up and had such a sad face and voice. "Mommy, why didn't the Tooth Fairy take my tooth. He was in tears. I asked if he checked in his room, and he ran into his room to check. I quickly put the money under the pillow hoping that if I tucked it in the corner maybe I could fix it.

He came back in my room so sad. I felt like the worse mommy ever. How could I forget to make the switch? I had completely blown it, I forgot about the missing tooth and broke my son's heart. I asked him to show me how he looked under the pillow and he showed me, but he didn't see the now present money under the pillow. I had to direct him to it. Now I had to think of a reason to explain why he still had the tooth. That actually wasn't even a concern for him after he was the dollar I had just hidden there.

He came up with several theory's about why he still had the tooth. I loved hearing him tell us all about it. The one he has latched onto is she forgot it and will back tonight get it and will of course leave him some more money. I think that might just happen, An extra dollar from the Tooth Fairy seems like a fair price to pay for being such a forgetful mommy.

So the morning was not the best start. Then the day didn't get much better. I couldn't find our camera, so I had to borrow my mom's camera. The directions I wrote down to get to the maple farm were wrong and we drove around for such a long time. Worse we were heading the right way by accident and I said we should turn around because my directions said something different. Finally we sucked it up and called the farm for directions.

We managed to get there before they shut down for the day. We met a turkey, and the kids got to pet him. They were surprised at how soft the feathers were. His head was a wrinkly and we touched it expecting it to be rough and cold, instead his head was soft and warm. Funny how you expect one thing from visual cues and prior knowledge and then it is so different from what you expect. I touched that poor turkeys head several times because it was so very different from what I expected. Patrick too was fascinated by the turkey, brianna however was afraid of it. I can understand that too. It was a big bird, and when he fluffed up his feather's he looked even bigger.

We took a tractor ride to see where they tapped the trees. I was expecting buckets and found out they use tubing conencted to many trees and the sap flows into large containers. This tubing can stay in place for ten years, they just hve to change where they tap the tree every year. We heard about how the weather has to be cold at night and not too warm during the day. This was also discussed in the book Patrick kept having me read over and over again. He even told the tractor driver all about the book.

Now Brianna loved the furry animals. She pet the bunnies, guinea pigs, llamas and of course the pony. She didn't want to ride the pony and we didn't make he, but she sure loved to pet that pony. She would have brought the pony home with us had we let her.

So even with a rocky start I think the day ended up pretty good. Patrick went right to bed as soon as we came home. That never happens. Usually he is in my room at leat ten times trying to stay up as long as he can.

The Three Little Pigs

2010-03-28T01:34:00.004-04:00

Last week my son was in a school play. He had joined an after school theater program. He was so excited when he came home from the first meeting. My son proudly announced to me that he was going to be in a school play in front of the whole school. Practice was once a week and finally one day a script came home. Patrick was playing Little Pig 1 in the Three Little Pigs.

The play was a bit different than the Three Little Pig story most of us know. The Big Bad Wolf in this story was trying to bake his grandma a cake and ran out of eggs. He went to the Little Pig's houses to borrow eggs. So basically it was a big misunderstanding. Patrick's character was a little on the lazy side, and just built his house out of sticks to save time. Hmmm.

Patrick and I practiced his lines every night. He knew them with no problems. I could feed him a line from anywhere in the play and he could recite his line from memory. I couldn't wait to see the play. I knew he would perform wonderfully. The day was getting closer and sadly I had a conflict.

I was asked to start observing in a classroom on the same morning as the play. I knew it would be bad form to call off for the first morning, even if it was to see my son perform in a play. I had to miss it. Luckily all his grandparents, Dennis and Brianna went to the first performance and Patrick was wonderful I hear.

All the characters read from the scripts, I was a little disappointed when I heard that. Why had we practiced for so long if they were going to use their scripts. In my heart I knew Patrick didn't need it, even if he used it. I heard from multiple sources that Patrick was loud enough for the audience to hear him with no problems. This made his grandparents very proud.

After the play he had a chance to mingle with the audience and he was thrilled to have so many family members there. My father shook his hand and told him that he was a wonderful actor.

It broke my heart that I couldn't be there to watch my son on stage. I am so proud of him.

Missing her

2010-02-25T18:39:00.004-05:00

It's hard lately because I really miss those phone calls from her and hearing her voice. Today I went to visit my dad and he seems fine in some sense but he tells me things that I know he misses her too. Sometimes I find myself talking to her about anything I'm thinking. I just miss those talks we use to have. I wish she lived longer than she did. I just wanted her to see her grandchildren grow and meet her newest grand baby. I Love You! I know you are in a better place and I want to believe you are looking over us.

My Mom

2010-02-08T16:46:00.002-05:00

It's been almost a month since my mothers death (Jan. 20, 2010). She is greatly missed. It is surreal when I walk into my parents house where I grew up. Everywhere I turn I expect to see my mom. When I'm sitting there I almost hear my mom say "Do you want something to eat or drink?" Even though she couldn't get out to visit family in the last 5 years she always kept contact by phone. I miss those calls to check on me and the family. It was very hard when it was 10 days later and we were celebrating my kids' birthday. I kept thinking she was going to be there at our house when we came back from Rollie Pollies. My mother-in-law was one of the last to leave the party and that was when it hit me. I broke down into tears and couldn't stop holding her and saying how much I miss my mom. Not a day goes by where she is in my thoughts. Every night before I go to sleep I tell her I miss and love her very much.

Thankful Thursday

2009-09-17T11:35:00.003-04:00

Today this mom is thankful for...

My son who makes me smile and reminds me what is important in life.

Chocolate (yes, a recurring theme in my "Thankful Thursday" posts)

My amazing friends

The feel of Fall in the air

Memories, clear as day...

Some things I can't give up

2009-08-23T23:08:00.002-04:00

While it seems like so much time has gone by there are some things I can not give up. I still leave the kitchen light on. I left it on every night you were born in case I had to make a bottle for you in the middle of the night. I still leave it on. Maybe I do it so you know if you need me I am still here. I know you need nothing and you are happy but I can't give it up. The things in your drawer no longer smell like you . They smell like the drawer but it doesn't matter sometimes I still need them. I can no longer hold you but I can hold the clothes you last wore. I still can't let the nightmare that haunts my night time go. I still see you being carried into my room and I hear the words that were spoken. I know you are happy but I can't let go of my own selfish desires to have you here. There are times even now that I still can't believe all of this has happened. I wonder what you would look like if you were here. Would you have those big brown eyes still? Would you have said mama or daddy first? I know that as time goes on my heart will heal but my heart will also never let you go. I will always hold you in my heart. I remember as a tears streamed down my cheeks and I whispered my last words. I wonder what my actual last words were to you alive. Did I kiss you goodnight? Did I tell you I loved you? Do you know how much I love you? These questions still haunt me. There is one thing I never stop wishing for and that is to hold you again. I know that would only leaving me wishing for more.

The baby news

2009-08-20T21:10:00.002-04:00

Well I went for another sonogram at a different place. This time they found the baby but no heartbeat this time. The baby has died. It it a very strange feeling knowing there is a baby in me that I'll never see. I guess it was better that it happened early. Then have a baby with a lot of problems. Like I keep telling myself thank God I have 2 healthy beautiful children. It doesn't make it any easier but I love the family I do have.

good and bad

2009-08-16T22:03:00.002-04:00

I'll start out with the bad news I found out I was prego then saw the baby on the sono. Then the next week had another sono then nothing no baby. It just never developed.
Then there's the good news my dh is opening up a gallery/retail store downtown on Elmwood. He is starting to get it ready. Wish us the best.
You know I am thankful for what I have now 2 beautiful healthy children.

Still missing you

2009-07-17T00:01:00.002-04:00

I never have a day where I don't think of you and tell you I love you. I am your mother and will always think of you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I woke up to the sound of your cry and there you were. I was at the store today and I was standing right next to the little girls section and there was this pretty pink and brown dress. I dunno why but I picked it up. It immediatly brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had two girls to buy clothes for. I wish I could see you in that dress and know what you would look like. Although I am sure there would be days I would loose my mind because I was shopping with both of you, I only wish that were my life. What I wouldn't give to be shopping for something and be annoyed cause my girls were acting up. What I wouldn't give to just use the term, my girls. I know that we all miss you. I will always feel like my family is not complete. I miss you baby girl!

As the sun sets think about your day!

2009-03-31T19:14:00.006-04:00

As the sun goes down think about the day you had. Was it extraordinary? Was it the same ol thing just another day? Think about if when you child went to sleep tonight it would be the last time you would ever see them alive. Would you remember every detail of your day? Would you tell them over and over you loved them? What would you change about your day? Would you try to stop it? I think about the day I last spent with Addie. It was a Thursday. I got up fed her and took and we took Gabby to school. It was a warm day and we didn't need jackets. I took her to the gym with me and she slept almost all morning which was unusual but I thought wow time to myself. If I had known I would have held her while she slept. I would have held her all day and told her over and over I loved her. I would have savored every moment. She woke up and I fed her then soon after we went to pick up Gabby. I got everyone in the car when I discovered Gabby had left her blankie in the school. So I picked the baby up outta her car seat and angrily dragged the kids back in the school. I remember some girls say aww at Addie. I think she was awake I am not sure. Then I probably made dinner and I wasn't feeling well. I remember most of all the last few minutes I last spent with her. We were on the couch and my mom came over cause I didn't feel great and jack wasn't home. I was reading books to them then my mom was reading some. We were doing so big with Addie. She was happy. Then jack called and he came home and I went up to bed with Gabby. I am not sure I kissed her goodnight. I just know I was relieved when he got there. I remember laying in bed watching greys. Then about halfway through I turned it off. Jack had brought the baby upstairs to rock her and she was crying and I remember being annoyed. Then he came back down to make her a bottle and I still heard her cry but I fell a sleep. Then I was awoke by the most horrible words I ever heard. Jack was screaming my name and saying she wasn't breathing. I remember the rest all too well. It's not something I am ready to write in words yet. It's not something I want to read over and over. It already plays out in my head far to many times than I care to admit. Almost a year later and I still over analyze it over and over. It's probably not healthy but I wonder what could have been missed. Will I always wonder? probably. I wonder when this will stop consuming my thoughts? I wonder when it will not be in the back of my mind every second of the day? I wonder so many things some have answers and some there will never be an answer.

Almost a year without you!

2009-03-22T13:41:00.004-04:00

I am told not to mark this day. Don't go to the cemetery, don't grieve, don't make it more difficult than it already is. Treat this day as any other. Once I have decided to do this I feel relieved. I feel a sense of yeah its coming up and yeah it doesn't change anything. Some good things have happened as a result of your death. I will not let your passing just fade away. I will not let your memory fade and I certainly won't forget or let anyone else forget. We were all robbed of knowing you but we will not be robbed of you. Every time I feel you have left me I am reminded you have not. I have learned so much about myself this last year. I have learned my faith is strong but I am still angry. No matter what good comes from your death I still don't see your life as collateral for these great things that have happened. I know that some things in life we don't get an answer because it is not one we can understand. I have learned the kindness of other people and that when you need it most they do come through. I have learned to pull strength from God's comfort even though I am mad at him and wonder where he was? Some say he was there. I prefer to think maybe he was taking a nap. I fear that if I don't my anger will grow. I look at pictures of you often and remember how it was to hold you. I leave the kitchen light on because I always did in case you needed a bottle at night. I can't bring myself to turn it off. I sleep with your pink bunny you got for Easter in hopes you will visit me in my sleep. As I go to sleep I am reminded every night how you are not here. I look into the empty crib the only reminder of your recent presence and I turn out the light as if it were symbolic. Night time still seems to be the worst time. It is the time of day that my thoughts are left to myself. I lay still trying to shut my thoughts off. Then I remember how long ago it seems that you slept next to me. I remember rocking you in the chair as I am wearing the same jammies I wore then. I feel the need to touch the spot where you head lay as if it was just there. The last time I held you always works its way into my mind and then the other horrible burned in memories flood my mind. The warm tears slide down my cheeks and onto my pillow. I lay awake in silence soaking my pillow. I finally give in to something to help and slip into a restless night of sleep only hoping that one of my dreams is of you. Goodnight my sweet baby!

How did this happen?

2009-03-17T23:10:00.002-04:00

So what do you do when you put your life on hold for your family and then you wake up one day and want it back? For the last six plus years I have been a mom and wife. There have been ups and downs but everyday when I woke up I knew it was what I wanted to do. I had the support of my husband. He would work and I would stay home with the children and be a mom and a wife. Take care of the house, take care of our lives and be happy.

Well, I woke up today and wouldn't get out of bed. I looked at my house with clothes everywhere and piles of debris that are remnants of my past few years. Where did I lose control? How did my house end up like this, how did my life end up in similar piles of debris? Why did this happen to me again? I swore after I moved out of my parents house no one would have that kind of control over my life again. I wouldn't be another victim. No one would make me feel worthless on a daily basis again.

It took me a long time to let down my shields to let someone into my life that closely and I did. I fell in love, got married, had my family. I was what I always wanted to be a wife and mommy. Sue it would have been nice for me to work, to get the extra money but my hubby and I agreed I would stay home save on the daycare cost and I tried to do it all.

I always put the kids before cleaning. I never let it get this bad before though. I don't know how to start organizing or cleaning my house and the same goes for my life. So I sit on my bed and look at the piles of everything all over. How did it get so bad? How did I let my husband push me into the wall in front of my son and spit in my face? Why didn't I just walk away then?

I am afraid to walk away. I said for better or worse. Do I even remember the better? Why can't I take that last step? I am afraid I'll lose the kids. I am afraid of leaving him alone with the kids. Will he hurt them? I don't think so physically, but he can be so mean when he talks to them, or rather yells at them. Then I see the man I married playing with the kids with a smile on his face and I want to believe he can stay that way.

My therapist and I agree that there is something else there, be it Asperger's like my son or something similar. He was never treated and he won't seek help now. He refuses to work with me to fix our marriage because he believes it will either work out or it won't, There is no effort from him to keep me. He makes to effort to bring me back.

So I sit on my bed watching the spare TV, typing on my laptop and crying. I think I don't want to fix up. I think I give up. I feel wrong for giving up. I feel like I failed. I feel like I am about to lose everything.

My house is a wreck, my life is a wreck and I want to fix it, Why can't I?

so many questions lately?

2009-02-20T13:08:00.004-05:00

Did that hat they put on you at the hospital get buried with you? That one has really been bothering me. I guess I didn't take it off cause I was in such shock! For some reason I thought it might make you warmer to the touch. It never occurred to me that it would get buried. Sometimes I wish I had seen you one last time besides in the hospital. Then I think it would not have been a good idea since your dead face is stuck enough in my head. Just like the last moments I had with you that dreadful morning. The moment I realized you would never be 4 months, 5 months or even a year. You are forever a baby in my mind.

I can't help but wonder if you do live on in another baby/child. Did your life save another? I some ways I feel like if it did not only does that baby get a piece of your heart but a piece if mine. I don't believe that your purpose in life was to save other babies. I don't know I just think there has to be another reason. Another really good reason for putting a family through such pain. For breaking a mother's heart. For leaving a father feeling guilty for the rest of his life, even though he is faultless. For leaving a sister lonely. Such a huge sacrifice for another. If that is the purpose then you truly are an angel.

More than anything I wish the impossible. I wish that you never left us. I wish I knew what it was like to be a mother of a one year old and a 5 year old. I wish I didn't know what it was like to loose a child. I wish that my worst fear didn't happen. I wish for more time with you. I wish I could kiss your head and hold you. I wish....

Missing you so deeply

2009-02-19T19:20:00.003-05:00

It is almost your angel day and everyday I spend I realize how short of a time we had with you. I miss you even more. Next week will be the anniversary of your first smile. We were just about to leave for Gabby's birthday party and you looked at me and smiled. No one else saw it but me. It was so sweet! I spent the next few days trying to make you smile again. Most of the time you just starred into my face studying it. I loved looking into those big brown eyes. Sometimes I feel bad because you often cried nightly. I know you were loved but you spent most of your short time here unhappy. They say we only have a mcuh time here on earth and every life is predetermined. They also say that every life has a purpose. What was your purpose? Why did you only get so little time? I know these are questions I will never get answered till I meet you in heaven. 10 months since I last felt you in my arms and yet we are all still so very much broken hearted. I miss you sweet girl!

Happy Birthday, Addilynn Rose. I love you today, tomorrow, and always.

2009-01-15T20:36:00.000-05:00

Tiny Angels
Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so"

.Author Unknown

Jan 15th

2009-01-10T11:44:00.002-05:00

Thursday, January 15th, 2009 is supposed to be Addilynn's first birthday. I don't know what to do. I am completely torn. I should be having a party and she should be eating her first cake all by herself. Instead none of that will ever happen. She will never get to celebrate one or any birthdays. We will never buy her presents. It's not just another day but its not like we knew her so well we can go out and do her favorite thing or eat her favorite foods. I will never know any of those things about my daughter. I feel like her birthday is just a big fat reminder of the things I will never do and of the joy I used to have. My mom wants to release happy birthday balloons into the sky. My husband wants to drop flowers off at her grave. Part of me wants to just hibernate and wake up the 16th. I can't think about it without tearing up. I also think that now I have to go through another new phase. Now I have to relive the days Addilynn did live but with out her. Even though it is only January I am dreading her death date. Just like I never wanted that day to happen I more than anything wish it would forever be gone. As if I don't relive that day over and over enough. I think about it so often I start to second guess everything. I wonder why I wasn't allowed an answer as to how or why. I wonder why it had to be SIDS. I will definitely visit her that day but still it doesn't actually help. I just know I should because I am her mommy. It just reminds me that is has been that long already. Sure I am living and sure I still have fun and enjoy things in life because I don't want to waste it but I always have sadness. A great big gaping hole of sadness. I know she is in a better place and will never experience heartache but she will also never experience the great things life has to offer. It's not always a bowl of sunshine but there are many good things. I miss you so much Addilynn, we all do.

Its a new year

2009-01-01T22:06:00.003-05:00

It is a new year and I have mixed feelings. Not that I can control how slow or fast the days pass. I can't control too many aspects of my life. It is not in my hands. I wonder if your heart valves have yet saved a life or when they will. I wonder when you will live on in the heart of another baby and save their parents from the heartache we feel everyday. That was an easy question...I knew I had to let you live on and prevent this kind of heartache from others. I feel sad that you will never live in 2009 I will never hold you in 2009. Part of me feels like I have left 2008 behind and I have to leave you behind. I never will as your mother. I know I see you around me. You are the white rose that sticks out of the snow on Christmas day. You are the warm sun on my face that wakes me up in the morning. You are the warmth I feel on a cold winter night. You are forever with me in my heart just not in my arms. I will never again get to kiss your sweet soft cheek. 2008 brings mixed feelings because it was the year we said hello and goodbye to you all at once. It was the year that started out to be the best year I had yet to have once to blow up and crash and burn in the spring. The year I am forever changed and the year that made me a different person. A year that made one single event define who I am .

Gabby's broken heart

2008-12-14T22:50:00.002-05:00

There is nothing worse than seeing your child legitimately heartbroken. My MIL gave us an ornament that said Merry Christmas from heaven. Gabby knows what it said and has been either picking up on our heightened sadness or is sad also. I am not sure she always seems to know when I am missing her. So she asked us if Santa delivered presents to Heaven. She was so concerned that Addilynn would not get any presents. It just breaks my heart when she misses her. I know that we miss her and really I have come to realize that my heart will always be a little bit busted. But she is my baby and I wish I could protect her from this heartache. She then proceeded to sing a song about her and saying how she misses her and she was her only sister and now she is alone. :( She then went on to sing how she will miss Christmas and the presents and that again she misses her and that she is in Heaven. I also know tonight that as I left the house and let my tears flow. I don't like to cry in front of her all the time I want her to be happy. I know you sent me signs saying you still were here. I don't know how I could ignore them. The most obvious was when I went to go get into the car and where I didn't see it before was the green pacifier that we used with you just sitting there. I sometimes feels as if you are always around and you know we need that extra hug and you let us know. I know we are all sad without you this Holiday. I can't help but think what should have been. I love you Baby Girl!

miscarriage

2008-11-28T23:27:00.002-05:00

I feel so sad today I found out was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in a few hours. We weren't even trying and we didn't even know we were pregnant. We weren't planning on having anymore babies. But if I only new I would of took my medicine I need to take when we are trying. I know we would would of been happy and surprised if it went good. I just don't understand why this is happening to our family one bad thing after another. Is this suppose to make us stronger well it's not. I feel more depressed and at such a loss. God please we can't take any more. I just sit here and cry. no more! I'm empty inside......

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T11:58:00.003-05:00

I am truely blessed! I have the best family and friends. I have a beautiful little girl. A nice house and things. I have a lot to be thankful but in my heart I feel a little bitter that your not here. I miss you so much today. although I am blessed and thankful I will always be missing that one peice that makes everything complete. That one peice that fills my heart with so much happiness I feel like it could burst at any moment. I realize I will always think of you and miss you and always be a little less complete.

Happy Thanksgiving baby girl. We all love you and miss you very much. As I promised you the last time I held you I will always carry you will me in my heart.

Christmas

2008-11-23T20:42:00.002-05:00

Heather I was feeling the same way sad because when we were both pregnant we all talked about Christmas time. And how many kids this year to buy for and opening gifts around the tree. It is so hard because in the back of my mind I want so much to buy for Addilynn. I know this year has been the hardest on me I noticed I have become more protective of both Benjamin and Claire. I still can't sleep at night and I'm always checking on her to make sure she is still breathing. I don't like that fear it could happen and it did happen to us so close to us. I am always asking why God did this happen? It effected all of us. I want so much for Claire to be 1years old then maybe it wouldn't be me living in fear every night. I know we wanted Claire and Addilynn to be best buddies. In my mind I think about how it could of been and it will never be. I miss you Addilynn.

The holidays

2008-11-21T16:23:00.002-05:00

Even though we are just beginning the season I am feeling very down about it. I hear the Christmas songs and they make me sad. This should be your first Christmas. I should be buying presents for two kids not just one. I should be buying you a holiday dress. Last year it was almost time for you to be born and I was looking forward to your arrival. We all talked about how many kids there would be by next Christmas. Everyone kept saying that in both families. Now we are celebrating Christmas with one less. Then I am reminded of your birthday and I am not sure how I will make it through the day I should have been celebrating your very first birthday. I wanted all of this so much and this time of year is just reminding me of how much I am missing. I miss you everyday regardless of the holidays but this just seems to magnify that. I think one of the hardest things about this is that I don't know how to respond to people. What do I say when they say how many children do you have? I don't want to make an awkward situation. I am still very blessed and am never ungrateful just sad. I want so badly to hold you some days it just rips my heart open.

Blah blah

2008-11-10T16:48:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I don't write often because I feel it is the same thing over and over. Blah blah I miss you. Of course I miss you and that will never change. I am still thinking of what I would be doing if you were here. I am still missing you everyday. I still wish things weren't as they are. But all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. I still think of the night you left us over and over. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to change the outcome of that morning. It is still hard to beleive that hours before your death you were smiling and cooing. It is hard to beleive that was the last time i would ever hold you again. I search for signs from you. I don't know how to feel half the time but I can say the pain of your death is not at the forfront anymore. I can't say it hurts less but its not my focus. It will always hurt and I will always miss you. Not much has really changed except I guess accepted it because I have to. Miss you and love you always baby girl...

ps. God please give Addilynn a kiss and a hug for me

Death

2008-10-28T17:05:00.002-04:00

Death is the most concrete word there is. You are either dead or alive. However, it can sometimes be the most difficult to accept and understand. So hard to understand when someone dies suddenly. The question of why just circles your mind. When someone who was healthy gets a fatal diagnosis. When there is an accident and most of all when someone just dies. I don't really understand why babies of all people just all of a sudden die. There has to be a reason. Why does this happen? What can we do to stop it? Almost every other kind of death there is a way to prevent it. Of course there are still freak accidents. Is SIDS just some sort of freak accident? So many people assume that the baby was sick in some way. When I say it was SIDS they just say how sorry they are. Then I don't know how to respond. SIDS is something no one really knows that much about yet nothing can be done to find out. There are so many theories as to why it might happen in babies. Some people even say that their are possible neurological problems which I don't believe. I think that is just a theory. How can you have neurological problems but not a single symptom except you up and die. What if it is sleep apnea? I think that maybe they should do sleep studies on babies. It painless and harmless to the baby itself and the end result of course is not death. They could see if that is a possible connection. I just don't understand I guess why there is no information on this type of death except sorry your baby was healthy but she just stopped breathing. Why can't they do more? Why are they coming up empty. if death is so concrete then why can't there be a concrete reason?

Today was yucky!

2008-10-24T15:46:00.002-04:00

I was kinda blindsided. I got a memo the other day saying we were going to give the one preggo girl in my building a book for the baby. Well I forgot and today I went to work and had a spare brand new one in my class that was Gabby's. It wasn't anything special really. No thought involved. It turned out to be like a mini baby shower for this lady which was ok but I really didn't want to be there. I didn't have much of a choice it was at lunch time and not everyone there knows my business. To top it off the special teacher had her baby there at lunch. her almost 8 month old baby. I nearly crawled out of my skin. I realize I can't avoid babies of course and there are few I can tolerate. Well only one I know of...he just melts my heart. What can I say he wore me down..LOL! but anyway most babies especially girls get to me. It is just horrible when they are there for extended periods of time. I don't want to miss out on seeing my niece I love her and she is family. So I am basically watching this baby shower and sitting next to this baby. I didn't choose to sit next to the baby the person next to me wanted to hold her. Then they start doing so big with her. I started getting misty eyed because the last time I saw addie I was doing that with her. I feel like I can't just get up and leave cause the entire faculty is sitting there watching her. Plus I felt weird with the people who knew sitting there. So I just sat there trying my hardest not to burst into tears. It was the worst situation I could ever think of except being on nursery duty or something. I know where I will be uncomfortable and I don't put myself in those types of situations. Really I should be able to have lunch at work without babies or baby showers. It was just awful and I never wanted to sprint out of a place more. I hope it gets better.

2008-10-20T21:48:00.002-04:00

I had my first dream of you. I held you and all was well. In my dream I woke up and you were next to me in your basinette alive and well. The only down side was it wasn't true and I woke up terribly sad and missing you more. I had wished for that dream for so long and then when it came it was horrible. It threw my whole day off. I wish everyday you will send me a sign or something that you hear me or see me. I find your socks everywhere for some reason lately. They just keep popping up. I think that is you saying hello mom. Your garden still blooms and blooms even now in late october. There are still butterflies coming to the bushes. for some reason lately I can't stop thinking about that last time I held you both alive and not. I remember that night as I held you and you looked into my eyes and I looked into yours. Were you saying goodbye mommy? Then I focus on the last time I held you and wised I would have taken off that wierd knit hat they put on you and felt your hair for the last time. I suppose it doesn't matter much but I wish I would have. I wish everything could hold your sweet smell forever but I know it won't. I just wish somehow besides in my heart I could have something closer to you. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just know that everyday my heart and arms ache for you. I don't think there will ever be a day when this doesn't happen.

Our Little Flower Girl...

2008-10-19T19:49:00.015-04:00

What an experience this has been!! Sara has been a flower girl twice, but never with so much "to do"... in the end, all worked out, and we had lots of fun... and got some GREAT pictures!!!

Scott even bought a new suit...

We rehearsed...

And Erin got the "princess treatment"!

Erin patiently waited while the bridal party got ready....

Finally, we got things underway!

The ceremony was beautiful - Erin and her cousin, Evan, did excellent!!
(and while Erin wasn't thrilled with having to hold hands or walk arm in arm with Evan, they made it down the isle without incident!)

After all was said and done, Erin got to take a break and I took some "relaxing" pictures too!!

Finally.... after all this time, telling Erin to "BE CAREFUL" around her pretty dress, so as not to get a spot on it, this past weekend, Erin cut loose with the help of our friend photographer, Nancy Petrizzo... and we "trashed the dress" :)

And of course, Erin couldn't resist performing her patented flip!

2008-09-25T18:14:00.000-04:00

"If Roses Grow In Heaven"

If roses grow in heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my daughter's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy.
I do it everyday,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

5 months

2008-09-24T21:57:00.003-04:00

It's been five months my precious baby since I last held you, touched you, and kissed you. Five months since I last heard you cry. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was feeling sick and I heard Daddy comforting you as you cried. I wish I had gotten up to comfort you myself. I wish I would have held you that last time. Maybe some how it would have changed the course of events. I know in the back of my mind there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but I just wish I could have. I still go over the events thinking about how they could have been different or how they could have changed. I think of the week before. I think of how I was preparing the garden in front of the house while you sat in the swing as happy as can be and kicked away. I think of the warm weather we had and how cute you looked in that little bunny jumper. I think of how that afternoon when you were playing in your gym and kicking away and smiling. If I only knew it was the last time you would. If I only knew I would have held you all day and begged God not to take you. I would have asked for more time. I wouldn't have done anything else but spend time with you. I would have made sure you knew I loved you so much. I have to believe that you know. I have to believe that for some reason this happened. I love you forever and always...till we meet again.

Surreal

2008-09-17T21:22:00.002-04:00

I still think of the events of that night. I think about why everything happened just so. I think of what Jack yelled to me as he ran you up to me. I think of what happened after. It all seems so surreal like it is some horrible nightmare. It still is a nightmare. It sometimes seems like it just couldn't have happened and I push it out of my mind. Then I remember how I used to hold you and you would look right into my face and talk to me. I wonder if every time I fed you, you held our hands because you knew that would have to be enough to last a lifetime. I cherish those times when I held you well after you had fallen a sleep. Is it enough to last me forever? Not a chance. I feel so robbed,

high school musical debut!

2008-09-17T20:45:00.001-04:00

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I Need a Drink

2008-09-15T21:11:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up to Patrick having a fever. So I had to keep him home from school. I have to drag him with me to take Brianna to school. I had to go to the pet store to put money on Patrick's Tarantula (yup he wanted one too so now we have two), then I had to grocery shop. I had put it off too much this weekend. We get home and one of my cats is up a tree. Yup way up there. I called the SPCA and they won't come out until the cat is up there for 24 hours.

Now Simba apparently is a LOUD cat. People could hear him from houses away. We tried for a long time to get my scared loud cat down from the tree and then all of a sudden I had to pick Brianna up from school. SO back in the car we go. Patrick is in tears because his cat is up the tree and we can't get him down. (this would have been a much better day if he had gone to school)

When we got home I saw that the fireman who lives across the street from me was home. So of course I think he can get the cat down. Firemen always get cats down don't they? So I ask him and he comes over and he comes up with the bright idea to squirt the cat with a hose because cats hate water and since he was on a lower branch he would jump down given a reason too.

Cats do hate water but apparently they go up rather than down when squirted with a hose. Now Simba is halfway up the tree and wet. If you thought he was loud before he is now. People from the next block over and trying to get him down from the yard behind ours. It has become a neighborhood event.

So I notice it is 3:15 and we have a 3:30 Dr. appointment for Patrick's yearly physical. Huge coincidence it was the same day he was home sick from school. Cat is up the tree, the fireman who I find out is VERY allergic to cats has to go to work and Dennis isn't home from work yet.

Yikes in all the excitement I still haven't unloaded the groceries from the car. Ooops there are cold things in those bags. As I am unloading the bags and putting the cold and frozen items away when daddy comes home. Both kids start talking to him at once. The cat is meowing and Dennis has no idea what is going on.

Now it is 3:20 and we have to leave to get to the appointment on time. I tell Dennis we can call the fire department when we get home (more tears from Patrick he wants his cat back). Dennis says "I can get the cat down." and starts to climb the tree.

Simba is happy to see Dennis but won't let Dennis pick him up. When Dennis picks up Simba at last he realizes the Oops in his plan. When you have a cat in your hands it is very hard to climb down a tree. Dennis manages to get close to the ground and drops the cat, Simba is of running but he is out of the tree.

I manage to get Simba into the house and notice it is now 3:25 and we have to go. Wow that only took 5 minutes it felt like forever. We manage to catch every green light on the way to the Drs. office. Pull into the parking lot and the inner entrance is all torn up and we have to drive all the way around the building to park. Patrick and I walk to the door while Daddy and Brianna pull the car around. Daddy drove, Brianna was in the back-seat.

The appointment went well and the doctor agreed with me. Sick from school = no outdoor activities like soccer. Daddy doesn't agree and let Patrick play at a friends house. I had to get him and explain again if you stay home from school you stay inside all day. Daddy then let Patrick play outside while I ran to the store. So again I have to be the bad guy. I am going to have to watch that Daddy.

Oh when we get home fro the doctors Time Warner is here. Ooops I forgot I scheduled an appointment because the cable was acting Wonky on Friday. The house is a mess, there are still groceries all over that I haven't put away (all boxes and canned goods) and Dennis has sent Patrick to that friends house.

I had to switch a lock in the basement to keep the kids from opening a door to our storage room. With the door open the cats can get outside through a broken window. Upstairs is supposed to fix it. So I manage to switch the lock and the key won't come out because the hole in the frame isn't long enough for the dead-bolt to go all the way into it. Now I have to figure out how to fix that. So the kids can still open that door. They know they aren't supposed to but that apparently doesn't matter.

Dennis announces he is going out at 8 p.m., coincidentally the kids bedtime and now I flip out. After this day I am not doing bedtime alone!!!! I won, he stayed until 8:30. The kids are in bed and I need a drink. Did I buy any while grocery shopping? Of course not!!!! What was I thinking!!!!

Busy week but I haven't forgotton you

2008-09-12T15:59:00.003-04:00

There are many times when I want to mention you. I have no new stories to tell. I can't tell anyone how much you grew and for all they know I don't have a baby. They don't know that just 8 months ago I gave birth to you and now your gone. You have gone to be with jesus and that's where you live now. They don't know that we still cry for you and miss you. I wonder sometimes can they see the sadness in my eyes? There are so many days when I wish I could just smell you. I pass by the infant section in target and I think of turning down the diaper isle just so I can smell the pampers. instead I walk by. I look at the clothes for fall and think oh that would have looked cute on you. I wish someone was asking me oh hows the baby? got any new pictures? Then my face would light up as I told a funny story or your latest milestone. and then they would say aww how sweet. That doesn't happen and will never happen. I miss you baby girl.

How it should have been?

2008-09-02T22:02:00.001-04:00

The days go by and I get further from the last time I held you. I still think of how it should have been or how it would have been. I think of how I would be dropping you off at daycare and then taking Gabby with me. I think of how I would want to rush home to pick you up. I am still angry that for some reason none of this was in the plan. Some times it feels like it never happened. Like you were never here although my heart tells me differently as a part of it is filled with you. I am starting a new job which is a good distraction but I think what would they all think if they knew how broken I really am on the inside. I think how would they react if they knew. I think of how I should be showing you off instead I am missing you and trying not to blurt it out. I smile and wonder if anyone sees just how broken I am on the inside. I wonder if they see the inner sadness that is still there looming over my day. although everyday I get farther away from the day I last held you and kissed you I get closer to healing. Even though I move on with my days there is not a day that passes or more likely an hour that I don't think of you . I think of you and love you and miss you always.

same ol same ol

2008-08-28T21:56:00.002-04:00

I don't know where I am anymore. I feel like I should be further in the grief process or like I shouldn't miss you so much now. I feel like its been four long long months and I shouldn't think about you every second still. There are times when I am happy and excited about things but in the background I still feel sad. I still ache for you. I wish you were here more than anything almost everyday. I wish somehow I could go back in time and prevent it. I know they say when its your time its your time but still I wish I could. There are still days where I cry and cry. I just miss you and sometimes I think what else is there to say. I try to reason as to why it was your time. I try to understand and forgive. Even though I know there is no answer that I will know in my lifetime. I wonder if there is something I missed or some peice of information I didn't think of. Yet I know thier will be no answer that I find I still search. Then I search for peices of you left behind. I smell your clothes even though the smell has begun to fade. I look at your sweet face in pictures even though there will be no more pictures of you. I hold your blanket in my arms and put it up to my face and then to my heart. I search for signs...I search for you...I miss you.

The things that are still difficult....(the 25th)

2008-08-25T10:16:00.004-04:00

It has been four months since I have seen you and held you in my arms. Four months since I kissed you goodnight. Someday it will be four heartbreaking years. There are still many things that are difficult. I still have a hard time turning out the kitchen light because I used to leave it on to make you a bottle in the night. I can not sleep in the dark because I am afraid something will happen and I won't see it. I can not sleep with out you next to me. The sight of the television shows that were on that night as I heard you cry for the last time makes me sick. I can not be in a room with another baby for a long time because the ache for you becomes stronger. I can't look at another baby without comparing them to you. When I walk upstairs I see your crib which I can not bring myself to take down. I can still see you there talking to your mobile and crying when it turns off. I can't drive in the direction of your grave without stopping in to say hi. I can not take your sticker off the back of the car because you are still a part of our family. I can not yet look at your face on a daily basis. The heartache would be too great and my arms would feel how empty they are. I can not erase your pictures off the camera because then I would feel like you were never really here. I can't go to the same doctor you went too because I used to take you there. I remember all the memories of you but wish there were more. I savored the times you feel a sleep on me after I fed you. I would hold you a little longer and kiss your head. It may have been 3 am but I knew these times would not last forever. I remember your first shots how you cried but the second I scooped you up you stopped. I have to believe that it was because I was picking you up and you knew me as mommy. I remember your sweet gummy smile. I remember after you were born and how I had you all to myself and I would sing to you the same song I sang to Gabby. I will forever ache for you and hold you in my heart.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

A Family

2008-08-24T02:28:00.004-04:00

As a single mom of two, there's one thing that would make me completely content with life at this point. I want the night to come that I tuck in my girls, and they're both able to say "Goodnight Mom and Dad". The day to come when they say to their friends "oh yeah, my parents will be there". I want so bad for them to have a Dad. For us to have a family. It has nothing to do with marraige, love, or money. I know love between a man and woman is the biggest thing, but if my girls could call someone Dad, and that man could smile at the word, that would mean more than love to me. Maybe I watch too many "chick flicks" or listen to too much country music. I always thought it was so simple and logical...

Missing you

2008-08-23T13:44:00.002-04:00

I am just missing you today...I can't stop the tears from coming some days. I go to visit my mom in the same hospital we went with you for the last time. I think I wonder if they know about you when I look around to the staff. I don't think it's that often that they have that happen. I wonder if I mention it they will know. I see the balloons and flowers leaving with the new dads that say it's a girl and I remember when you were born. I miss you and still can't believe at times that this is what has happened. The question of why never leaves my mind. Some days the tears just roll down my face in an endless stream and onto my heart where you are. I hope you only feel the love I have for you and not the sadness that I feel when I ache for you. I hope you can feel how much we love you and I hope you felt that while we held you in our arms. I hope you knew how much we wanted you. I wish you were here.

Birth Certificate

2008-08-20T20:24:00.003-04:00

We got the birth certificate for Addilynn today. My husband needed it for some insurance stuff so he called yesterday and explained we never got it. She said you must have and what not..anyway he ends up saying well we never got and she died. So she finally says I will send that right out to you. So it comes today and on it, it says certificate of live birth, DECEASED!!! I called and said is it supposed to say that cause she didn't die at birth. She said yes the state requires that we stamp it deceased. I was so upset..I will never have a regular one just one stamped with DECEASED...if they would have sent it out when they were supposed too, then we would have a normal one. I want a normal one that I can keep not one that said she died. I think I am well aware of that. There has got to be someone else I can talk to or ask about it. It seems to be the same lady who answers the phone. I just want a normal one...

The results are in...

2008-08-18T14:25:00.003-04:00

The results are in and I don't feel any better...It's the answer I didn't want. They are calling it Sudden Infant Unexplained Death...The only reason it isn't being called SIDS is because she was in Jack's lap when she died. Everything she found was consistent with SIDS..I don't feel better because that is not a reason. There is no one to be angry with. Our baby was perfect except she died. How unfair is that? All this time, all this waiting and nothing. There is no reason. No abnormalities, no defects, no virus, no disease...just perfect. So there is nothing no one could have done to prevent it. Does that make me feel better...not really. I am angry there is no real answer. I did everything right and still my baby died. I tried to be the best mommy and it didn't matter. I feel like there are a lot of people out there that do horrible things to their babies. Like somehow their infant ingested cocaine...what the heck? That woman gets to keep her child..How is that fair? Some people have babies that aren't wanted and they live. Why can't I have mine? Why wasn't I allowed to have her? I guess that night it was her time..The angel came and took her hand. She didn't suffer and there was nothing we could do to keep her here. She went to a place without pain, or sadness. Can I blame her, of course not. I just wish she had more time here on earth. More time so I could see her roll over, sit up, go to school and everything else that we hold precious with our children. I never thought it would happen to me. I knew about SIDS and I took the precautions they suggested but she still died. I just am not sure yet how I feel about this. I think it has to take time to sink in. I have so many emotions. I feel angry and sad. I always knew SIDS was a possibility of the "reason" why but I was hoping they would say something else. I don't even know if that would have helped because then I would have blamed the doctors or myself for not recognizing it. Maybe this is the best answer but it is an answer I don't understand. No one can say for sure what causes SIDS, it just happens. One second you are enjoying your baby and the next they are gone. It's every one's worst nightmare. It leaves you wondering why my baby? I don't know why and I will spend the rest of my days here trying to rationalize why. I spend everyday loving the child I will never hold again and missing her. I spend my days wishing this isn't happening. I spend my days trying to figure out who I am without her. I spend my days without you...sad and brokenhearted.

Addilynn Rose

2008-08-16T20:56:00.003-04:00

In Memory Of Addilynn Rose

By Aunt Holly

Addilynn Rose

Addilynn your like a Rose in the Spring

God planted a seedling

Smelling oh so sweet

Each petal made unique

Your like a flower in the wind

A treasure indeed, this flower, the rose

With beauty abounding, as everyone knows

So, I'll possess it and press it as the moment itself,

Keeping it forever present,

Retaining all that was felt.

And although it lies in repose, I'll always remember

This flower, the Rose.

my heart is broken again!

2008-08-15T21:04:00.002-04:00

The video of Addilynn is gone. It's all I had. It has her growth and memories on it. It had the day she was born and four days before she passed away. It was the single most precious thing I had left of her. I looked forward to the day I could bring myself to watch it again. Now I cry like I did the day she left us. It is almost as if she is leaving me again. I am angry with God. I feel like he is taking everything I have. Why is he allowing this to happen? How could he let this happen? Why can't I at least have that? It's not fair. I feel like I have seen it ten times in the last month not knowing that it was that tape. What if I threw it out by accident. I told gabby to never ever touch this tape and I put it up high. The only way she could get to it is if she stood on the table. I found the case with a bead and a yellow jewel in it so I know it was her. My heart breaks because now I can't even see her alive. I will never see that again. I will never see her smile at me. I will never see her cry or hear her cry again. I don't get to hear her voice ever again...can I live without that? my heart breaks again for the second time.

My snuggler

2008-08-14T23:41:00.003-04:00

Today I am in a sad mood and I can't seem to get out of it. I guess it's to be expected but doesn't mean I have to like it. I am just missing her. I am missing her cry. We were in the store today and there was a newborn baby crying and Gabby said, "doesn't that sound like Addilynn?" I said, "yes it does". It made me miss her more. I felt like running to that woman and telling her how lucky she was and making sure she knew it or telling her my baby died. Of course that would make me just seem nuts. Some days there is nothing I can do to stuff my sadness away. I try but it sneaks up on me. I am missing her tiny hand holding my hand. Every single time I fed her she would hold my hand. Her tiny warm hand would wrap around my fingers and it would just fill my heart. When I held her after her bottle she would rub her face on my shirt and I would rub her head on my cheek. I miss that so much. Some days its so sad and unbearable and I want to cry every five seconds. Sometimes I am afraid that I will forget her. I remember holding her that last time. I remember the tear drops rolling down my cheek onto the blanket they wrapped her in. Even though it was a stupid thought I hoped that somehow my tear of sadness and love would fix her. It didn't and more tears rolled onto her blanket and were soaked up. I whispered in her ear mommy will always love you and I will always keep you in my heart. I rubbed her face for the last time.

The dresser drawer

2008-08-13T22:14:00.003-04:00

There it sits the drawer that is never opened. It has the only items left of Addilynn. Those are the most special things. The things that smell like her. Her bedsheets, clothes, spit rags...and hat. They all lay there in bags. All I have left are Ziploc bags of clothes. I no longer have my sweet baby to kiss and hold. I can't rub my face against her fuzzy head like I used too. I miss that everyday. I can't sniff her up after her bath because she smells so fresh and baby like. The only thing I can so is hold her clothes to my chest and pretend I am holding her. Then I smell them and remember her and wish she were here all the more. It doesn't help to have these things but it helps to have a piece of her. I have some of her hair but I have not been able to look at it. They also made us a foot print which I haven't seen since that day either. All of her baby things besides those I specifically requested are not here. I can't see them. right now my baby should be swinging in her swing or sleeping in her crib. Instead her sheets have been taken away and crib remains empty like the hole she has left behind. I walk upstairs and I still can picture her there. I can hear her tiny cry wanting a bottle or attention. I walk past the drawer and it remains closed. I walk past the rocking chair and it is vacant. I get into bed and look to where her bassinet was and say goodnight to her. Then my only prayer is that I will dream about her. That maybe in my dream I can hold her, smell her, hug her, and kiss her. Goodnight sweet baby girl, my perfect rose.

Should we try for another?

2008-08-13T20:00:00.002-04:00

I wanted badly for Gabby to have a sibling. I have several and couldn't imagine life without them. I just want to make sure she has someone close besides me and jack to count on. I don't know if I can go through it all again. I am not a happy pregnant person. I am afraid of labor. I didn't have a good experience at all with Addilynn. I know it will all be worth it again. I want to have that joy again that a new baby brings. I wanted Addilynn so much. All my plans along with my heart were just shattered. I feel like my heart is like a glass window pain and it was smashed with a mallot. At that moment you could see my heart shatter and fall to the ground in tiny peices that even if put back together it will never be the same. As everyday goes by I try to pick the peices up but I can't find every last shard. It will never be whole again. I loved her so much and of course I still do. I don't know if I have another one how that will feel when I see that face that looks like hers. Gabby and Addilynn looked so much a like that sometimes looking at baby pictures of Gabby is hard. Will I be able to get close to the baby? I don't know how I will ever sleep with the a new baby in the house. How do I not worry that the same thing will happen again? How do I not feel like the second I close my eyes will be the last time I see my baby? How do I not fear it? No one ever thinks it will actually happen to them....but it did happen to me. My worst fear came true. I held my limp baby in my arms and couldn't even grasp what was actually happening but I knew she was gone. I tried to save her but it had no effect. How do I not see that scene in my head every night when I put my new baby to bed or in for a nap? Then the other question is,what if we don't have another, will I be happy only having one?

In a bad mood today

2008-08-13T12:39:00.002-04:00

I know my problems are minor (Heather, you're a tough act to follow)... but I'm just crabby today and thought I'd vent it out anyway.

I guess today I am frustrated because I have come to the realization that I've raised my kids to expect far too much. Thinking I am doing the right thing for them, I made sure that (at least Sara) was in some sort of structured social type thing since she was very young (never all at once, of course but...) - gymnastics, Girl Scouts, Swim Classes, Cheerleading and various things here and there... Now, when I want to try and do the same for Erin (like put her in gymnastics), Sara conveniently has forgotten about the 3 years she spent in gymnastics herself, the time I spend with her and her Brownie troop, not to mention the commitment we've made to cheerleading.

Every morning, they wake up asking "where are we going today".... it's expected, and when we do go someplace, they're complaining and asking about the next day. So frustrating.

So what do I do? Stop? Punish them by not letting them participate in sports or group activities? Take away all of their worldly goods and let them see what it's really like to 'want'? Remove myself from their organizations? Sometimes I wonder.

Today I feel like they are thankless brats, and I know it's horrible to say - I know they are good kids, but when they want more more more, it hurts my feelings, and just makes me feel like I can't do anything right.

{{sigh}}

Thanks for reading.

No results again!

2008-08-11T12:45:00.003-04:00

It's another Monday and I call again. I ask if there are any results and when will they be sent out. Again they have no answers and I have no answers. The sad part is it's the only time I get to refer to her. I get to say her beautiful name but not to her. It's the name I never get to call out and she will answer. It's the name I loved from first sight but now I can barely speak it. I wanted to tell everyone what her name was and show her off. I didn't want to tell the medical examiner over and over. I didn't want to spell it for her grave stone. I thought she was so smart and adorable. Probably as every mother does. I knew what I had from the day she was born. I knew I was so blessed and for almost 4 months I lived in a world of bliss. Now I live in a state of limbo wondering what happened. How could she be cooing and smiling and then dead? How could she leave us without a goodbye or warning? I don't think she would have chosen it but I am sure the angel took her hand and she walked away with him. I remember so vividly how she was sitting in my lap that night in her little got milk Jammies and she was facing outward. I was thinking how big she had gotten and I was putting her arms up and saying so big. I just want to know why and sometimes I don't think I will ever get an answer. I wonder if my instincts were right...was something wrong? That whole week before I said to everyone I don't know what's wrong with her but something is off. I took her to the doctor and nothing stood out. There was nothing that whole week that screamed take me to the hospital. When will I know? Will it help? Will I feel resolution? will it make it worse, if that's possible? I have no choice but to sit and wait and whisper her name in hopes that she hears me. I whisper I love you, Addilynn Rose. I whisper I miss you.

What should have been

2008-08-10T19:53:00.003-04:00

It's been a very long hard road and still I see a long road ahead before my broken heart begins to mend. I still feel very broken and lost. I am not sure of who I am now. I am not the same nor will I ever be the same. I have lost some of my carefreeness (is that a word?). I have gained new anxiety and a great sadness that looms over my days. Summer has been hard because every where I turn there are cute babies and I think of mine. I think of how she should have been right here with me. last summer I kept thinking next year at the fair I will have the baby and next year at the picinic I will be showing off my baby. Instead I get the dreaded question of how are you doing? and those looks of sadness and awkward niceness. I wonder if people are analyzing me and saying things. she looks thin, or fat or tired or sad. I wonder what they think even though I don't care. They will never be in my position. I wish she was here every second of the day and wonder what I would be doing if she was. I wonder if she would like her cereal or what fruits and veggies she would like. I wonder if she would eat her toes because she ate her hands. I wonder how big she would be and if she would light up when I walked in the room. I found her tiny sock in my dresser drawer today. I smelled it and remembered her again for the 80th time today. I remember her every second of the day and wish this wasnt my reality. It is and somehow I get through the day.

So begins crazy season!

2008-08-10T19:52:00.006-04:00

Well after only a few short weeks of "vacation".... an abbreviated trip to Allegany that was cut short due to strep throat outbreaks, a quick overnight trip to Niagara Falls, a 7th birthday celebration and a few trips to Fantasy Island with friends... now the work starts!

Cheerleading is underway - and this year I am assisting with the coaching of my daughters' pee wee squad. We have a huge team this year, and it's proving to be quite challenging... but so far, things are coming together, and we're moving along! Luckily, I have my daughter to help "coach" me on the words and the movements, as I am learning as I go!

I admit... I've never been one to enjoy cheerleading. In fact, I made fun of cheerleaders when I was in school! I now have a greater appreciation for the sport, and how hard these girls work - even at the pee wee level - and I love how much Sara enjoys and excels at it!

In only a couple of weeks, we'll also start Brownies! This is Sara's second year as a Brownie, and also my second year leading her troop. Thank goodness I will have a great co-leader this year, who is conveniently a good friend of mine!

I am looking forward to this year with my second grader and my preschooler! So much planned!!!

Why is the cat pink?

2008-05-14T20:38:00.001-04:00

I wake up this morning bright and early. It was before the alarm rang and everything. Was it early enough? NO!!!!!!!!! I find Patrick in the kitchen, he dragged a chair over to the countertop, climbed up and I caught him opening up a container of brown sugar.

That wasn't the worst of it the floor was covered in food coloring. The cat had pink polka dots on it and there were trails of multi-colored kitty footprints all over the rug. Thus begins my day.

Then I have to trace down a tax ID for one of our doctors so our insurance would cover it. Of course then I have to call the insurance company. Why does it take so long to get a pre-notification number? That sucked up my whole free morning.

In fact this is my first quiet moment to myself all day. After a doctors appointment and watching my nephews add to that soccer practice, gardening and the normal mommy duties this was quite an eventful day.

Oh and the poor kitty is still covered in pink polka-dots.

It all Started at McDonald's

2008-05-05T13:10:00.000-04:00

Friday I went through McDonald's Drive-Thru at breakfast. Brianna just wanted a sausage. We picked up our order and I drove home so we could eat. Did I check the bag? NO!!!!!

So When we get home Brianna doesn't have any sausage. I gave her the sausage from my McGriddle and called to complain. They told me to ask for a new one when I am next there for breakfast.

So this morning on the way to her school we go through Drive-Thru and Brianna wants a toy too. Usually they will give them to us no charge if I ask and there is a child in the car. Not all McDonald's do that even though they are supposed to. At least that is what my brother tells me, he is an overnight manager there. They won't give me one cause I didn't buy anything.

So to avoid tears and I was hungry anyway I order a dollar menu item. Do I have money with me? Again, NO!!!!! So out comes the bank card. Ooops I forgot the money in the bank is waiting for the never cashed check that still hasn't been cashed.

I remember the bag of pop bottles in the car and when I picked Brianna up from school the bak in the store was finally open so I turned in pop bottles to get the dollar to deposit in the bank before the Tonawanda Soccer Club cashes the check during the few hours that we are under the amount in the bank. Somehow that is always when the checks are cashed, LOL!!!

We end up with $1.55 in bottles so I bought some M&M's for us to share. They were 2/.88 so I knew I would still have that $1.00 to put in the bank. The cashier hands me .98 change!!!! We can clearly see the M&M's are .44 a bag, not the .62 they rang up as. SUPER REFUND!!!!!

I ended up with $2.10 plus .23 back from the refund. Bonus when I was at the bank I found out our checks were still free and we just ran out so I got new checks too.

It all started with a sausage order at McDonald's end ended with a profit for me and free checks. Not a bad mornings work, LOL!!!

Lens Envy...

2008-03-24T15:46:00.005-04:00

Well I finally did it! I broke down and bought that SLR I've been eying for so long... yes, I have given in to the lens envy pressure of the other mama-razzis : ) I finally settled on the Canon Rebel XT - which so far is suiting me well.

I am still learning the basics of the features, and have discovered that I will need to use some more of the custom settings to get the results I want, but so far, here's some of the pictures I've gotten from using this camera...

Sara:

Erin:

Both Kiddos...

Stupid Pink Monkey, LOL!!!

2007-12-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

Brianna and I went into the Dollar Tree and she saw a stuffed monkey. This was in November and seemed innocent enough at the time. She really wanted the Monkey and it was just a Dollar so I bought it. Well two days later she has lost it and is DEVASTATED, I mean tears and cries and on the floor upset. We survived that great loss though. Maybe a week later we go in again (I admit it I am a dollar store junkie) and she spots another monkey so I bought it because I remember how much she loved the first one. The first one was purple and this one is blue. Brianna now is mentioning how much she wants a pink one.

Now if you ever go to the Dollar Tree you really don't know what stuffies they will have. Bears are usually a given but monkeys, especially 8" pot bellied monkeys are not as prevalent. The beginning of December I spot a brown one and buy that too. Now Brianna is aware of Christmas and its proximity so she announces that Santa will bring her a pink Monkey.

I go back mid-December and there are no more pot bellied monkeys. Not blue, not purple and especially not pink ones. Brianna is telling everyone about how Santa is bringing her one and I am starting to panic. I am asking everyone I can to look for one if they go into a Dollar Tree. I ask my WNY Mommies friends, I ask my other on line groups to keep an eye out for them. I ask out of state relatives and friends. NOTHING!!!!

Now it is almost Christmas and I am now going to the Dollar Stores again because she is so sure she is getting this stupid pink monkey. It is the only thing she is asking for. I am frantic trying to find it. I am digging through the stuffed animal bins looking for it. The clerks are telling me I am brave, they wont even do that. I am finding valentine toys, but no pink pot bellied monkeys.

I went into one store where some shelves were empty from all the Christmas shopping. Finally I go into one last store and I find one brown pot bellied monkey and two pink dogs that looked kind of close to the monkey. So I bought them all. I wrapped them up (okay I put them in a gift bag after all that shopping I took the easy way out), and put them under the tree.

Christmas morning comes and Brianna is so excited to see her stocking.

She unwraps gifts and announces that Santa did bring the monkey and she couldn't wait to unwrap it. She loved all the coloring books and crayons that Santa left but started to ask where her monkey was.

Then the kids notice the tree has gifts under it too.

Brianna runs to the gift bag opens it up hugs the pink doggie and says that Santa did indeed bring her pink monkey and I knew all that running around and digging through bins of stuffies was worth it. It doesn't matter that it really is a doggie. In her eyes it is the pink monkey that she wanted.

It's Always the Little Things

2007-12-07T09:03:00.000-05:00

My tooth has been bothering me since mid-October. Of course it is a wisdom tooth. I have had three dentist appointments about it so far. The last one they tried to remove it. It is infected and the antibiotics haven't worked well. The pain as they tried to pull it was intense. I would rather go through natural childbirth again before they do that again. So I got another two prescriptions for pain and a stronger antibiotic.

Another two prescriptions on top of the multitude I already take for so many things. My body won't regulate potassium so I have to take that. My blood is acidic so I have to take another pill 4x's a day for that. Oh and there is the depression which ran out this week and I didn't notice. So I spent a night without it.

If I miss a dose I get a bit emotional and dizzy. So Dennis went to get my meds and picked up three scripts. He brought them to me and I opened the bag and emptied them out. I was dizzy and didn't want to walk so I had a couple other scripts next to me. All the bottles kind of clanked together as Brianna came up to me to snuggle.

All of a sudden I was crying. I looked at all the bottles of meds I have to take. It just looked like hundreds of bottles at that moment. I looked at Brianna and hoped she never had to take all the pills I have to. It is such a regular thing for mommy to take meds. Brianna keeps me on my toes and reminds me. My baby already knows what prescription bottles are.

Oh and then I took out a pill for my depression and dropped it in-between the couch cousins. I panicked. I am already upset about taking so many meds now I am worried I won;t be able to find the pill and the kids will find it and take it. So I reach for it and It falls all the way down to the bottom. SO I get hubby to lift the couch and there is a liner. No we have to play tilt the couch to get at the pill and it wouldn't come out.

Remember I didn't take the depression meds the day before and I am already emotional. I want that pill found I am focused on that and Dennis really doesn't seem to care because it is in the liner and thinks the kids won't get to it. This is one of the meds that has a risk of suicide for children under 18 so again I panic. Now I think of how the kittens play in the couch and might eat it

Yes I am going berserk over a pill. It took us 20 minutes to get it out. I calmed down took my pill and tried to calm down.

It is always the little things that seem to effect us the most. Oh and I still need this wisdom tooth pulled. Hopefully before Christmas!!!!

Such a first time mom...

2007-12-04T10:27:00.000-05:00

My little guy has had a rough week. He has been having trouble falling and staying asleep, crying during bath time (which is usually his favorite!) and bursting out in tears for what seems to be no reason at all. There have probably been a dozen people who have said to me, "he must be teething!" I didn't pay much attention to this because Lincoln has been drooling like crazy and chomping down on teething rings for what seems like his entire life... so, it couldn't be that, right? Well, just a few days ago he started refusing his dinner, which is totally not the usual behavior for my little piggy. He screamed through his entire bath and then only slept about three hours total that night. The next day, I discovered that a tooth had, indeed cut through his bottom gums! My poor little man! I could have been giving him Tylenol to ease his discomfort... I could have been giving him frozen washcloths to chew on to help his hurting little gums... I could have been more patient with him at night when he was fussy at all hours... I could have listened to those dozen people telling me that he was teething!!!

Thank goodness he is feeling better now, but I can see that the "neighbor" tooth is on it's way up and out, so I'm sure we'll be dealing with a sore mouth for a while. Boy, there certainly are a lot of lessons to be learned from a first born!

More Christmas Decorating!

2007-11-30T21:02:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day! Scott and I cooked our turkey dinner - well, he did the dirty work - I mainly dictated LOL... but I did whip up a winning batch of peanut butter cookies!!

After dinner, we put up and decorated our Christmas tree with our very eclectic collection of ornaments both from my childhood and newer ones from recent Christmas'...

They goofed off a little....

But in the end...

It came out great! (the tree is behind them somewhere!!)

It's so nice, as the kids are getting older, to enjoy this time with them! They are finally at the age that they "get it" - and it makes the season so fun!

My Favorite Snuggles

2007-11-26T00:10:00.000-05:00

I am sick. I mean stay in bed all day, throat feels like it made of broken glass, light is bad and 70 degrees feels cold sick. Luckily it is the weekend and my hubby took over. The house looks like a hurricane hit and the sink is full of dishes but I got to stay in bed for most of the day. I still had to negotiate some squables and dry some tears but I feel better.

My wisdom tooth needs to come out. I am on antibiotics, pain killers and just added anbesol to the mix. I have one more week before it is yanked. To give you an idea of how much it hurts a pillow hurts when it touches my cheek. The soft fuzzy hair of my kittens when brushed on my face makes me wince.

SO why am I telling you about all the ick in my life. Well tonight after the kids went to bed and I sent hubby out for anbesol ($8.00 a bottle OUCH!!!!!) I snuck a peek at Brianna. She was still awake and I cuddled up next to her in her bed. She kisses me on my cheek (yes the side that hurts because of that darn tooth #&$*%!?) and said "I love you mommy". Then she snuggled up next to me and started to hum. All the pain went away as I melted in my babies arms.

Oh those magic snuggles that are exactly what we need at exactly the right time. Nothing else seems to matter!!!!!

Getting Ready...

2007-11-24T16:09:00.001-05:00

Since Scott was hunting this weekend and it was just me and the girls (and I wouldn't torture myself by taking them both shopping!), we decided to get ready for Christmas by making our Christmas Countdown Chain... something we do every year.

It started out pretty innocent...

And 24 links...

... and lots of glitter later...

We survived! (and got a pretty cute Christmas card picture out of it too!)

My growing girls....

2007-11-18T20:35:00.000-05:00

When did my six-year old become mature enough to cry during the sad parts of a movie?? I must admit, I get teary eyed myself, but was hiding in the bedroom folding laundry while my 6 and 3 year old daughters watched Casper on the Family Channel. (yes - the one with Christina Ricci in it - her mom is dead, she moves into this haunted mansion and meets Casper)... Anwho at the end are some pretty tear-jerking "deep" scenes, and don't I hear her sniffling away out there!!

My baby has turned into a little person overnight. Crying at grown-up scenes in movies, laughing at the subtle humor in Sesame Street, writing notes to her friends at school and even getting phone calls!! (I'm so not ready for this).

I wonder often... when did this happen? I look at her baby pictures and it just seems so long ago, when in reality it was only a few years... but doesn't a few years go so fast now?

Short and sweet ;)

The Comical Chaos of my Life

2007-10-25T22:22:00.000-04:00

So today I had a huge head cold. Brianna took a nap, Patrick was at school so I took some cold meds and took a nap myself. I woke up feeling better. Brianna woke up and we snuggled on my bed. Ah, I though this is nice. I love being a Mommy... and then my son came home from school.

We have been having some behavior issues lately. Enough that I have been concerned enough to call a doctor. Though nothing really major until today. My son came home from school with a red light (Bad behavior) for fighting. He and another boy were wrestling in the playground. On the ground woodchips flying, actual fighting. Oh and it gets better. He was the Red Power Ranger, the good guy (at least I know he was the good guy, LOL) and was fighting the Blue Power Ranger, the bad guy. Now I don't know why the blue power ranger was the bad guy so please don't ask, LOL!!!

Brianna is holding "her" kitten by the neck all over. No matter how often we tell her that the kitten needs to breath and doesn't like to be held by the neck she still does it. The look of that kitten before I rescue it is so pitiful. He is getting smart though. He really doesn't come out often if the kids are playing. He also is starting to let Brianna know that he doesn't like to be held by the neck.

Patrick wanted to go to movie night tonight. I knew he would hate it. The movie was High School Musical which is not the Power Rangers (not that I let him watch them, but still he plays that) or a cartoon or short. But there was an ice cream social so he waned to go. He was acting all excited, talking about the movie amd the stars (He never saw it so I have no idea how he knew all that he knew). He ate his ice cream and then was BORED!!!! I mean crawling on the floor under the tables in the cafeteria bored.

So we go into the auditorium to see the movie and he wants to sit next to a classmate. No problem I think until I notice I am only seats away from my evil ex-neighbor. There was a buffer between us so I was okay. Then the buffer left. Patrick of course got bored and actually thought the movie was scary. I am not sure how it was scary but he was seeking comfort and was obviosly upset by it. I of course knew to pack Teddy Grahms in my purse so that along with mommy suggles kept him occupied and quiet until the movie finally ended. Patrick then told me how boring it was.

I get home well after bedtime and Brianna is running around and didn't want to go to bed. Then my cold comes back with vengence!!! ah I remeber as I manage to finally get both kids to bed with stories and snuggles that I really love being a mommy even with scary High School Musicals, Blue vs Red Power Rangers, kittens being held by the neck and children running around after bedtime. This is what I wanted. It is a good thing that I can see the humor in the Chaos of my life.

The Halloween Fairy

2007-10-11T23:21:00.000-04:00

I got the idea from one of those parenting magazines when Patrick was a baby. LOL, I never thought I would use it. Until Brianna was born he never collected a whole lot of candy and Daddy and Mommy of course helped him eat the candy. Okay we ate most of it, he was a toddler so we tried to limit his candy intake.

Basically the idea is to at a specific time after Halloween the excess candy is taken by the Halloween Fairy to be given to people who needed it more. I am not sure if that was the original idea I read or a twisted interpretation that I formed in my mind over the years. Oh, yeah - she leaves a present in place of the candy. In our case it is a nice one - about a $10.00 level.

The first time she visited our houses was the first year Brianna joined in. Like before I wasn't expecting much. A small bagfull that would be easy to get through. Nope not my kids. Together they brought home 9 pounds of Candy. To be fair that included a couple indoor events like mall Trick or Treating.

A huge box of candy that would take forever to go through. Of course the kids just wanted to eat and eat it. We allowed them two pices a day each and I had visions of candy still around for the next Halloween. I recalled the Halloween Fairy idea and molded it to my own use.

The night she came the kids were preped. They put the candy in a special spot and wrote her a note that said how they wanted to give the candy to people that couldn't get any. It was real sweet. They were actually excited about it. Each one was allowed to keep a few pieces of the precious candy but the most of it was gathered to give away.

That night the Halloween Fairy came to our house, we used a special in the back yard so she would know to stop at our house. After all not everybody uses her services, LOL!!!! It is like a Halloween Fairy landing strip. She gathered up the candy and left the kids a note to let them know the candy went to the Veterans Hospital in Buffalo and they were so happy with the children's generocity. She left them two wrapped gifts (one for each child). and said she hoped to see them again next year.

She has visited us every year since and I know a few mommy's have invited her to thier house too. She still gives the candy to the Veteran's. It is alwys a night of excitement when we get the word that she is coming. The kids get everything all set up and wonder what she will leave this year. I wonder too sometimes, LOL!!!! Hopefully nothing painted in China. How do you handle Fairy gift recalls, LOL!!!

So now that the kids are in school I wonder how much longer we will get away with her visits. Most people have never heard of the Halloween Fairy and eventullay I expecting some questions. Maybe she is in the Tooth Fairy division and it is new post. Too many sweets could make too much work for the tooth fairies so it was developed to lessen thier load, LOL!!!

I love being a Mom!!!!!

Shopping For Halloween

2007-10-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

So I finally (mind you after years of looking) found a plus size witch costume I liked. So I decided that we would stop into the store to check it out. I went up to the wall of options and found the number of the costume I wanted. There were actually two that I was decided between so I tried on both. Amazingly the moment I got them both dressing rooms were free. I tried on both and the one I wanted first was the one that looked better on my. Dennis REALLY liked it. It was of course the last one at the store so I bought it.

Since we were already buying the costume we decided to buy the kids costumes too. (We have already been in the store for about 15 mins, what were we thinking!!!) Patrick immedietly decided on the RED Power Ranger. He has never seen The Power Rangers, nor have I. I am sure the colors mean something but I have no idea and neither does Patrick. He was so happy that we let him get the costume that he was literly bouncing up and down.

Now getting Brianna to select a costume was not nearly as easy. I think she eventually chose every costume in the girls selections and even a few on the boys, including the Red Power Ranger right after Patrick picked it. It took some effort to pick another one. Even though the cost was right I could only have one Red Power Ranger in the house.

So in the end Brianna firmly stood by her choice to be the Wonderful Witch. A frilly pink, purple and black witches costume. One look at her in the costume and I knew it was the perfect costume for her. She was just adorible in it. Now remember when I tried my costume on and both dressing rooms were free. NOT ANYMORE!!!! All of a sudden it was like shopping for a deal on the day after Thanksgiving and the doors just opened.

It was maddness. People were everywhere and the line for the dressing room was LONG!!! We had the kids try the costumes on over their clothes and thankfully they fit so I didn't have to wait to get different ones. Then came the long journey to the door. It was like being the ball in a pinball machine. Though on the way out I managed to find a spider to put on the cobwebs we decorated the front of our house in.

This is the first Halloween both kids have been really into it and the first year Patrick has found the scaryness of it fun too. I am looking forward to all the parties. Not so much the candy. It is a good thing tha Halloween Failry comes about 10 days after Halloween to collect all the leftover candy and leave a gift in place for each child. How much longer will we be able to get away with that one?

"Do you know where my mommy is?"

2007-09-29T22:01:00.000-04:00

Today we went to the Fall Festival. I had never been before and was pleased with how nice it was. There were games for the children and a nice sized craft fair for me. Okay not much for the dads but there were fire truck rides. The only disappointment was they ran out of pumpkins before we picked ours. Oh I tried earlier but hubby thought the .50 price was too high. MEN!!!!! So by the time I convinced him that that price was a steal, they of course were all gone.

After the festival ended we all went to the playground and the kids had a blast. How is playground this nice is so close to my house and I didn't know about it? There was a merry-go-round, huge slide climbing set, a smaller slide climber, a jungle gym shaped like a train, two swing sets and bouncy toys to ride. WOW!!!!! Patrick and Brianna had a blast!!! We even made friends.

Well while sitting there watching the joy of my children I noticed a little boy wandering around and asking the grown ups something. When he got close enough I could hear he was lost and looking for him mommy. He was asking everybody "Do you know where my mommy is?" He knew what color purse she had. One woman tried to help him but had two little ones of her own that needed her attention. Dennis was watching the kids so I helped the boy.

Okay the park is a nice size but not big enough that I can't see most of it, maybe all of it. No parents are franticly looking for a child. I know I looked around. I took the boy to the area with the highest concentration of workers and adults. The food pavilion, on the way I got some description of the mom and luckily ran into a police officer. I left the boy with the officer. Before I left the police officer asked the boy what his mom's name was and he didn't know. I asked the boy what his daddy calls his mom and we did get a name out of him then, but as I left a last name was still unknown (?).

I kept an eye on him and also noticed a woman sitting at a picnic table talking on her phone. As she got up the color purse she had was I thought the same color the boy said his mom had but she was far away and I wasn't sure so I watched her. She walked to her car, opened a door did something, closed it, walked slowly back toward the playground. She was still on the phone.

Meanwhile the police officer is walking up to groups of people and asking if anyone was the little boys mom or knew who she was or where she was. Finally the boy saw the woman on the phone and happily announced this was his mom. He ran to her and he was so happy. She still was on the phone and really had no idea why he was so happy. The officer walked up to her and said "Mom, your son was lost." I didn't hear any more but the impression I got was the woman was very unaffected by the incident. The police officer shook his head and walked up to me to thank me for my help. He said this was common; many parents just don't get it.

What if I didn't lead him to that officer? The boy was walking in the complete opposite direction than his mom was sitting at. We were close to the river, close enough that he could have wandered there. Plus there was a creek near by. Not to mention anyone could have been there. If that boy followed me no questions asked to the pavilion he would have gone with anyone I think.

He didn't know important information. His moms name, phone number or address. I try to make sure my kids know that information, but this really showed me how important that information is. I was most upset by the moms seemingly lack of concern. I watched her. She never, even after her son found her, no idea that he was lost. He child was missing for about 15 - 20 minutes and she was happily talking on the phone and obviously not watching him.

This has obviously affected me to write about it. I am full of panic if I don't see my kids for a minute and I sometimes think I am to paranoid. Now I know that I'm not. I teach my kids what to do if they get lost or separated from up. I also do all I can to make sure that doesn't ever happen. I never want to be that mom talking on the phone who has no idea that her child is missing!!!!!!!!

My Kitten-Napper

2007-09-27T00:36:00.000-04:00

Today Brianna decided she didn't need a nap no matter how much I tried to convince her otherwise. The kittens have decided to start exploring dispite mama's objections. I guess swe both have children issues now. So Brianna was loving watching the kittens wander around and was occupied. I had a friend over and we were talking and I noticed that mama cat was being more vocal than usual and wandering around. I got up and saw the door to my room was closed so I opened it since the kittens and mama reside under my bed where no one can reach. I figured she was just upset that she and the kittens were not in the safe place and a new person was in the house.

Mama ran inside and I went back to talking and Brianna was happily in her room NOT napping. Once my friend left Brianna was telling me all about her kiiten and how she loved it and how it was so cute sleeping. Mama was still looking all over and making all sorts of noise. I asked Brianna where her kitten was and she told me it was in her room. I follwed her into her room and snuggled in her dresser drawer nestled in her clothes was Butterscotch.

No wonder Mama couldn't find him. So "rescued" the kitten and returned him to Mama and she was so happy. Meanwhile Simba was nestled under the bed in the farthest corner happily away from the kitten-nappers reach. Three and a half weeks was all it took for her to pull of this capper. I wonder how much longer it will take before Simba gets smuggled into the drawer too.

It's a Small World

2007-09-23T23:40:00.000-04:00

When I was in High School I had a best friend that I did everything together with. Margie and I were like two peas in a pod. When she feel for one of the guys in our class I knew it was real and would last. It has!!! Over the years I have spend the night at their place a few times. I was there for her when her children were born and we had roles in each other's weddings.

Over the many (way to many) years since High School even with all our effort to stay in touch we started to slip away from each other. Oh I still talked about all the fun stuff we used to do. I would chat with Dennis, my hubby about her and her hubby. We always agreed that we really missed them and really needed to get in touch with them again.

The last time I saw them was when Brianna was baptized. That was a little over two years ago. Why didn't I ever contact them? She just likes one city over. I could have but picked up the phone and called her. I could have written a letter. No I have gotten LAZY.

I use the computer. If I don't have an email address for you or can't contact you through a website or messaging group I won't contact you most likely. I am a computer snob, LOL!!!

So why am I announcing my snobbiness to the world?

Today we went to a Wildlife Festival. I knew one of the professors I was friends with at Buffalo State College would be there so I sought him out. I walk in the tent and there is Margie and all grown up family. I turn around and there is a family that Dennis knows that we have a little of contact with. So in this Festival attended by thousands of people both Dennis and I encountered friends from our past and reconnected.

So now I have a new phone number and at last an email address for my friend. Did I write this on a scrap of paper or into my address book. No, The computer snob that I am entered her contact information into my new cell phone, that I can email messages from.

I love the World Wide Web!!!!!!

We went to a playground after the fest ended and the kids got to run amok. We got to catch up on old times and reflect on how small this world is that we all were in the same place at the same time today.

Watching the Kittens Grow

2007-09-19T23:22:00.000-04:00

Well the kittens are about 2 1/2 weeks old. They have open eyes and are walking. If you have never seen a kitten just starting to walk you really need to. Yes, kittens can fall down!!! They have these jerky little steps that they take then all of a sudden BOOM, down they go. It is adorible to watch. It is not like watching a child learning to walk. Maybe because they have four legs and are covered with fur. Of course they have a short stubby tail and they hold it straight out. You never see an adult cat walk that way.

The cutest thing is to watch them raect to Brianna. No one else gets this reaction. She gets with in visual range of the kittens and they run to her. Now this is not a cat run. It is a jerky kitten run, but it is fast. It is almost like they are being dragged against their will to her it is so fast. She of course is delighted to have the kittens come to her.

Mama cat is not so sure. It is the same for cats as humans. Once the babies become mobile all bets are off. She moves them around trying to keep them hidden. Brianna always manages to find them and they come running. Boomerang just gives me a helpless look and I try to explain that kids will do that, LOL!!!!

Butterscotch (he looks like butterscotch topping on an ice cream sundae) is the adventurous one. He is always exploring beyond were mama wants him to go. Simba (think the baby version of the Lion King) is a mamas boy. He is happy staying with her. Funny that seems to be like my children. Brianna (who has claimed Butterscotch as HER kitten) is the one I caught ridding her bigwheel down the street today. Patrick is the one who is always clinging to me to the point that he climbs behind me on a chair to be with me.

Two First Days of School

2007-09-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep... The alarm rings it is 7:30 am. I hear my son turn it off then some thunks and clucnks. The door opens and the sound of scuffy fast footsteps appear in the hall. Ah a bathroom run. The sound of a flush and then the scuffy fast feet again. My door opens with a blast and JUMP, I am attacked by kisses all over my face. "Mommy, Mommy lets go to school, see I am all dressed, lets go!!!!!!!" pleads my Kindergartener.

I look and see he has dressed himself. The shirt is too small, the shorts are too big and I see he is wearing his black spiderman undies. I am thinking that his classmates may not be ready to see his titey spidies, LOL!!! So I have to break the news to him that he needs to change his clothes.

Now Brianna wakes up and I have to get her dressed and both fed. Luckily she wants to wear a pretty dress. Bonus both want Waffles. Just pop them in the toaster and done!!!!

We leave a little earlier than planned to get to school. Only because if I didn't Patrick quite lickly would have exploded. Ooops I forgot the camera and had to go back for it. We cross the street to start the walk and I could visualize the racing flag being dropped. And there off is what I heard in my head as Patrick took off full of excitement and joy (why take that away from him prematurly.) At the corners while he waited for me he was literly just bouncing from all the excitement.

We get to school and I manage to get a few pics dispite his pleas to let him go in the building. There is a line of many students and parents. Some are crying some like Patrick just want to get in. It was pretty orderly. We all walk in to the classroom and get him settled. He basically dismissed me. "See you at the end of the day". SO I walk out and realize I have NO idea what time to pick him up at. I go to the office and find out. 3:10 is dismissal time. Glad I checked I thought 3:30, Ooops.

So Brianna and I walk home, I get her hair in pigtails, find her backpack and Daddy comes home from work for her first day of school. She just runs in to the class gives her teacher a HUGE hug and starts to play like she does this all the time. This week we stayed with here next week she will be on her own. I hope she handles it just as well.

After the kids went to bed tonight I started filling out the same information on about 30 different sheets of paper. Sign this form, now that one, ooops don't forget the other on. Wow paperwork times two is a lot!!!! The good news is I don't have to worry about snack at all this month. I like that!!!!!

Overscheduled? Nope! Just blissfully busy - (my intro blog)

2007-09-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

Cheerleading meets 3 nights a week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 6-8 pm. We begin our "getting ready" routine at roughly 5 - so as to get there at a reasonable time (a good "pull-through" parking spot means the world to me) and at about quarter to six, we head up that dusty hill that is the West Seneca Football field. We pitch our chairs and send the girls on their way. (yes - girls! Little Loop Cheerleading was the one affordable activity I could involve both of my kids - 6 and 3 - in at the same time. Score one for me on time management!)

So while the kids are practicing, I use this time to do one (or many!) of several things: Chatting with my playgroup buddies (the playgroup - I'll get to that!), Work (my paid job as a Direct Care provider has me pretty much "on call" to field phone calls from my clients at all times), Eat dinner (I love pizza, but the novelty is quickly wearing off) and last, focus on yet another undertaking - Brownies. No, not baking them - leading them. So, score 2 for me on time management! I suppose I could sit and read quietly, but really, what fun would that be?!

Alrighty - so far we've logged Cheerleading and Brownie Girl Scouts... Both activities that my children can benefit from socially, and enjoy as well! Did I mention I work?

I do have a "real" job - and I use the term "real" only because I have made other money-making attempts by selling various products at home parties - and I wanted to differentiate between the two... and while I really did enjoy what I was doing at the time, I found the time and money I was spending to keep afloat was not worth the hassle. My real job consists of me working for a local agency doing what is called "direct care". I help "at risk" families and youth deal with their various challenges, as well as provide advocacy for them. It is extremely rewarding, and I truly enjoy every minute.

Now, even though I technically work, I have a hard time labeling myself as a "working mom". I was a stay at home mom from the time I was pregnant with my first until about this time last year. I do not utilize day care for my children - I rely on family and of course, my husband, to care for the kids while I work. Also, I only log about 5-7 hours a week in the field. I truly do not believe that I am "up there" with those moms who faithfully balance a demanding full time job, a husband, a personal life and of course, their children. So, for all intent and purpose, I am a SAHM who works PT.

Now on to that playgroup. Five years ago, when my oldest was just turning one, I had made several attempts to join and fit into area playgroups, and not that there was anything wrong with them, per se, but being the control freak that I am, I just felt the need to take what I didn't love about the other groups I had found and make one I could love. Since then, WNYMommies has become incredibly successful, and I am thankful every day for my "sisters". I spend a great deal of time managing the operation of this community - both online and in person. Our website and message board requires full time attention, as well as the PR and mom-politics involved.

Cheerleading. Brownies. Work. WNYMommies.

My goodness, I nearly forgot to actually mention the obvious! I'm a wife and mother! The most important aspects of my life - the reason I do everything I do! My loving husband, Scott, who works his behind off in a filthy steel plant every day (and night!) so we can have the life that we have - who has supported me in every adventure I decide to take us on (control freak - remember that!)... and of course my kids, who's names I haven't even mentioned yet!

Sara - my 6 year old. Typical first born, over-achieving, excels at everything she tries. (and unfortunately, is sometimes overlooked and overshadowed by her rambunctious little sister - I'm trying to change that!!) Sara is my original princess, is stoic and has infinite patience and is mature beyond her years.

Erin - my spirited 3 year old. A clone of me, and quirky and brilliant in her own ways - my entertainer. And Erin, even though she often attempts to beat her out for my attention and affections, adores her big sister, Sara.

So for the time being - for today, this is my life... never over-scheduled, but blissfully busy.

Kittens, Butterflies and Kids, Oh My

2007-09-01T00:28:00.000-04:00

What an eventful couple of days we had. First the painted Lady butterflies started emering from their chrysalises. We didn't even notice it at first. all of a sudden I looked up at the butterfly pavillion hanging over the stairs and there were three butterflies. I am still amazed at how quick the changes happen. We watched the chryalis form for most of them right before our eyes and just as quick they are out.

Friday morning I call the vet because our cat is overdue to have her kittens. I only know about when she got pregnant because the Daddy cat broke into our house to get to her. Yes that is right it was a crime of passion, LOL!!! I thought her due date was about the 22nd but gave her a little more time just incase. Well the vet had me bring her in and after a half hour of debating with myself I agreed to a kitty c-section. She got spayed at the same time so I don't have to worry about this again.

Well mama cat wants NOTHING to do with the two babies. They are so cute, orange and white like grandpa and daddy. The kids couldn't wait to hold them and the look on their face when they finally got the chance was priceless. They were fascinated by how tiny the bottles were. My daughter has become very good already at making meows sound just like the kittens. I mean scary good.

The kids have been bouncing off the walls the last few days. I can't wait until school starts. With both off to school I thought I would have a few quiet hours. Nope, I have to be mama cat. Well at least they are small and much quieter than the kids. Bonus they don't make as big a mess, at least not yet, LOL!!!

Happy Birthday

2007-08-28T00:09:00.000-04:00

My son just turned five. I can't help but recall when I first saw him. He heard my voice and turned his head to see me. He was looking for him Mommy!!!! I couldn't wait to hold him and I remember being so happy!!!! Now here it is five years later and I still can't wait to hold him.

Next week my baby starts kindergarten and I know I am going to cry. I packed his backpack tonight after he went to bed. The backpack is full and in it seem to be all my hopes and dreams. I hope he grows up to be a gentleman. I dream that he will find the perfect job. What am I going to be like when he graduates?

Soon he meets his teacher and his classmatess. Is he worried about that, NO?!?! All that concerns him is how lunch is going to work. Where is the cafeteria? Should he bring or buy? I am worried about his future and he is just concered about lunch. I wish I was five again and lunch was my largest concern.

Today as we celebrated I watched him run among the trees with amamzement. He has gotten so big and so loving. Yes he can make a mess in the length of time it takes me to turn around, but his smile can melt my heart in even less time. He was making up rules of a game and it evolved right before my eyes. The joy on his face as we played along and the giggles I heard as he and his sister played together.

I absolutly love and am terrified of being a mommy at the same time. The future scares the pants off me. But the present, the now, as I watch my children grow up and celebrate milestones in their life (like a fifth birthday and the first day of school with in a week of each other) I find myself smiling and being so happy. All my life all I wanted was to be a Mommy. Now my dream has come true twice with one loving son and one beautiful daughter. This is all I ever wanted. I hope I live up to both of their expectations.

Our day of "Amusement"

2007-08-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

My parents invited us to Fantasy Island. Of course I had to day yes, who turns down a free trip to an amusement park? Let me start by saying I AM WORN OUT!!!!! It is amamzing how not going on the rides and watching your kids have fun can be so tiring,

Of course the day started late. We just can never get anywhere on time. Someone always forgets something. I have to admit today it was me. I forgot the all important stroller. What was worse was we never used it, we ended up renting a wagon. I really have to remember to get one. It was so much easier that the stroller.

Once we got to the park we found my parents near the front of the long line, see it pays to be late we had less time to wait, LOL!!! Then of course the rest of the family was later than we were. We took a couple laps around the parking lot and finally ran into them.

Now we have to figure out what do do first. I hear "Water park, carousel, roller coaster, train, slide, and tilt-a-whirl" (that was me). My parents said lunch and we all said "Okay". That would come back to haunt my husband after the Tilt-a-Whirl (guess why I dare you).

My son went on a couple of rides for the first time and loved them. It is nice that he is getting taller, but he is still a good three inches from riding the "good rides". Oh the look on his face as he saw the roller coasters. He took it well when he found out he couldn't ride many of the bigger rides.

My daughter however was happiest in her daddy's arms. Oh how many tears she said after daddy had to walk away (now known as the Tilt-a-whirl inccident). We went into the water park and the only time I managed to get some time with her was when we went on the Lazy River. After that she only had eyes for daddy. Though when grandpa offered her a ride on his scooter she did let go of daddy long enough for that.

So now I have sunburn on my nose, spent a fourtune on park food and am achey and tired. My kids are passed out in bed and I am smiling because we all had a great day. The smiles on their faces was worth all the aggrevation and grandpa even bought them each a souvenier. So it was another great day and there were hardly any fights between the kids!!!!

"Help" in the Garden

2007-08-25T22:39:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning tonight when my husband comes in looking for our camera. I of course (being nosey) want to know what the kids are doing (or who is walking by, LOL). He tells me they are sharing and getting along!!!!

GASP

That can't be I think. Well I don't know where the camera is so I go outside to witness the event for myself.

I find them sharing old garden pots and putting rocks in them. Well at least they are not throwing the rocks at each other not making a mess. I notice some weeds in the garden and start weeding.

Well now my daughter decides she wants to help. Now help from my two year old in the garden is grabbing any randon plant that catches her eye and picking it. Lately that has been my pretty flowers. She completly ignores the weeds and even when I direct her to something I want picked she is bound and determined to destroy my flowers!!!!

The prettty yellow flowers (I have no idea what they are called as they were gifts and I have no memory) today were her victims of choice. One poor bud just about to open was just snatched off the stem. Of course she is so proud of herself and loving that she is "helping" mommy that it is so hard to look into that happy face and burst her bubble. But I do, LOL!!! I have to get her interested in something else.

Do I pick the rock sorting that her brother is doing (that can only stay harmless for so long I think) or have my husband, who started the whole thing with his camera quest anyway, to distract her. Husband it is!!! They end up going inside and now my son is noticing it is just me and him.

"Mommy, are we both doing 'Dirty Jobs' (he is obsessed with that show - Gotta love Mike Rowe)? Yes I tell him, because he of course is still nicely playing with the rocks. He then asks me if I like doing "Dirty Jobs", of couse I do I am a Mommy arn't I. "Mommy isn't it nice that we are both doing "Dirty Jobs" together?", "Mommy can we always do "Dirty Jobs together?"

After answering all his "Dirty Job" questions I am done withthe garden and notice the time. Ah my favorite time of day. "Bed time" I announce and we put away the rocks, pots and toys. I add my weeded bounty to the composter and we go inside for bath time. They were playing with rocks so of course they needed it. Snacks and bed are soon to follow.

Storytime is here and we pick out the books and they snuggle up and listen and then the realization hits. Tomorrow is Fantasy island day and off to sleep they go. Way to easy tonight I wonder what is in store for me tomorrow in the park, LOL!!!

Downs & Ups

2007-08-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

I wake up this morning to my son giving me kisses. How nice I think. I ask him if my daughter had woken up and to my delight he said no. "Ah, some peace" I think so I ask him to watch TV and not to make a mess (I know I should have known better, especially with my son!!!). He says okay and I see him and hear the TV turn on. I snuggle in my bed for a minute I think and roll over to two children covered in white and giggling.

Never a good sign!!!

Patrick now tried to grab my leg as I rush out of the bedroom telling me about my "new rug"

Again not what I want to hear!!!

I go into the livingroom and see my blue carpet now white!!! OMG!!!!

So as I sit on my couch watching my oldest vaccum my rug sobbing about how he won't make anymore messes (like I haven't heard that before) I think to myself how nice it is that he is now old enough to do a decent job of cleaning up his messes. Soon the carpet is blue again and I make breakfast. Yes all this before my coffee!!!!

After breakfast we get birdseed ready to fill our bird feeder. Patrick uses the hose to clean and fill the bird bath and I plant my Mums from my Tenth Anniversary. It adds some nice color to the yard. Brianna thinks she is helping me and I now see a carpet of yellow and orange petals on my walkway. I hope the flowers can survive her help.

Later we see a flock of birds settle into the yard. We see Red Winged Blackbirds, Doves, Sparrows and Black Capped Chickadees. This is the first time I have seen Red Winged Blackbirds in our yard. Brianna is so excited to see them and is facinated to watch them drinking.

Both children now are snuggling with me and hugging me and telling me how much they love me. I give them lunch and can only hope my afternoon will be more like after breakfast than before.

So my day started out down but the rest of the day was so nice I almost forgot about the flour. I wonder what the fascination my children have with flour and my livingroom rug. I am pretty sure that the recipe will be icky anytime you add carpet.